tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26682972472084357382024-03-12T19:35:14.870-04:00Helping Make SenseI've come to the realization that having faith means you have to accept that you may never know "why" things happen. Well, it ain't easy! So, my hope is that writing about my feelings will help me make as much sense of life as I can!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.comBlogger154125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-29522390346223729152010-03-25T21:46:00.004-04:002010-03-25T21:58:25.404-04:00One year agoI haven't written in a long time. I don't know why. I don't know what that means. I don't know what I'll do in the future. I still love the idea of blogging, but, I guess I just haven't really had much to say that I think will be of interest to anyone.<br /><br />But, I needed to write today. See, one year ago today, something amazing happened. One year ago today, our egg donor went into an operating room and had 23 eggs removed from her ovaries. And, she gave them to me. 19 of those eggs fertilized and one of them became my incredible daughter.<br /><div><div></div><br /><div>The decision to use donor egg is not an easy one. As you know, I struggled with it for a long time. But, I never doubted the love I would feel for a baby conceived from donor egg and, looking at my daughter, there is absolutely no question in my mind that she is the baby I am supposed to be momma to!</div><br /><br /><div></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5452755467321653218" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSWsdfFjtbwSWFk6W368uv1BpKtrzyQfKhL8-dud0vI_pvEZwYgEqqKk2uIeoVCXWhp1v4V0fz7FJ4WOQNjV9njQvIYqYTuOYd3sexeBRUOcihtNKcBfRf1pp06yjnnwAvxSadsg_JTAjv/s400/151+%5B1600x1200%5D.JPG" /><br /><div><br />This may sound strange, but, I am actually grateful for all of my years of infertility because, without them, I wouldn't have Alana. But, mostly, I owe my life to a woman I will never meet but who gave me the greatest gift someone can give another person. She gave me my baby. </div><br /><br /><div><br /></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 266px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5452754522068760402" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx1qJCv6KMbvHMm-lhXDRGitbneRS5mBlp_Q_iPzVfiTaVntHdUDsDMTUmxA1iWypHL0phWs8Rs6BfwbBI81IXoMTBou5A6VD56zjjTnBGPynnwqcP3XBPiaUNb_JJnXM4_4zbmH4ZLVqx/s400/Alana+ballerina.jpg" /><br /><br /><br /><div>Happy conception day, my love! </div><br /><div></div></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-20597416265054614152010-02-09T10:03:00.004-05:002010-02-09T10:17:08.663-05:00Alana's Baby NamingWow, it's been almost a month since I've written. Sorry!!! The last few weeks have been very hectic. Alana got her days and nights straight, so, we've been getting some decent sleep at night, but, she's up most days. This kid either sleeps all day or is awake all day, refusing to take a nap! Plus, I really like getting out with her, so, we've been doing things most days, whether she's awake or not!<br /><br />But, what's really kept me busy has been planning Alana's baby naming. In the jewish faith, a baby girl is named in temple when the Torah is read. She is supposed to be named the first time the Torah is read after she is born, which often means she isn't even there. Glenn and my parents went to temple the Saturday after she was born (we were still in the hospital) and she was officially named. However, we wanted to do something for friends and family, something that would have meaning for us.<br /><br />So, this past Saturday, we, again, named Alana in front of the Torah. The rabbi allowed me to write the ceremony, so I was able to choose prayers and readings that were meaningful for us and for our family and I was able to have many people participate. For instance, during the ceremony, I explained who she was named after. While I was doing that, I had someone who was close to that particular person holding Alana as I explained who that person was and why we named after him or her.<br /><br />Also, for the jewish girls reading this who know what this means, I chose to learn and chant the haftorah. I can't really explain it, but, there felt like no better way for me to honor my family, both those here and those no longer with us, and to show my commitment to educating my daughter in the jewish faith then by doing this on the day that she was officially introduced to the jewish community.<br /><br />As you may know, a huge snowstorm was predicted for this past Saturday, but, somehow, it spared our area and, although we did lose some family and friends, many more people were able to make it then we thought just a day earlier. It ended up being an absolutely beautiful and meaningful day as Alana was named, introduced to the community, and met much of her extended family and friends, including some who have been so very supportive of me throughout our struggles!!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-14682527310639550202010-01-14T01:05:00.006-05:002010-01-14T01:23:09.650-05:00Go to sleep!!Whoever said that pregnancy-induced insomnia is supposed to prepare you for being up at all hours of the night was a big liar! Huge liar!! There is nothing that can prepare you for lack of sleep!! <div><br />I really can't complain. Alana sleeps great - from 3:00am to 7:00 or 8:00am. She also tends to sleep great around 10:00 in the morning (when, of course, mommy should take a nap, but, has yet to). When she doesn't/won't/can't sleep is anywhere between the hours of 7:00pm and 3:00am! I keep trying different things, but, no matter what I do, she just cannot fall asleep during these hours. OK, that's not entirely true. She can, sometimes, fall asleep. She just cannot STAY asleep!</div><div><br />Right now, at 1:00 in the morning, she is in her swing, looking around. But, at least she is quiet! Hopefully she'll fall asleep within the next half hour or so and I'll be able to carry her upstairs and, again, hopefully, she'll stay asleep. Until it's time to eat again in about 2 hours....</div><div><br /><br /> </div><div></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426474967897812914" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrlInBNh54gYGTU4QGES5INcmFNWOuCkUFFSM-NHLitjF7CSfHsv8yfL99cohcOejvOwbKnxb2BhRzLkPAjAB83Um1gOUhTEX6NwF7x-AKLj63PzrSsJVAhATIPZ8nD2snpkVtGoWHwMZj/s400/064.JPG" />As Glenn says, she's lucky she's so cute!!<br /><br />Oh, and guess who celebrated her one month birthday on Saturday?! <div></div><br /><br /><div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426474379723562338" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyWexmzNUorkaBK1p-Qhw9ikGC_NvPw_Cq50CNnFftLWgY-9es2lrPntqtE0-RytB5YCV3q8fXw1q6qwUOJu25vgkmTDlVCqxfCmd2FKiR-eNAF1aa-RIEpHvoYYzT4-zW5HPxp977pKuM/s400/067.JPG" /></div><div>But, I think she quickly grew tired of mommy's photo shoot...</div><div> </div><div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426475885689367650" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzp38sXonamv1Oe2rIyi73RpH68QJ68JdUHXWSOW_ndoDoQyS3_usIRE63vmS99MosrYCD7T9VKly2dORzZCNi9peMtc5BxStx96kL9b3DFWrN_yEVbk4dhlg6145nHuTPLC5wa7HuD39n/s400/072.JPG" /></div><br /><p></p><br /><p></p><br /><div><br /></div><br /><p></p>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-82600555399205065822010-01-07T07:55:00.002-05:002010-01-07T08:00:06.960-05:00Asking for your vote!Alana is up for the Best of 2009 on our photographer's website!!! If you'd like to vote for her, head over <a href="http://lifeisahighwayphotography.com/?p=516#comments">here </a>and vote for #2!! Voting ends at midnight tonight!!<br /><br />And, while there, check out Tina's amazing work!! Alana's full gallery from our photo shoot is available <a href="http://galleries.lifeisahighwayphotography.com/Client-Proofing/Alana/10849620_jtcuW">here </a>and the password is <strong>star</strong>! I am in awe of the beautiful images she captured!!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-550723813955132022009-12-24T11:25:00.008-05:002009-12-24T11:50:23.616-05:00Ready for her closeupMeet Alana!<br /><br /><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418845308973736978" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDyxQ_waTPRG-d2HxhmZZgusPWgVIhtzcMV_zyjRvdAeoifN9qbbfFPHejAjVak13HQOgY3xSfE3kjzbi2rrn_TeAZif-vk_eDGsnQ_2d8raRdA0F9Dur87ujukUjPZtPu4VJcebLfZb8E/s400/049.JPG" /><br /><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418844930766391442" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9PmztnD1vhIwHlDPlT2SUGQmQpVG7D2C7TCCXFwDTuqGGrUQ0N8TL6ow_TU8HJ9Z-UFBfhWQ8p0R39nvneUf3qJ0qcyJYUvt0PKWCXNIfHyix2dwAdhhsqeV8vHbQd0YsltJtPpjoMGBr/s400/159.JPG" /><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 244px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418842813688932546" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOuJXT5mCoT_r-u2Z3qh7pjbt3PSn4lgv8S-V_ugEaXwQy1VFSs1GlZ6yyRRYzIjNAGxU3SOQwMYiaevjfjYau8gghESy4hCSGgA3rc8j3mrwpptfC9mis3llHUGWHhElDN5wUplz6FxOz/s400/058a.jpg" /> Now, while Mommy is working on her photography skills and has yet to capture a picture of Alana where she doesn't look sad or angry, Tina at <a href="http://lifeisahighwayphotography.com/">Life is a Highway Photography</a> has mastered the art of taking newborn pictures!! Please check out her sneak preview of <a href="http://lifeisahighwayphotography.com/?p=500">Alana</a> and, if you would like, leave a comment after the photos (50 comments gets us a prize and 100 comments gets us a better prize!). I cannot wait to see the rest of the photos because I'm going to wear out my computer screen (if such a thing was possible) looking at the first one!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-41220337038034509492009-12-16T12:12:00.003-05:002009-12-16T13:00:11.869-05:00My daughter is a week old today!!!!Oh, blog world, I am so very sorry that I have let a whole week go by without announcing the birth of the love of my life!! For some reason, I was unable to get online at the hospital, even though they have wireless, and with other things going on, I just wasn't able to troubleshoot it.<br /><br />Alana Anna Aaryn M(lastname) was born on Wednesday, 12/9, at 12:25 in the afternoon via c-section. There is no way I could adequately put into words what I felt at that moment, so, I won't even try, at least not today when I'm a ball of hormones. Let's just say that it's like nothing I ever knew possible!<br /><br />We ended up spending an extra night in the hospital for two reasons. The blood pressure issues I had in the weeks leading up to delivery continued after and, in fact, got worse. I was constantly monitored for preeclampsia, but, in the words of the doctor, on paper, I was perfect. All of my results were, not just good, but perfect. I just have this moderately high pressure that they can't seem to get completely under control. I'm under the care of a hypertension doctor now and they have adjusted my medicine a couple of times and we're watching it very closely.<br /><br />But, having the spend an extra night in the hospital was actually a blessing in disguise because, the night before we were supposed to leave, Alana developed a fever and was sent to the NICU. Imagine how scary it is when a doctor comes into your room at 3:00am and tells you that your perfectly healthy baby has a fever, is being taken to the NICU for testing, and may need a spinal tap! Thankfully, by the time they admitted her to the NICU, her fever had dropped and never went high again. All of her test results came back normal, no spinal tap was needed, and they think the high reading could have just been a fluke.<br /><br />They told me she would have to stay for 48 hours after being admitted, which would have been Tuesday, while I was going to be released Monday. I know it would have only been one night, but, the thought of leaving without her was devastating. But, thanks to a wonderful NICU pediatrician who stayed on top of all of her negative test results, she was released with me and we came home Monday night!!!<br /><br />Yesterday was a whirlwind, so, today is really the first day I've had time to get online and post. I hope you'll all forgive me and I promise to get a couple of pictures up very very soon!!! She is so incredibly gorgeous and I am more in love than I ever knew possible!<br /><br />Every single time Glenn and I walked out of a hospital over the last four years, and sadly, there have been way too many times, I said to him "next time we walk out of a hospital, we should be bringing home our baby". It didn't happen for a very long time, but, Monday night, I finally walked out of a hospital with my baby....and, after seeing her for the first time, it was one of the most emotional moments of my life!!!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-2131016651820150342009-12-08T11:50:00.002-05:002009-12-08T11:53:55.885-05:00The Final CountdownAfter three trips to L&D for extended monitoring, and three trips back home without the baby, the time has finally arrived!<br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;color:#ff6600;"><strong>I am having a baby tomorrow!</strong></span> <br /><br />OK, I have a perinatologist appointment in an hour and will likely be sent for monitoring because my blood pressure is still really high. The big question is whether they will keep me and deliver today, keep me and deliver, as scheduled, tomorrow, or send me home like every other time. So, yes, there is a chance I'll have the baby today, but, if not, I am having a baby tomorrow!!!!<br /><br />I have so much I want to say, but, I'm going to save it until after she is here and we are both safe and, G-d willing, healthy.<br /><br />So, stay tuned!!!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-45644358496720964632009-12-03T14:15:00.002-05:002009-12-03T14:27:46.806-05:00Bedrest in the middle agesSo, I've been on bedrest for a week and a half now. And, honestly, it hasn't been awful, although I can't imagine how people do it for months! Then today happened. We lost our power around 6:30 this morning. That meant no TV, no phones (can't find the non-cordless phone), and no internet. Plus, because of the high BP induced headache, it was putting a little too much strain on my eyes to try to read, so, I couldn't do that, either. So, what did I do? I went back to sleep! Nice!!<br /><br />Spoke to Glenn on my cell at 9. Checked email, etc... Around 10:00, I noticed that my cells (both personal and work) weren't working, either!! <br /><br />So, I had no contact, whatsoever, with the outside world!!!! Thankfully, the power came back around 12:30. Whew!!!!<br /><br />In other news, we had another false alarm this week. I saw the MFM on Tuesday for my weekly stress test and ultrasound. They had a very hard time keeping this kid on monitor and, when they got her, it seemed as if her heart rate was dropping very low. So, back over to the PET unit for monitoring I went. The doctor told me not to eat anything, thinking this would probably be it. And, why not?! I was 38 weeks exactly. My little monster was estimated to be 8lbs 11ozs! I'm still struggling with the blood pressure issues. And, now this. Just felt like time, right?!<br /><br />Nope. They proceeded to hook me up and, for 2+ hours, the baby looked, as they put it, "gorgeous". So, once again, I was released on bedrest. Ugh!! I want this baby out of me!!!!<br /><br />Yesterday, my BP was tracking high even when laying down. I had an OB appointment in the afternoon and the doctor didn't want to send me over for monitoring again, so, she decided to increase my meds a bit and I have to go back for a BP check tomorrow. It's still tracking on the higher side today, so, we'll see what happens. At this point, I'm just looking at my scheduled date of 12/9 and if they decide to deliver her sooner we'll just be very pleasantly surprised. <br /><br />We are ALL so very ready!!!!! Oh, except for the baby, who seems to be very happy and content inside of me!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-60088733251714726682009-11-26T12:07:00.002-05:002009-11-26T12:17:19.675-05:00What I'm most thankful for this yearThis time, last year, our <a href="http://helpingmakesense.blogspot.com/2008/11/failure.html">7th IVF failed</a>. It may, possibly, have been the lowest point in my life. We decided to go for a 4th opinion, to CCRM, but couldn't schedule the phone consult until January. The end of 2008 was just such a low time.<br /><br />Then, after 3 terrible years of terrible things happening in our families, along came 2009. First of all, we finally sold our house in early January, after 16 months on the market, and bought our forever house. Then, we had our <a href="http://helpingmakesense.blogspot.com/2009/01/celebrating.html">CCRM phone consult</a>, where we were told that we had done everything there was to do and there was nothing else to try and we should re-consider DE (which we had previously considered).<br /><br />Now, some might think that was a bad message, but, in a bizarre way, it wasn't. Through the graces of G-d, I was finally ready to hear that message. That's not to say that the decision to use DE was easy or that I won't always wonder if "just one more" might have been the IVF that would have produced my genetic child.<br /><br />But, I truly could not be more thankful today to G-d for helping me make that very difficult decision, maybe the most difficult one of my life, but the very decision that has directly resulted in the incredible joy of feeling this baby dancing inside of me, days away from, through his grace, joining us on the outside!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-87225848579802293842009-11-24T21:57:00.003-05:002009-11-24T22:07:18.021-05:00Things are picking up around hereUnfortunately, it's my blood pressure that has been picking up......<br /><br />Started Sunday night. I've been checking my pressure 4x a day since May. Suddenly, Sunday night, it went way, way up. It was still really high Monday morning, so, I called the OB, went in, and it was still high in the office. So, they sent me to the hospital for monitoring. Everyone - the OB I saw that morning, the OB I saw in the hospital, the nurses, Glenn and I - everyone thought I was going to be admitted and have the baby today. Surprise! When they hooked me up, my BP's were back to normal!<br /><br />They did, however, find some protein in my urine. So, they sent me home, on bedrest, and doing a 24 hour urine collection.<br /><br />I had a perinatologist appointment this morning and my BP's were high again, but, when I laid down, they come down, so, as long as they are low when I'm laying, they are not ready to make the delivery decision.<br /><br />However, all of the doctors agree that, since we are 37 weeks today (full term!!!), if there is any reason to move forward, it's a no-brainer and we still think there's a strong possibility it could happen this week. It's really going to come down to what my 24 hour urine collection shows tomorrow. I'm fairly certain it's going to show protein. I pounded water before I got to the doctor today, so, when I produced a sample, it was really light and there was no protein, but, I think that's because it processed through me fast. Before leaving the office, I had to go and collected it because I needed it for my jug. Since I had already collected it, I decided to dip it while I was still in the bathroom and it did show a trace of protein. So, I'm pretty sure the whole sample will show some. IF it does, and if it's enough, I'm fairly certain they'll bring me in and deliver me this week, maybe even on Thanksgiving!<br /><br />This is all "maybe", but, well, we're all ready to just meet this baby already, so, a girl can hope, can't she?!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-10987244102406927512009-11-20T10:03:00.002-05:002009-11-20T10:18:16.021-05:00Separation AnxietyFirst of all, I want to thank everyone for your comments on my last post!! I've really missed you all and you all made me feel so happy to be back!!!<br /><br />As we get closer and closer to our due date, I find myself feeling wistful and sad at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. I absolutely cannot wait for this little girl to be here, and, in many ways, can't relax until she is here and I know she safe and healthy. But, I have truly enjoyed being pregnant. I love the little secret world that only she and I live in, where she tells me when she's awake, hungry, enjoying the munchkins I'm eating, etc....! Part of me isn't ready to share that with anyone else. Plus, poor thing, I feel bad that she has to go from munchkins to formula!!<br /><br />But, that's not the only separation anxiety I'm dealing with. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symphysis_pubis_dysfunction"><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Symphysis</span> Pubis Dysfunction</a>. Basically, my pelvic bones are separating, causing pain when my legs are uneven, such as walking, climbing stairs, getting in and out of the car, turning over in bed, etc.... Honestly, it's not too bad, more annoying. I started maternity leave this past Tuesday (yea!!!!) and, how ironic, that's the day this was diagnosed. I have a bunch of things - both inside and outside the house - I'm trying to get done, and this is just making it all a little more difficult.<br /><br />But, it's really not too bad, at least not yet, and, I'm so close to delivering that, hopefully, it won't have time to get really bad!<br /><br />The most important thing is that it, in now way, impacts the baby. She's doing great!!! The doctor this week said that she's so happy in there that she might come out in April, maybe May! But, she's getting ready. When they check my cervix (which isn't doing anything yet), they tell me that they can feel her head. Her head!!! We're just in a waiting game now!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-89051745761493596582009-11-13T23:56:00.003-05:002009-11-14T00:09:26.408-05:00Why I haven't been blogging...The easy answer? I really don't know. I just haven't been doing it.<br /><br />The more complicated answer? In a way, I kind of feel like I don't belong anywhere.<br /><br />Glenn keeps reminding me that it's been a long time since I've written anything, which prompted me to really think about what's going on and why I haven't. And, I realized that I guess I just don't know what to talk about.<br /><br />Let me explain. While I started this blog to be more than a chronicle of my infertility struggle, that's what it predominately became. And, that's OK. That was, for a long time, the main thing in my life that I found relief in writing about.<br /><br />Then, after 8 IVF attempts, we finally found ourselves pregnant. And, I made a big deal of saying that, since that was what was going on in my life, I was going to continue writing, and, likely, about my pregnancy, especially my feelings about a donor egg pregnancy.<br /><br />So, what happened? I guess I feel like I'm stuck between these two worlds - the world of infertility and the world of pregnancy. Infertility is and always will be a part of my life, but, I worry that, writing about my continued struggles with it will appear, I don't know, fake to those still in the trenches.<br /><br />And, then there's being pregnant. So, here goes. I'll just say it. I LOVE being pregnant - likely because I've been BLESSED with a really easy pregnancy. I mean, really, really easy. No morning sickness. No bleeding. No weight gain. No swelling. No gestational diabetes. No scares. None.<br /><br />So, I worry that the women still struggling with infertility won't want to hear about my continued struggles while I'm carrying a baby, something they long for. And I worry that the pregnant women, especially those who have struggled through their pregnancies, won't want to hear about my easy pregnancy (I mean, really, can you blame them??).<br /><br />So, there it is. And, I hope that, by looking inside myself, analyzing my feelings, and putting them out there, I can now get past them and get back to blogging because, really, now that I'm writing this tonight, I realize how much I miss it!!<br /><br />Now, I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-87060329986113067032009-10-12T17:04:00.000-04:002009-10-12T17:04:16.173-04:00Radiating - the good and the badBad radiating - when your husband has a nuclear stress test and you have to be apart for 2 weeks because he is "radiating" nuclear waves and it's dangerous for your unborn baby!<br /><br />Bad radiating - when everyone else in a room is cold and you think they should sit next to you because you are so hot you must be radiating heat!<br /><br />GOOD RADIATING - when the woman sitting next to you in the restaurant wishes you luck with the baby and says that she is a delivery room nurse and knew you were pregnant looking at your face because you are radiating and glowing!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-86715875258253842982009-10-03T11:37:00.002-04:002009-10-03T12:13:36.575-04:00I am miserableWomen complain during pregnancy. It's a fact. One I have absolutely no problem with. Many women who have experienced IF feel that, once I get pregnant, I'll happily contend with all discomforts and, by gosh, I won't complain about them! Eh, I don't really agree with this. Doesn't matter to me how you got pregnant - if something is bothering you, by all means, complain away! It's your right!<br /><br />That said, I have been so blessed to have an easy pregnancy (please, please knock on some wood for me!), so, I haven't really had much to complain about.<br /><br />But, now I'm going to complain, although, pregnancy is only remotely related to this. I have a cold! Yep, I'm devoting a whole blog post to a stupid cold!<br /><br />But, this is no ordinary cold. I am now going on day 12 of this monster. I have been in the office one day in the last nine. I even missed going to services for Yom Kippur. And, while it's finally bearable during the day, my nights are miserable! As you may recall, Glenn and I are still required to sleep <a href="http://helpingmakesense.blogspot.com/2009/09/um-important-things-you-should-be-told.html">separately</a> for a few more days, which has really worked to his advantage because I am a monster at night. I have a terrible post-nasal drip that, at night, becomes awful chest congestion. I lay down and I start to convulse and choke and cough and cannot catch my breath. It's almost scary how ferociously I'm coughing (my whole abdomen hurts even to move). I keep worrying I'm going to cough so hard my water will break! I know it's completely irrational to think this, but, when you're awake at 3 in the morning for the 8th night in a row, well, who know why the mind thinks what it thinks. Any little sleep I get is in the seated position, and it's not much.<br /><br />So, how is this related to pregnancy? Well, it limits what I can take. For the first week, I suffered with nothing but cough drops. I saw both the high risk and OB this week and both told me to start taking Robitussin. Helps during the day, but, you can't control the cough when you're choking from mucous overload at night (I know, TMI). <br /><br />Good news is that it's clearly not the flu. No fever. No aches. Just a bad, bad cold. I just wish it would start to break up so I could get a decent night of sleep. My GP doesn't want to put me on an antibiotic, but, has agreed to see me Monday or Tuesday if it's not any better by then.<br /><br />Also on the good news front, as I said, I saw both doctors this week and baby girl is doing great! On Tuesday, at 29 weeks, she was already estimated to be 3 pounds 7 ounces and was measuring a week ahead!! Oh, but I failed the 1 hour glucose test again, so, now I have to repeat the 3 hour. Hopefully I'll kick this cold soon so I can go do it this week.<br /><br />I can't believe I am breathing down the neck of 30 weeks....even if that breathing includes some nasty coughing!!!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-42118064026589619722009-09-23T13:11:00.003-04:002009-09-23T13:29:00.539-04:00Um, important things you should be told!Glenn had a repeat nuclear stress test yesterday. Everything is fine!! Well, almost everything.<br /><br />We use a hospital in NYC for his procedures. While he was in the test, I was in the lobby working. When I realized that he was much later than we thought he would be, I packed up my laptop and headed up to the cath lab. I inquired as to his status and the admitting nurse went to check. She came back and told me he was waiting and asked if I wanted to go back and wait with him. I said OK. Then, and thank goodness I was wearing something that made me look pregnant (because I often still don't look it at all) she asked me if I'm pregnant. When I said that I am, she told me that I can't be around him! Whhhaaattt???<br /><br />I called his cardiologist and didn't get a straight answer out of him (who, by the way, knew I was pregnant). I called my OB and they didn't know how long we needed to apart, but, did say I couldn't be near him. Finally, I called my dad (my parents were our saviours yesterday!!), who, luckily, had just left work in the city and he came over so he could drive Glenn home. When Glenn was done with the test, he met with the doctor reviewing the results (not his doctor), who told him that, if he had known I was pregnant, he wouldn't have performed it!<br /><br />He basically explained that, in 72 hours, 50% of the radiation will be out of his body. 72 hours after that, 50% of what remains will be out, and so on. He said that, to be safe, they would like to see 5 cycles of that happen before he can be in close contact with me, so, for the next two weeks, I can't be within 3 feet of my husband, which includes sleeping in the same bed!!<br /><br />After the initial shock, I found the humor in this, but, now, I'm past that and I'm just furious!! What if this nurse didn't pick up on me being pregnant? How could his cardiologist order this test? How could the hospital perform it? Shouldn't there be an inquiry into whether the patient has a pregnant immediate family member as part of their standard questioning???<br /><br />Now, there are definitely conflicting opinions on how much radiation he got and how long we really need to be apart. But, a cardiologist at one of the top NYC hospitals told us 2 weeks to be on the safe side, and well, we've come too far to risk not listening to him.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-86108422063932274012009-09-11T11:04:00.003-04:002009-09-11T11:13:31.390-04:00AnthemsOK, you know it's bad when your husband says "hey, you haven't posted on your blog in a long time"!!<br /><br />I have no excuse. I sit down to write something and other things just creep up and I never get back here.<br /><br />So, to update, all is good here! I passed my 3 hour glucose test, so, no gestational diabetes! I lost another 2 pounds, but, I think the tide is beginning to turn on that and I expect to be up a couple of pounds at next week's OB appointment. Speaking of next week, I officially enter the third trimester on Tuesday!!! Holy cow - how the heck did that happen???<br /><br />Work is really, really busy, so I don't have time to write a lot. But, I've had this song going through my head for weeks now. I guess, for me, it's my little "pregnant after years of infertility hell" anthem, so, I thought I'd share it.<br /><br />I Made it Through the Rain<br />Barry Manilow<br /><br />We dreamers have our ways<br />Of facing rainy days<br />And somehow we survive<br /><br />We keep the feelings warm<br />Protect them from the storm<br />Until our time arrives<br /><br />Then one day the sun appears<br />And we come shining through those lonely years<br /><br />I made it through the rain<br />I kept my world protected<br />I made it through the rain<br />I kept my point of view<br />I made it through the rain<br />And found myself respected<br />By the others who<br />Got rained on too<br />And made it through<br /><br />When friends are hard to find<br />And life seems so unkind<br />Sometimes you feel so afraid<br /><br />Just aim beyond the clouds<br />And rise above the crowds<br />And start your own parade<br /><br />'Cause when I chased my fears away<br />That's when I knew that I could finally say<br /><br />I made it through the rain<br />I kept my world protected<br />I made it through the rain<br />I kept my point of view<br />I made it through the rain<br />And found myself respected<br />By the others who<br />Got rained on too<br />And made it through<br /><br />So, do you have an anthem for something that has happened or is happening in your life?Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-19130241495092982992009-08-25T14:35:00.011-04:002009-08-25T15:06:40.891-04:00Shopping is fun!<div><div><div><div><div>As I said in my last post, we found and ordered nursery furniture!! Of course, since then, I've been worried again about something going wrong, but, I'll elaborate on that later. But, for now, I've decided that I'm not going to let my fears stop me!<br /></div><div></div><br /><div>My mom, aunt, and I went shopping two weeks ago and had an absolutely wonderful time!! My mom made it very clear, way before we were pregnant, that she and my dad wanted to buy the nursery furniture when the time came. Who could turn down an offer like that? LOL, seriously, Glenn and I are so very grateful to my parents for this and for all that they do for us (while we were out shopping, my dad was helping Glenn and his brother hang shelves to set-up our home office in our basement - OK, let's be real here, Glenn and his brother were watching my dad do it!!).</div><div></div><br /><div>A few weeks ago, my aunt asked if I was going to put a rocker of some kind in the room and, if so, she wanted to buy that for us. Seriously, how lucky can a girl be to have family like this??!!<br /></div><br /><div>So, off we went, with a list of places to go. Well, it took all of one stop and we found everything we wanted!</div><div></div><br /><div>The furniture is from Ragazzi's Mirella collection and I absolutely love it!!!</div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373974260509371954" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 273px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA84-5L1k9ZTKgo80yWLc2iONd8umF__PM24dMVwk0pYd8WAjIKyTTm6X4rbK0QyAljzZsGzaL-N_MdkCH-GYGPACxurfAyPCr0Rr68-3P_maKVzVR8aI7QXrk7X8X9fshOE2vnfL5ykPt/s320/Crib.jpg" border="0" /> <img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373974757585730978" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 294px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5-w4BgmBL_sdbKu4S4OKxguDxZzrY1M0MitLWWqohUJHHx_aRyKi6aV8AOTifpA9WNRCmsQ0uRKYTK7cQPSHbfO38fMyfEqYCOKeQTCMHdoyMX4qjoMLkSvCKXesnXorrz3uFByrhitA6/s320/Dresser1.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br /><p align="left"></p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373974550116067954" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 230px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsdCpPys_IKZnW9yc1S4JndSqH31KpslZ8QBm6t6xsGCACvYNQCPIdsKb0f1DCzhjYUaCSXmvTGZUv8PCqzThPSd2g5rwfwT8HLCGoeXaR9qKhfumoLe-zI7BKheEv7UOkEm-73etc8dme/s320/Dresser2.jpg" border="0" />And, this is the chair. It's a glider recliner and will be very close to the raspberry color below, with a sort of a pink on pink texture and no piping.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZZfMoOtrSIBflVARvSFumhFNY3aCU9hn8J940JGVCrJjbG5hScKRR6D32lWHLBI53EVjor6FBN10AUhbV_u1G_csDSI0o5OBk_2boLP26bvPYgDXlPEVv8kvm7Q9o2WGxVvLmdx_G5mD_/s1600-h/Chair.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373975111603710866" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 300px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZZfMoOtrSIBflVARvSFumhFNY3aCU9hn8J940JGVCrJjbG5hScKRR6D32lWHLBI53EVjor6FBN10AUhbV_u1G_csDSI0o5OBk_2boLP26bvPYgDXlPEVv8kvm7Q9o2WGxVvLmdx_G5mD_/s320/Chair.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373975269963531698" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 312px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 206px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmJQdFVvJqWdwJ0MgLGE4X490yQqQ1zxAlypjPi7KGi2y4P4JRI_o7vIf6OtHoPXN7tLBQ2mhkO0qUXnbkFZg9W2fspeJ3EQ-c_hgWIsvJtVB-EL2uULoLDJHPO3Zz5_fuo9Ap_hQjj3TI/s400/Razzle+Dazzle.JPG" border="0" /> </div><div> </div><div>Per Jewish custom, we will not have anything delivered to the house until after she's born, but, I cannot wait to see it all together!!<br /><div></div><br /><div>As I said, it was such a lovely day for my mom and aunt and I to share. Thank you so much mom and dad and Aunt Shelly!!</div><div></div><br /><div>Unfortunately, a certain individual gave us a lot of grief at the end of the day for not being included in the decisions around what furniture would be in MY daughter's room in MY house (for the record, while my mom and aunt gave their opinions, it was my decision) and, although I firmly believe that there was absolutely no reason for this person to be involved and I don't feel guilty for not including her, she somehow managed to make the day end on a very sour note for me. </div><div></div><br /><div>Oh well.....I can't please everyone (although I keep trying....).</div></div></div></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-61201302707555474342009-08-19T18:12:00.002-04:002009-08-19T18:26:45.210-04:00Small failureWow, my last update was August 5th? I don't really know why I'm not writing much. I guess I just don't seem to have much to say these days. I want to write more. I just don't know what to say. I'll work on it!<br /><br />Anyway, everything is mostly going well. I've been having some low pains, but, the doctors aren't concerned. They feel it's just her putting pressure down there. Speaking of my little girl, she is definitely making herself known more and more every day. I haven't yet felt her from the outside (although the doctor did this week!), but, I'm feeling her thuds more and more on the inside! She's very happy after I eat! I can't imagine I'll ever tire of this feeling!!!<br /><br />I've now been tracking my blood pressure 4 times a day for over 2 weeks and it's been good so far.<br /><br />I'm now 23 weeks and had an OB appointment on Monday. I still feel really small, but, the OB said I'm measuring in the range of 22-23 weeks, so, all is fine. Her heart rate is great and I'm still 12 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy weight.<br /><br />Although it's a little earlier than normal, for various reasons, they did a 1 hour glucose test this week and, well, I failed. The normal range is 65-130 and mine came in at 151. The nurse said this is low in the failure range, but, it doesn't really matter if it's low - I still have to do the dreaded 3 hour glucose test next week.<br /><br />Honestly, I'm not worried about it. It is what it is, and, hopefully, like many other women who failed the 1 hour, I'll pass the 3 hour!<br /><br />Oh, and we found and ordered nursery furniture this past weekend! We won't have it delivered and set-up until after she's born, but, just knowing there will be a crib in this house has me all sorts of giddy! More in my next post!!<br /><br />Hope everyone is doing well!!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-23480034519707190742009-08-05T11:08:00.003-04:002009-08-05T11:31:09.178-04:00Finding outFor a few weeks I'd been meaning to post about this and life has been so hectic that I didn't get a chance to. I've been overwhelmed lately by how many people have asked if we were going to find out the sex of the baby. Not overwhelmed in a bad way! Just surprised at how everyone we would encounter, even strangers, would ask. I am, in no way offended by the question. Heck, I've been open about everything else with regards to baby-making and this question is mild compared to some I've been asked!<br /><br />It just makes me wonder if I've asked everyone that in the past. I guess I have as it seems like such a natural question these days. I wonder if anyone was offended by the question? I think this can be added to the list of things you really don't think about until you are in the situation yourself.<br /><br />So, to answer the question, yes, we plan to find out the sex of this little one. I always thought I would wait to find out, but, all the years of infertility treatments changed my mind. For so long now, we have been unsure of what life has in store for us. We have lived with so much uncertainty. Maybe it's the control freak in me, but, being able to actually "know" this makes me feel so much better!<br /><br />Anyway, "plan to find out" is a little incorrect at this point, because, we actually had out big ultrasound yesterday! So, for the handful of people who haven't heard (I did a pretty good job of spreading it around yesterday...):<br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;color:#cc66cc;"><strong>We are having a girl!!!</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#000000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000000;">A little girl!! Glenn has said girl since the day we got our first beta back. He just "felt" it and, well, he was right!!</span><br /><br />But, honestly, more important, we found out that she is perfect! Everything looked great! I was measuring two days ahead and they estimate her at 1 pound already! <br /><br />And, some of my questions were answered, which helped me immensely. I'm still down about 12 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight and carrying small and, while I know this is OK, I just wanted to know that the baby (OK, I guess I can call her "she" now!!) was growing OK. Well, she is growing just fine! They told me that she will take all the nutrients she needs from me first and I get the leftovers, so, as long as I feel OK, at this point, then I'm getting enough nutrition for me.<br /><br />I've also not felt her moving at all. And, again, while I know that this is OK, I couldn't help but worry a little. First of all, she is moving around like she's doing a little jitterbug in there. In fact, they had trouble getting some of the measurements because she was wiggling around so much! I also found out that I have an anterior placenta, which means that the placenta is sitting inside the front of the uterus. It won't cause a problem, but, probably explains why I'm not feeling anything. Basically, she is kicking and punching the placenta, which is acting as a barrier between her and the inside of my tummy. So, no more worries, although, mommy would like to feel her a little bit!<br /><br />So, that's the update on me and my little girl!! We are both doing great!!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-41037034189485610122009-07-30T21:34:00.003-04:002009-07-30T21:53:11.750-04:00Random ConversationsSorry I haven't been around (and, I'm so behind on reading blogs - I swear, I will catch up!). Last week was insane and, this week, Glenn and I are at the National Sports Collectors Convention in Cleveland and I've been offline for a couple of days. We have a business (in addition to our full time jobs) dealing in sports and Americana antiques and collectibles, primarily 18th century stuff. Yes, I married into it, but, honestly, it's pretty cool, especially if you like history.<br /><br />And, this year, watching Glenn tell people he's known in the sports collectibles world for a long time that we're expecting has been such a joy!<br /><br />Anyway, this is a week-long show that we do every year and while I'm taking it very easy, I'm finding that it's much harder on my body now that I'm 20 weeks pregnant. My back hurts from the hard chairs and my feet and legs hurt from the hard convention hall floor.<br /><br />Oh, and yes, I just kind of slipped that in. I am 20 weeks pregnant this week. Halfway there!!!! Our big ultrasound is next week. I can't wait! I just want to know that everything is OK, you know?<br /><br />Anyway, as you all know, I am very open about my infertility and the struggle we've gone through to get to this point. And, as a result, it's amazing how many people I meet who have or are currently struggling with the same. A chance meeting in the women's aisle at the supermarket led to a conversation about ovulation predictor strips and day 21 testing. Talking with my hairdresser while he was coloring my hair led to a discussion with another patron who has 6 year old twins from donor eggs. I've had infertility conversations at the bank, on a plane, in the dentist's office, and in Best Buy. And, it happened again today. <br /><br />As you would imagine, men outnumber women at the Sports Collectors Convention by, well, by a lot. But, as chance would have it, our booth ended up next to the booth of another couple, married just 2 years. They deal the same kind of stuff we do (there aren't that many 18th century dealers out there) and the husband and Glenn knew of one another but had never met.<br /><br />Anyway, today, the wife and I were talking about our work and she asked if I like mine. This led me to make a comment about how I do enjoy what I do, but, we've been trying to have a baby for a long time and that would result in changes in our life that would impact work. And, just like that, it happened again. She opened up that they were experiencing IF, too and, in fact, this is her first month on clomid. We then talked for a long time about the different procedures we've been through and those I hope she never has to go through. I loved being able to give her hope, as I shared all of the success stories I know.<br /><br />Random conversations. How powerful they can be.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-30254570649276482262009-07-14T20:43:00.008-04:002009-07-14T21:53:00.925-04:00Before I bloggedI've said it before. The support from the IF blogging community is incredible!<br /><br /><div><div>But, I am extremely blessed in that I had a support network before I started to blog. It started innocently enough. Some women from NJ who frequent a particular message board began experiencing the joy (dripping with sarcasm) of infertility testing and treatment. While we were supported by others on the board, we sometimes felt our questions were personal and wanted to take them to a place where only women going through the same pain would see them. From that, a Yahoo support board was formed. </div><div><br /></div><div>Sadly, over time, the number of women on the board grew. Sadly, I say, because it meant that more and more women were experiencing the same grief. But, that's when the magic started to grow. Older members welcomed newer members with open arms. We asked and answered questions, gave advice and prayers, offered shoulders for crying and for support, and shared tears of grief and tears of joy. We had get-togethers and got to know one another personally. And, slowly, over time, we watched everyone achieve what they so greatly desired. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am the last of the originals to be pregnant. While some could look at this as sad, I'm finally able to put a different spin on it. Being last means that I have had the blessing of receiving unending support from these wonderful women for such a long time. </div><div><br /></div><div>A group of us were able to get together this past Saturday. Other than one lovely woman who has put her TTCing on hold for a while, and me, everyone else was there with their beautiful babies. I wanted to share this picture with you:</div><div></div><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358489371528094178" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5oL29wrqp1Z3q_YsMPpa8-6wPUPymdqgppfZ7L46F99aV9km01nRbhNoDC_VRrCpmsaBk_XO0LL5ZOsThktzbX_9TIowqBLnl8Skn4G6ekAAfkBPwFqmPRHfb6q5U4_4xD3qjvKfy6GTU/s400/GTG.JPG" border="0" /><br /><div>How can you not look at all of these beautiful mommies and beautiful babies and not be overwhelmed? Awed? The sheer number of procedures and volume of heartbreak that these women have endured would blow you away, and, yet, they are all here today, smiling, enjoying their children, standing in testament to the strength of women! </div><div><br /></div><div>Yep, that's me at the top holding one of their sons - he's the oldest in the group at 26 months, with the youngest being 9 weeks. </div><div><br /></div><div>What I didn't know is that I was the impetus for this wonderful day!! As the day went on, different people handed me gift bags with different things in them and, each time, I was truly blown away, to the point of being speechless, that they had all thought of me and were celebrating the fact that I was finally close to having the joy they all have. But, then, I realized something even more special. For those who don't know, because I am Jewish, I will not only not have a baby shower, we won't bring anything baby-related into the house before the baby is born. These women knew that and each gift was focused on the mommy-t0-be, and not on the baby. Honoring me was overwhelming enough, but, the fact that they each honored my traditions and beliefs, well, there truly are no words for that. </div><div><br /></div><div>As words came back to me later that evening, I emailed them: </div><div><br /></div><div>"When I look at that picture of all of you mommies and your babies, I really am overwhelmed by it. What we each went through individually to get where we are is almost shadowed by our shared experiences. Would each of us have our babies (or babies to be) without one another? Yeah, probably. But, would we be the people we've become - women who have learned to put ourselves out there, bare, full of raw emotion - women who, despite the utter grief that each of us has experienced, found it not only easy to support and help other women going through the same thing, but, in many ways, therapeutic? No, I'm not sure we would be those women. If there's a reason for this to have happened to all of us, maybe that's it." </div><div><br /></div><div>I love these women. They are not just part of my support system. They are my friends and I cherish the opportunity to know them and watch their children grow up!</div></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-49001566441802194632009-07-10T11:49:00.002-04:002009-07-10T12:16:10.678-04:00Forgot the biggest oneThank you for all the comments on my last post. It is so helpful to know that I'm not the only one who experiences envy on a semi-regular basis.<br /><br />But, I cannot believe I forgot the biggest one.....the one that causes me to have such pangs of envy that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.<br /><br />I am so very envious of every mother who has a child from her own egg. And, like others commented on my previous post, I don't think these feelings of envy will ever go away.<br /><br />It's difficult to talk about this because I never, ever want anyone to think that I consider this pregnancy as anything less than the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life. But, I will admit, it doesn't remove the grief of not continuing my family's genetics. It lessens it, but, doesn't eliminate it. In fact, while most of my heart and mind and soul know that we made the decision to move on to donor eggs at the right time, after 7 IVF attempts, there's a part of me that still wonders and, I suspect, will always wonder if we should have continued trying....if maybe, just maybe, the next cycle would have been the one to produce a healthy pregnancy from my egg.<br /><br />Now that I'm firmly ensconced in the joy of this pregnancy, I'm finding myself thinking about this more and more. And, again, while I still struggle with it and will, most likely, never know the reason why things happened this way, I try to take comfort in my belief that this is the way it's supposed to be. I have to believe there is a greater reason that G-d wanted a child brought to this world made from DNA supplied by Glenn and our donor, but, raised with the values and traditions that I hold so dear.<br /><br />For those who don't believe that things happen for a reason, I respect your opinion, but, I don't hold the same. I HAVE to believe that there's a reason for this and that it's not just random. Maybe it helps assuage the guilt I feel at not continuing my family's genetic lines. Maybe it helps make sense of something that seems so senseless. Maybe it's simply what I was brought up to believe and I hold true to it, albeit blindly. I'm not sure, but, regardless, I will hold on to the elusive concept of a "reason", even if I'm never privy to what that reason is.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-3724932610630226312009-07-06T11:00:00.002-04:002009-07-06T11:57:29.418-04:00I still have green eyesWow, I haven't written in a long time. I'm sorry!! Work was insane last week (in the office until 2:30 in the morning one night) and I've been feeling really tired.<br /><br />Anyway....I seemed to have this <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">misconception</span> about pregnancy. I really thought that my eye color would change. I was hoping that my eyes would go back to the brownish-greenish-hazel color they used to be, but, to my surprise, they have remained a singular, bright shade of green - the green of envy.<br /><br />Before going any further, let me throw out a couple of definitions. These may not be technically correct, but, they are my definitions. In my mind:<br /><br />Envy = You have something that I'm glad you have, but, I wish I could have it also<br />Jealousy = You have something, but, I wish I had it INSTEAD of you<br /><br />So, when I talk about envy, it's not in a mean light. It just means that I wish that I could join you.<br /><br />OK, that said, I really thought that being pregnant would make me feel less envious, but, sadly, I think the feeling has actually increased. I don't know why, but, I suspect it's because what I've so longed to have for so long is now within my grasp, so, it's more real, if that makes any sense. So, two years ago, when people around me were having babies, I really wanted the same thing, but, failed cycle after failed cycle made it seem so far away.<br /><br />Now, I find myself having these feelings even more than I did then. And, the scope of my desire has broadened. I find myself envious of:<br /><br />Women further along in pregnancy than I am<br />Women who will have their big ultrasound at 17, 18, or 19 weeks, when I have to wait until 21 weeks<br />Moms with babies<br />Moms with toddlers<br />Moms getting their kids ready for camp<br />Moms planning birthday parties<br />Moms with twins (that's a post for another day)<br />Moms trying for their second<br /><br />The one that continually surprises me is my reaction to seeing other pregnant women. I see their beautiful bellies or hear them talking about delivering this summer and it almost hurts inside. I think that what's happening is that it is sparking fears I have that, although I'm pregnant now, that I may not make it to where they are, and I think that makes me wish more that I was at that stage already.<br /><br />Remember, if you are one of these people, please don't take this the wrong way because I am so happy for you!!! I just wish that I was where you are and hope that my eye color will fade as I get further along in this pregnancy.....Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-3212473788038198672009-06-24T14:33:00.002-04:002009-06-24T14:50:53.873-04:00Time to shop!I was introduced to the doppler at the OB this morning. Can't say I liked it very much. First of all, I like my ultrasounds because I want to see the baby! Second, the ultrasound is conclusive - there's the baby, there's the heartbeat. The doctor today could not find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler.<br /><br />Now, amazingly, I did not panic. I don't know why. I just somehow knew that everything was OK. So, off to the ultrasound room we went, where, yes, the baby still has a beating heart. I was disappointed that she didn't measure the baby, but, I'll assume, at this point, that a beating heart, coupled with my good results from my first tri screening, are enough.<br /><br />I always hear other people compare their baby to a gymnast or acrobat. I'm not sure why, but, we've seen very little movement at our last two ultrasounds. As it turns out, they were both at the same time of day, before I had really eaten anything, and the doctor thinks we're just hitting a resting time. OK, if they aren't worried, I won't worry either. Well, I won't worry much....<br /><br />Anyway, the growing belly has been somewhat evened out by the 12 pounds I've lost, but, I'm reaching a point where I think some maternity clothes would be a good thing, if only psychologically! I said that, if today's appointment was good, I would begin shopping. So, it's time to spend a little money!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2668297247208435738.post-31298588078940520002009-06-19T13:09:00.002-04:002009-06-19T13:49:37.279-04:00June 19th<strong>June 19, 2005</strong> - As I write this, four years ago, right now, Glenn and I and the people who stood up for us were lining up, waiting to be announced into our wedding reception! It took me until my mid-30's to meet the man that I hoped to spend the rest of my life with and, as we began this wonderful day in our lives, I did so with such hopes and dreams for the future that this would only be the first of so many momentous occasions.<br /><br />Earlier in the week, as I dropped some things off at the reception hall, I saw that they were setting up for a very large bris the next day. I thought about the bris' or baby namings of our future children and it reaffirmed my feelings that we would conceive a honeymoon baby. I just so naively always thought that would happen.<br /><br /><strong>June 19, 2006</strong> - I took my first birth control pill this day. How counterproductive this seemed to getting pregnant, but, it was the first step in getting ready for our first IVF. The next day was my cousin H's wedding and I remember feeling like, as we celebrated this wonderful new beginning for her and P, that I had this little secret. See, again naively, in my mind, kicking-off IVF equated to being pregnant already. I just "knew" that, by our next anniversary, we'd have a baby.<br /><br /><strong>June 19, 2007</strong> - This one doesn't really stand out for me. The first half of the year had been awful. We lost my uncle and then we lost Glenn's uncle. We had 3 attempted IVF's under our belt and had decided to pursue donor eggs. We had such hopes for the second half of this year, and our 3rd year of marriage, to be wonderful. We had no idea what was in store for us.<br /><br /><strong>June 19, 2008</strong> - I won't rehash all the terrible things that happened in the year leading up to our 3rd anniversary, but, suffice it to say, it was the hardest year of our lives. Five days earlier was our unfulfilled due date from the pregnancy we lost in the fall. Needless to say, this was a tough anniversary.<br /><br />And, now, here we are, <strong>June 19, 2009</strong> - our 4th anniversary. While we have no idea what the future will bring us, for maybe the first time since June 19, 2005, I'm content with and love my present! I wake up every day, in our new home, with new life growing inside of me, next to the man without whom I wouldn't be here...........yes, the present is pretty wonderful! <br /><br />And, I have such hope, perhaps no longer naively, though, for our 5th year!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.com11