Helping Make Sense

One year ago

2010-03-25T21:46:00.004-04:00

I haven't written in a long time. I don't know why. I don't know what that means. I don't know what I'll do in the future. I still love the idea of blogging, but, I guess I just haven't really had much to say that I think will be of interest to anyone.

But, I needed to write today. See, one year ago today, something amazing happened. One year ago today, our egg donor went into an operating room and had 23 eggs removed from her ovaries. And, she gave them to me. 19 of those eggs fertilized and one of them became my incredible daughter.

The decision to use donor egg is not an easy one. As you know, I struggled with it for a long time. But, I never doubted the love I would feel for a baby conceived from donor egg and, looking at my daughter, there is absolutely no question in my mind that she is the baby I am supposed to be momma to!

This may sound strange, but, I am actually grateful for all of my years of infertility because, without them, I wouldn't have Alana. But, mostly, I owe my life to a woman I will never meet but who gave me the greatest gift someone can give another person. She gave me my baby.

Happy conception day, my love!

Alana's Baby Naming

2010-02-09T10:03:00.004-05:00

Wow, it's been almost a month since I've written. Sorry!!! The last few weeks have been very hectic. Alana got her days and nights straight, so, we've been getting some decent sleep at night, but, she's up most days. This kid either sleeps all day or is awake all day, refusing to take a nap! Plus, I really like getting out with her, so, we've been doing things most days, whether she's awake or not!

But, what's really kept me busy has been planning Alana's baby naming. In the jewish faith, a baby girl is named in temple when the Torah is read. She is supposed to be named the first time the Torah is read after she is born, which often means she isn't even there. Glenn and my parents went to temple the Saturday after she was born (we were still in the hospital) and she was officially named. However, we wanted to do something for friends and family, something that would have meaning for us.

So, this past Saturday, we, again, named Alana in front of the Torah. The rabbi allowed me to write the ceremony, so I was able to choose prayers and readings that were meaningful for us and for our family and I was able to have many people participate. For instance, during the ceremony, I explained who she was named after. While I was doing that, I had someone who was close to that particular person holding Alana as I explained who that person was and why we named after him or her.

Also, for the jewish girls reading this who know what this means, I chose to learn and chant the haftorah. I can't really explain it, but, there felt like no better way for me to honor my family, both those here and those no longer with us, and to show my commitment to educating my daughter in the jewish faith then by doing this on the day that she was officially introduced to the jewish community.

As you may know, a huge snowstorm was predicted for this past Saturday, but, somehow, it spared our area and, although we did lose some family and friends, many more people were able to make it then we thought just a day earlier. It ended up being an absolutely beautiful and meaningful day as Alana was named, introduced to the community, and met much of her extended family and friends, including some who have been so very supportive of me throughout our struggles!!

Go to sleep!!

2010-01-14T01:05:00.006-05:00

Whoever said that pregnancy-induced insomnia is supposed to prepare you for being up at all hours of the night was a big liar! Huge liar!! There is nothing that can prepare you for lack of sleep!!

I really can't complain. Alana sleeps great - from 3:00am to 7:00 or 8:00am. She also tends to sleep great around 10:00 in the morning (when, of course, mommy should take a nap, but, has yet to). When she doesn't/won't/can't sleep is anywhere between the hours of 7:00pm and 3:00am! I keep trying different things, but, no matter what I do, she just cannot fall asleep during these hours. OK, that's not entirely true. She can, sometimes, fall asleep. She just cannot STAY asleep!

Right now, at 1:00 in the morning, she is in her swing, looking around. But, at least she is quiet! Hopefully she'll fall asleep within the next half hour or so and I'll be able to carry her upstairs and, again, hopefully, she'll stay asleep. Until it's time to eat again in about 2 hours....

As Glenn says, she's lucky she's so cute!!

Oh, and guess who celebrated her one month birthday on Saturday?!

But, I think she quickly grew tired of mommy's photo shoot...

Asking for your vote!

2010-01-07T07:55:00.002-05:00

Alana is up for the Best of 2009 on our photographer's website!!! If you'd like to vote for her, head over here and vote for #2!! Voting ends at midnight tonight!!

And, while there, check out Tina's amazing work!! Alana's full gallery from our photo shoot is available here and the password is star! I am in awe of the beautiful images she captured!!

Ready for her closeup

2009-12-24T11:25:00.008-05:00

Meet Alana!

Now, while Mommy is working on her photography skills and has yet to capture a picture of Alana where she doesn't look sad or angry, Tina at Life is a Highway Photography has mastered the art of taking newborn pictures!! Please check out her sneak preview of Alana and, if you would like, leave a comment after the photos (50 comments gets us a prize and 100 comments gets us a better prize!). I cannot wait to see the rest of the photos because I'm going to wear out my computer screen (if such a thing was possible) looking at the first one!

My daughter is a week old today!!!!

2009-12-16T12:12:00.003-05:00

Oh, blog world, I am so very sorry that I have let a whole week go by without announcing the birth of the love of my life!! For some reason, I was unable to get online at the hospital, even though they have wireless, and with other things going on, I just wasn't able to troubleshoot it.

Alana Anna Aaryn M(lastname) was born on Wednesday, 12/9, at 12:25 in the afternoon via c-section. There is no way I could adequately put into words what I felt at that moment, so, I won't even try, at least not today when I'm a ball of hormones. Let's just say that it's like nothing I ever knew possible!

We ended up spending an extra night in the hospital for two reasons. The blood pressure issues I had in the weeks leading up to delivery continued after and, in fact, got worse. I was constantly monitored for preeclampsia, but, in the words of the doctor, on paper, I was perfect. All of my results were, not just good, but perfect. I just have this moderately high pressure that they can't seem to get completely under control. I'm under the care of a hypertension doctor now and they have adjusted my medicine a couple of times and we're watching it very closely.

But, having the spend an extra night in the hospital was actually a blessing in disguise because, the night before we were supposed to leave, Alana developed a fever and was sent to the NICU. Imagine how scary it is when a doctor comes into your room at 3:00am and tells you that your perfectly healthy baby has a fever, is being taken to the NICU for testing, and may need a spinal tap! Thankfully, by the time they admitted her to the NICU, her fever had dropped and never went high again. All of her test results came back normal, no spinal tap was needed, and they think the high reading could have just been a fluke.

They told me she would have to stay for 48 hours after being admitted, which would have been Tuesday, while I was going to be released Monday. I know it would have only been one night, but, the thought of leaving without her was devastating. But, thanks to a wonderful NICU pediatrician who stayed on top of all of her negative test results, she was released with me and we came home Monday night!!!

Yesterday was a whirlwind, so, today is really the first day I've had time to get online and post. I hope you'll all forgive me and I promise to get a couple of pictures up very very soon!!! She is so incredibly gorgeous and I am more in love than I ever knew possible!

Every single time Glenn and I walked out of a hospital over the last four years, and sadly, there have been way too many times, I said to him "next time we walk out of a hospital, we should be bringing home our baby". It didn't happen for a very long time, but, Monday night, I finally walked out of a hospital with my baby....and, after seeing her for the first time, it was one of the most emotional moments of my life!!!

The Final Countdown

2009-12-08T11:50:00.002-05:00

After three trips to L&D for extended monitoring, and three trips back home without the baby, the time has finally arrived!

I am having a baby tomorrow!

OK, I have a perinatologist appointment in an hour and will likely be sent for monitoring because my blood pressure is still really high. The big question is whether they will keep me and deliver today, keep me and deliver, as scheduled, tomorrow, or send me home like every other time. So, yes, there is a chance I'll have the baby today, but, if not, I am having a baby tomorrow!!!!

I have so much I want to say, but, I'm going to save it until after she is here and we are both safe and, G-d willing, healthy.

So, stay tuned!!!

Bedrest in the middle ages

2009-12-03T14:15:00.002-05:00

So, I've been on bedrest for a week and a half now. And, honestly, it hasn't been awful, although I can't imagine how people do it for months! Then today happened. We lost our power around 6:30 this morning. That meant no TV, no phones (can't find the non-cordless phone), and no internet. Plus, because of the high BP induced headache, it was putting a little too much strain on my eyes to try to read, so, I couldn't do that, either. So, what did I do? I went back to sleep! Nice!!

Spoke to Glenn on my cell at 9. Checked email, etc... Around 10:00, I noticed that my cells (both personal and work) weren't working, either!!

So, I had no contact, whatsoever, with the outside world!!!! Thankfully, the power came back around 12:30. Whew!!!!

In other news, we had another false alarm this week. I saw the MFM on Tuesday for my weekly stress test and ultrasound. They had a very hard time keeping this kid on monitor and, when they got her, it seemed as if her heart rate was dropping very low. So, back over to the PET unit for monitoring I went. The doctor told me not to eat anything, thinking this would probably be it. And, why not?! I was 38 weeks exactly. My little monster was estimated to be 8lbs 11ozs! I'm still struggling with the blood pressure issues. And, now this. Just felt like time, right?!

Nope. They proceeded to hook me up and, for 2+ hours, the baby looked, as they put it, "gorgeous". So, once again, I was released on bedrest. Ugh!! I want this baby out of me!!!!

Yesterday, my BP was tracking high even when laying down. I had an OB appointment in the afternoon and the doctor didn't want to send me over for monitoring again, so, she decided to increase my meds a bit and I have to go back for a BP check tomorrow. It's still tracking on the higher side today, so, we'll see what happens. At this point, I'm just looking at my scheduled date of 12/9 and if they decide to deliver her sooner we'll just be very pleasantly surprised.

We are ALL so very ready!!!!! Oh, except for the baby, who seems to be very happy and content inside of me!

What I'm most thankful for this year

2009-11-26T12:07:00.002-05:00

This time, last year, our 7th IVF failed. It may, possibly, have been the lowest point in my life. We decided to go for a 4th opinion, to CCRM, but couldn't schedule the phone consult until January. The end of 2008 was just such a low time.

Then, after 3 terrible years of terrible things happening in our families, along came 2009. First of all, we finally sold our house in early January, after 16 months on the market, and bought our forever house. Then, we had our CCRM phone consult, where we were told that we had done everything there was to do and there was nothing else to try and we should re-consider DE (which we had previously considered).

Now, some might think that was a bad message, but, in a bizarre way, it wasn't. Through the graces of G-d, I was finally ready to hear that message. That's not to say that the decision to use DE was easy or that I won't always wonder if "just one more" might have been the IVF that would have produced my genetic child.

But, I truly could not be more thankful today to G-d for helping me make that very difficult decision, maybe the most difficult one of my life, but the very decision that has directly resulted in the incredible joy of feeling this baby dancing inside of me, days away from, through his grace, joining us on the outside!

Things are picking up around here

2009-11-24T21:57:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately, it's my blood pressure that has been picking up......

Started Sunday night. I've been checking my pressure 4x a day since May. Suddenly, Sunday night, it went way, way up. It was still really high Monday morning, so, I called the OB, went in, and it was still high in the office. So, they sent me to the hospital for monitoring. Everyone - the OB I saw that morning, the OB I saw in the hospital, the nurses, Glenn and I - everyone thought I was going to be admitted and have the baby today. Surprise! When they hooked me up, my BP's were back to normal!

They did, however, find some protein in my urine. So, they sent me home, on bedrest, and doing a 24 hour urine collection.

I had a perinatologist appointment this morning and my BP's were high again, but, when I laid down, they come down, so, as long as they are low when I'm laying, they are not ready to make the delivery decision.

However, all of the doctors agree that, since we are 37 weeks today (full term!!!), if there is any reason to move forward, it's a no-brainer and we still think there's a strong possibility it could happen this week. It's really going to come down to what my 24 hour urine collection shows tomorrow. I'm fairly certain it's going to show protein. I pounded water before I got to the doctor today, so, when I produced a sample, it was really light and there was no protein, but, I think that's because it processed through me fast. Before leaving the office, I had to go and collected it because I needed it for my jug. Since I had already collected it, I decided to dip it while I was still in the bathroom and it did show a trace of protein. So, I'm pretty sure the whole sample will show some. IF it does, and if it's enough, I'm fairly certain they'll bring me in and deliver me this week, maybe even on Thanksgiving!

This is all "maybe", but, well, we're all ready to just meet this baby already, so, a girl can hope, can't she?!

Separation Anxiety

2009-11-20T10:03:00.002-05:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your comments on my last post!! I've really missed you all and you all made me feel so happy to be back!!!

As we get closer and closer to our due date, I find myself feeling wistful and sad at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. I absolutely cannot wait for this little girl to be here, and, in many ways, can't relax until she is here and I know she safe and healthy. But, I have truly enjoyed being pregnant. I love the little secret world that only she and I live in, where she tells me when she's awake, hungry, enjoying the munchkins I'm eating, etc....! Part of me isn't ready to share that with anyone else. Plus, poor thing, I feel bad that she has to go from munchkins to formula!!

But, that's not the only separation anxiety I'm dealing with. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. Basically, my pelvic bones are separating, causing pain when my legs are uneven, such as walking, climbing stairs, getting in and out of the car, turning over in bed, etc.... Honestly, it's not too bad, more annoying. I started maternity leave this past Tuesday (yea!!!!) and, how ironic, that's the day this was diagnosed. I have a bunch of things - both inside and outside the house - I'm trying to get done, and this is just making it all a little more difficult.

But, it's really not too bad, at least not yet, and, I'm so close to delivering that, hopefully, it won't have time to get really bad!

The most important thing is that it, in now way, impacts the baby. She's doing great!!! The doctor this week said that she's so happy in there that she might come out in April, maybe May! But, she's getting ready. When they check my cervix (which isn't doing anything yet), they tell me that they can feel her head. Her head!!! We're just in a waiting game now!

Why I haven't been blogging...

2009-11-13T23:56:00.003-05:00

The easy answer? I really don't know. I just haven't been doing it.

The more complicated answer? In a way, I kind of feel like I don't belong anywhere.

Glenn keeps reminding me that it's been a long time since I've written anything, which prompted me to really think about what's going on and why I haven't. And, I realized that I guess I just don't know what to talk about.

Let me explain. While I started this blog to be more than a chronicle of my infertility struggle, that's what it predominately became. And, that's OK. That was, for a long time, the main thing in my life that I found relief in writing about.

Then, after 8 IVF attempts, we finally found ourselves pregnant. And, I made a big deal of saying that, since that was what was going on in my life, I was going to continue writing, and, likely, about my pregnancy, especially my feelings about a donor egg pregnancy.

So, what happened? I guess I feel like I'm stuck between these two worlds - the world of infertility and the world of pregnancy. Infertility is and always will be a part of my life, but, I worry that, writing about my continued struggles with it will appear, I don't know, fake to those still in the trenches.

And, then there's being pregnant. So, here goes. I'll just say it. I LOVE being pregnant - likely because I've been BLESSED with a really easy pregnancy. I mean, really, really easy. No morning sickness. No bleeding. No weight gain. No swelling. No gestational diabetes. No scares. None.

So, I worry that the women still struggling with infertility won't want to hear about my continued struggles while I'm carrying a baby, something they long for. And I worry that the pregnant women, especially those who have struggled through their pregnancies, won't want to hear about my easy pregnancy (I mean, really, can you blame them??).

So, there it is. And, I hope that, by looking inside myself, analyzing my feelings, and putting them out there, I can now get past them and get back to blogging because, really, now that I'm writing this tonight, I realize how much I miss it!!

Now, I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on!

Radiating - the good and the bad

2009-10-12T17:04:00.000-04:00

Bad radiating - when your husband has a nuclear stress test and you have to be apart for 2 weeks because he is "radiating" nuclear waves and it's dangerous for your unborn baby!

Bad radiating - when everyone else in a room is cold and you think they should sit next to you because you are so hot you must be radiating heat!

GOOD RADIATING - when the woman sitting next to you in the restaurant wishes you luck with the baby and says that she is a delivery room nurse and knew you were pregnant looking at your face because you are radiating and glowing!

I am miserable

2009-10-03T11:37:00.002-04:00

Women complain during pregnancy. It's a fact. One I have absolutely no problem with. Many women who have experienced IF feel that, once I get pregnant, I'll happily contend with all discomforts and, by gosh, I won't complain about them! Eh, I don't really agree with this. Doesn't matter to me how you got pregnant - if something is bothering you, by all means, complain away! It's your right!

That said, I have been so blessed to have an easy pregnancy (please, please knock on some wood for me!), so, I haven't really had much to complain about.

But, now I'm going to complain, although, pregnancy is only remotely related to this. I have a cold! Yep, I'm devoting a whole blog post to a stupid cold!

But, this is no ordinary cold. I am now going on day 12 of this monster. I have been in the office one day in the last nine. I even missed going to services for Yom Kippur. And, while it's finally bearable during the day, my nights are miserable! As you may recall, Glenn and I are still required to sleep separately for a few more days, which has really worked to his advantage because I am a monster at night. I have a terrible post-nasal drip that, at night, becomes awful chest congestion. I lay down and I start to convulse and choke and cough and cannot catch my breath. It's almost scary how ferociously I'm coughing (my whole abdomen hurts even to move). I keep worrying I'm going to cough so hard my water will break! I know it's completely irrational to think this, but, when you're awake at 3 in the morning for the 8th night in a row, well, who know why the mind thinks what it thinks. Any little sleep I get is in the seated position, and it's not much.

So, how is this related to pregnancy? Well, it limits what I can take. For the first week, I suffered with nothing but cough drops. I saw both the high risk and OB this week and both told me to start taking Robitussin. Helps during the day, but, you can't control the cough when you're choking from mucous overload at night (I know, TMI).

Good news is that it's clearly not the flu. No fever. No aches. Just a bad, bad cold. I just wish it would start to break up so I could get a decent night of sleep. My GP doesn't want to put me on an antibiotic, but, has agreed to see me Monday or Tuesday if it's not any better by then.

Also on the good news front, as I said, I saw both doctors this week and baby girl is doing great! On Tuesday, at 29 weeks, she was already estimated to be 3 pounds 7 ounces and was measuring a week ahead!! Oh, but I failed the 1 hour glucose test again, so, now I have to repeat the 3 hour. Hopefully I'll kick this cold soon so I can go do it this week.

I can't believe I am breathing down the neck of 30 weeks....even if that breathing includes some nasty coughing!!!

Um, important things you should be told!

2009-09-23T13:11:00.003-04:00

Glenn had a repeat nuclear stress test yesterday. Everything is fine!! Well, almost everything.

We use a hospital in NYC for his procedures. While he was in the test, I was in the lobby working. When I realized that he was much later than we thought he would be, I packed up my laptop and headed up to the cath lab. I inquired as to his status and the admitting nurse went to check. She came back and told me he was waiting and asked if I wanted to go back and wait with him. I said OK. Then, and thank goodness I was wearing something that made me look pregnant (because I often still don't look it at all) she asked me if I'm pregnant. When I said that I am, she told me that I can't be around him! Whhhaaattt???

I called his cardiologist and didn't get a straight answer out of him (who, by the way, knew I was pregnant). I called my OB and they didn't know how long we needed to apart, but, did say I couldn't be near him. Finally, I called my dad (my parents were our saviours yesterday!!), who, luckily, had just left work in the city and he came over so he could drive Glenn home. When Glenn was done with the test, he met with the doctor reviewing the results (not his doctor), who told him that, if he had known I was pregnant, he wouldn't have performed it!

He basically explained that, in 72 hours, 50% of the radiation will be out of his body. 72 hours after that, 50% of what remains will be out, and so on. He said that, to be safe, they would like to see 5 cycles of that happen before he can be in close contact with me, so, for the next two weeks, I can't be within 3 feet of my husband, which includes sleeping in the same bed!!

After the initial shock, I found the humor in this, but, now, I'm past that and I'm just furious!! What if this nurse didn't pick up on me being pregnant? How could his cardiologist order this test? How could the hospital perform it? Shouldn't there be an inquiry into whether the patient has a pregnant immediate family member as part of their standard questioning???

Now, there are definitely conflicting opinions on how much radiation he got and how long we really need to be apart. But, a cardiologist at one of the top NYC hospitals told us 2 weeks to be on the safe side, and well, we've come too far to risk not listening to him.

Anthems

2009-09-11T11:04:00.003-04:00

OK, you know it's bad when your husband says "hey, you haven't posted on your blog in a long time"!!

I have no excuse. I sit down to write something and other things just creep up and I never get back here.

So, to update, all is good here! I passed my 3 hour glucose test, so, no gestational diabetes! I lost another 2 pounds, but, I think the tide is beginning to turn on that and I expect to be up a couple of pounds at next week's OB appointment. Speaking of next week, I officially enter the third trimester on Tuesday!!! Holy cow - how the heck did that happen???

Work is really, really busy, so I don't have time to write a lot. But, I've had this song going through my head for weeks now. I guess, for me, it's my little "pregnant after years of infertility hell" anthem, so, I thought I'd share it.

I Made it Through the Rain
Barry Manilow

We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive

We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives

Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel so afraid

Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade

'Cause when I chased my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

So, do you have an anthem for something that has happened or is happening in your life?

Shopping is fun!

2009-08-25T14:35:00.011-04:00

As I said in my last post, we found and ordered nursery furniture!! Of course, since then, I've been worried again about something going wrong, but, I'll elaborate on that later. But, for now, I've decided that I'm not going to let my fears stop me!

My mom, aunt, and I went shopping two weeks ago and had an absolutely wonderful time!! My mom made it very clear, way before we were pregnant, that she and my dad wanted to buy the nursery furniture when the time came. Who could turn down an offer like that? LOL, seriously, Glenn and I are so very grateful to my parents for this and for all that they do for us (while we were out shopping, my dad was helping Glenn and his brother hang shelves to set-up our home office in our basement - OK, let's be real here, Glenn and his brother were watching my dad do it!!).

A few weeks ago, my aunt asked if I was going to put a rocker of some kind in the room and, if so, she wanted to buy that for us. Seriously, how lucky can a girl be to have family like this??!!

So, off we went, with a list of places to go. Well, it took all of one stop and we found everything we wanted!

The furniture is from Ragazzi's Mirella collection and I absolutely love it!!!

And, this is the chair. It's a glider recliner and will be very close to the raspberry color below, with a sort of a pink on pink texture and no piping.

Per Jewish custom, we will not have anything delivered to the house until after she's born, but, I cannot wait to see it all together!!

As I said, it was such a lovely day for my mom and aunt and I to share. Thank you so much mom and dad and Aunt Shelly!!

Unfortunately, a certain individual gave us a lot of grief at the end of the day for not being included in the decisions around what furniture would be in MY daughter's room in MY house (for the record, while my mom and aunt gave their opinions, it was my decision) and, although I firmly believe that there was absolutely no reason for this person to be involved and I don't feel guilty for not including her, she somehow managed to make the day end on a very sour note for me.

Oh well.....I can't please everyone (although I keep trying....).

Small failure

2009-08-19T18:12:00.002-04:00

Wow, my last update was August 5th? I don't really know why I'm not writing much. I guess I just don't seem to have much to say these days. I want to write more. I just don't know what to say. I'll work on it!

Anyway, everything is mostly going well. I've been having some low pains, but, the doctors aren't concerned. They feel it's just her putting pressure down there. Speaking of my little girl, she is definitely making herself known more and more every day. I haven't yet felt her from the outside (although the doctor did this week!), but, I'm feeling her thuds more and more on the inside! She's very happy after I eat! I can't imagine I'll ever tire of this feeling!!!

I've now been tracking my blood pressure 4 times a day for over 2 weeks and it's been good so far.

I'm now 23 weeks and had an OB appointment on Monday. I still feel really small, but, the OB said I'm measuring in the range of 22-23 weeks, so, all is fine. Her heart rate is great and I'm still 12 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy weight.

Although it's a little earlier than normal, for various reasons, they did a 1 hour glucose test this week and, well, I failed. The normal range is 65-130 and mine came in at 151. The nurse said this is low in the failure range, but, it doesn't really matter if it's low - I still have to do the dreaded 3 hour glucose test next week.

Honestly, I'm not worried about it. It is what it is, and, hopefully, like many other women who failed the 1 hour, I'll pass the 3 hour!

Oh, and we found and ordered nursery furniture this past weekend! We won't have it delivered and set-up until after she's born, but, just knowing there will be a crib in this house has me all sorts of giddy! More in my next post!!

Hope everyone is doing well!!

Finding out

2009-08-05T11:08:00.003-04:00

For a few weeks I'd been meaning to post about this and life has been so hectic that I didn't get a chance to. I've been overwhelmed lately by how many people have asked if we were going to find out the sex of the baby. Not overwhelmed in a bad way! Just surprised at how everyone we would encounter, even strangers, would ask. I am, in no way offended by the question. Heck, I've been open about everything else with regards to baby-making and this question is mild compared to some I've been asked!

It just makes me wonder if I've asked everyone that in the past. I guess I have as it seems like such a natural question these days. I wonder if anyone was offended by the question? I think this can be added to the list of things you really don't think about until you are in the situation yourself.

So, to answer the question, yes, we plan to find out the sex of this little one. I always thought I would wait to find out, but, all the years of infertility treatments changed my mind. For so long now, we have been unsure of what life has in store for us. We have lived with so much uncertainty. Maybe it's the control freak in me, but, being able to actually "know" this makes me feel so much better!

Anyway, "plan to find out" is a little incorrect at this point, because, we actually had out big ultrasound yesterday! So, for the handful of people who haven't heard (I did a pretty good job of spreading it around yesterday...):

We are having a girl!!!

A little girl!! Glenn has said girl since the day we got our first beta back. He just "felt" it and, well, he was right!!

But, honestly, more important, we found out that she is perfect! Everything looked great! I was measuring two days ahead and they estimate her at 1 pound already!

And, some of my questions were answered, which helped me immensely. I'm still down about 12 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight and carrying small and, while I know this is OK, I just wanted to know that the baby (OK, I guess I can call her "she" now!!) was growing OK. Well, she is growing just fine! They told me that she will take all the nutrients she needs from me first and I get the leftovers, so, as long as I feel OK, at this point, then I'm getting enough nutrition for me.

I've also not felt her moving at all. And, again, while I know that this is OK, I couldn't help but worry a little. First of all, she is moving around like she's doing a little jitterbug in there. In fact, they had trouble getting some of the measurements because she was wiggling around so much! I also found out that I have an anterior placenta, which means that the placenta is sitting inside the front of the uterus. It won't cause a problem, but, probably explains why I'm not feeling anything. Basically, she is kicking and punching the placenta, which is acting as a barrier between her and the inside of my tummy. So, no more worries, although, mommy would like to feel her a little bit!

So, that's the update on me and my little girl!! We are both doing great!!

Random Conversations

2009-07-30T21:34:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't been around (and, I'm so behind on reading blogs - I swear, I will catch up!). Last week was insane and, this week, Glenn and I are at the National Sports Collectors Convention in Cleveland and I've been offline for a couple of days. We have a business (in addition to our full time jobs) dealing in sports and Americana antiques and collectibles, primarily 18th century stuff. Yes, I married into it, but, honestly, it's pretty cool, especially if you like history.

And, this year, watching Glenn tell people he's known in the sports collectibles world for a long time that we're expecting has been such a joy!

Anyway, this is a week-long show that we do every year and while I'm taking it very easy, I'm finding that it's much harder on my body now that I'm 20 weeks pregnant. My back hurts from the hard chairs and my feet and legs hurt from the hard convention hall floor.

Oh, and yes, I just kind of slipped that in. I am 20 weeks pregnant this week. Halfway there!!!! Our big ultrasound is next week. I can't wait! I just want to know that everything is OK, you know?

Anyway, as you all know, I am very open about my infertility and the struggle we've gone through to get to this point. And, as a result, it's amazing how many people I meet who have or are currently struggling with the same. A chance meeting in the women's aisle at the supermarket led to a conversation about ovulation predictor strips and day 21 testing. Talking with my hairdresser while he was coloring my hair led to a discussion with another patron who has 6 year old twins from donor eggs. I've had infertility conversations at the bank, on a plane, in the dentist's office, and in Best Buy. And, it happened again today.

As you would imagine, men outnumber women at the Sports Collectors Convention by, well, by a lot. But, as chance would have it, our booth ended up next to the booth of another couple, married just 2 years. They deal the same kind of stuff we do (there aren't that many 18th century dealers out there) and the husband and Glenn knew of one another but had never met.

Anyway, today, the wife and I were talking about our work and she asked if I like mine. This led me to make a comment about how I do enjoy what I do, but, we've been trying to have a baby for a long time and that would result in changes in our life that would impact work. And, just like that, it happened again. She opened up that they were experiencing IF, too and, in fact, this is her first month on clomid. We then talked for a long time about the different procedures we've been through and those I hope she never has to go through. I loved being able to give her hope, as I shared all of the success stories I know.

Random conversations. How powerful they can be.

Before I blogged

2009-07-14T20:43:00.008-04:00

I've said it before. The support from the IF blogging community is incredible!

But, I am extremely blessed in that I had a support network before I started to blog. It started innocently enough. Some women from NJ who frequent a particular message board began experiencing the joy (dripping with sarcasm) of infertility testing and treatment. While we were supported by others on the board, we sometimes felt our questions were personal and wanted to take them to a place where only women going through the same pain would see them. From that, a Yahoo support board was formed.

Sadly, over time, the number of women on the board grew. Sadly, I say, because it meant that more and more women were experiencing the same grief. But, that's when the magic started to grow. Older members welcomed newer members with open arms. We asked and answered questions, gave advice and prayers, offered shoulders for crying and for support, and shared tears of grief and tears of joy. We had get-togethers and got to know one another personally. And, slowly, over time, we watched everyone achieve what they so greatly desired.

I am the last of the originals to be pregnant. While some could look at this as sad, I'm finally able to put a different spin on it. Being last means that I have had the blessing of receiving unending support from these wonderful women for such a long time.

A group of us were able to get together this past Saturday. Other than one lovely woman who has put her TTCing on hold for a while, and me, everyone else was there with their beautiful babies. I wanted to share this picture with you:

How can you not look at all of these beautiful mommies and beautiful babies and not be overwhelmed? Awed? The sheer number of procedures and volume of heartbreak that these women have endured would blow you away, and, yet, they are all here today, smiling, enjoying their children, standing in testament to the strength of women!

Yep, that's me at the top holding one of their sons - he's the oldest in the group at 26 months, with the youngest being 9 weeks.

What I didn't know is that I was the impetus for this wonderful day!! As the day went on, different people handed me gift bags with different things in them and, each time, I was truly blown away, to the point of being speechless, that they had all thought of me and were celebrating the fact that I was finally close to having the joy they all have. But, then, I realized something even more special. For those who don't know, because I am Jewish, I will not only not have a baby shower, we won't bring anything baby-related into the house before the baby is born. These women knew that and each gift was focused on the mommy-t0-be, and not on the baby. Honoring me was overwhelming enough, but, the fact that they each honored my traditions and beliefs, well, there truly are no words for that.

As words came back to me later that evening, I emailed them:

"When I look at that picture of all of you mommies and your babies, I really am overwhelmed by it. What we each went through individually to get where we are is almost shadowed by our shared experiences. Would each of us have our babies (or babies to be) without one another? Yeah, probably. But, would we be the people we've become - women who have learned to put ourselves out there, bare, full of raw emotion - women who, despite the utter grief that each of us has experienced, found it not only easy to support and help other women going through the same thing, but, in many ways, therapeutic? No, I'm not sure we would be those women. If there's a reason for this to have happened to all of us, maybe that's it."

I love these women. They are not just part of my support system. They are my friends and I cherish the opportunity to know them and watch their children grow up!

Forgot the biggest one

2009-07-10T11:49:00.002-04:00

Thank you for all the comments on my last post. It is so helpful to know that I'm not the only one who experiences envy on a semi-regular basis.

But, I cannot believe I forgot the biggest one.....the one that causes me to have such pangs of envy that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.

I am so very envious of every mother who has a child from her own egg. And, like others commented on my previous post, I don't think these feelings of envy will ever go away.

It's difficult to talk about this because I never, ever want anyone to think that I consider this pregnancy as anything less than the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life. But, I will admit, it doesn't remove the grief of not continuing my family's genetics. It lessens it, but, doesn't eliminate it. In fact, while most of my heart and mind and soul know that we made the decision to move on to donor eggs at the right time, after 7 IVF attempts, there's a part of me that still wonders and, I suspect, will always wonder if we should have continued trying....if maybe, just maybe, the next cycle would have been the one to produce a healthy pregnancy from my egg.

Now that I'm firmly ensconced in the joy of this pregnancy, I'm finding myself thinking about this more and more. And, again, while I still struggle with it and will, most likely, never know the reason why things happened this way, I try to take comfort in my belief that this is the way it's supposed to be. I have to believe there is a greater reason that G-d wanted a child brought to this world made from DNA supplied by Glenn and our donor, but, raised with the values and traditions that I hold so dear.

For those who don't believe that things happen for a reason, I respect your opinion, but, I don't hold the same. I HAVE to believe that there's a reason for this and that it's not just random. Maybe it helps assuage the guilt I feel at not continuing my family's genetic lines. Maybe it helps make sense of something that seems so senseless. Maybe it's simply what I was brought up to believe and I hold true to it, albeit blindly. I'm not sure, but, regardless, I will hold on to the elusive concept of a "reason", even if I'm never privy to what that reason is.

I still have green eyes

2009-07-06T11:00:00.002-04:00

Wow, I haven't written in a long time. I'm sorry!! Work was insane last week (in the office until 2:30 in the morning one night) and I've been feeling really tired.

Anyway....I seemed to have this misconception about pregnancy. I really thought that my eye color would change. I was hoping that my eyes would go back to the brownish-greenish-hazel color they used to be, but, to my surprise, they have remained a singular, bright shade of green - the green of envy.

Before going any further, let me throw out a couple of definitions. These may not be technically correct, but, they are my definitions. In my mind:

Envy = You have something that I'm glad you have, but, I wish I could have it also
Jealousy = You have something, but, I wish I had it INSTEAD of you

So, when I talk about envy, it's not in a mean light. It just means that I wish that I could join you.

OK, that said, I really thought that being pregnant would make me feel less envious, but, sadly, I think the feeling has actually increased. I don't know why, but, I suspect it's because what I've so longed to have for so long is now within my grasp, so, it's more real, if that makes any sense. So, two years ago, when people around me were having babies, I really wanted the same thing, but, failed cycle after failed cycle made it seem so far away.

Now, I find myself having these feelings even more than I did then. And, the scope of my desire has broadened. I find myself envious of:

Women further along in pregnancy than I am
Women who will have their big ultrasound at 17, 18, or 19 weeks, when I have to wait until 21 weeks
Moms with babies
Moms with toddlers
Moms getting their kids ready for camp
Moms planning birthday parties
Moms with twins (that's a post for another day)
Moms trying for their second

The one that continually surprises me is my reaction to seeing other pregnant women. I see their beautiful bellies or hear them talking about delivering this summer and it almost hurts inside. I think that what's happening is that it is sparking fears I have that, although I'm pregnant now, that I may not make it to where they are, and I think that makes me wish more that I was at that stage already.

Remember, if you are one of these people, please don't take this the wrong way because I am so happy for you!!! I just wish that I was where you are and hope that my eye color will fade as I get further along in this pregnancy.....

Time to shop!

2009-06-24T14:33:00.002-04:00

I was introduced to the doppler at the OB this morning. Can't say I liked it very much. First of all, I like my ultrasounds because I want to see the baby! Second, the ultrasound is conclusive - there's the baby, there's the heartbeat. The doctor today could not find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler.

Now, amazingly, I did not panic. I don't know why. I just somehow knew that everything was OK. So, off to the ultrasound room we went, where, yes, the baby still has a beating heart. I was disappointed that she didn't measure the baby, but, I'll assume, at this point, that a beating heart, coupled with my good results from my first tri screening, are enough.

I always hear other people compare their baby to a gymnast or acrobat. I'm not sure why, but, we've seen very little movement at our last two ultrasounds. As it turns out, they were both at the same time of day, before I had really eaten anything, and the doctor thinks we're just hitting a resting time. OK, if they aren't worried, I won't worry either. Well, I won't worry much....

Anyway, the growing belly has been somewhat evened out by the 12 pounds I've lost, but, I'm reaching a point where I think some maternity clothes would be a good thing, if only psychologically! I said that, if today's appointment was good, I would begin shopping. So, it's time to spend a little money!

June 19th

2009-06-19T13:09:00.002-04:00

June 19, 2005 - As I write this, four years ago, right now, Glenn and I and the people who stood up for us were lining up, waiting to be announced into our wedding reception! It took me until my mid-30's to meet the man that I hoped to spend the rest of my life with and, as we began this wonderful day in our lives, I did so with such hopes and dreams for the future that this would only be the first of so many momentous occasions.

Earlier in the week, as I dropped some things off at the reception hall, I saw that they were setting up for a very large bris the next day. I thought about the bris' or baby namings of our future children and it reaffirmed my feelings that we would conceive a honeymoon baby. I just so naively always thought that would happen.

June 19, 2006 - I took my first birth control pill this day. How counterproductive this seemed to getting pregnant, but, it was the first step in getting ready for our first IVF. The next day was my cousin H's wedding and I remember feeling like, as we celebrated this wonderful new beginning for her and P, that I had this little secret. See, again naively, in my mind, kicking-off IVF equated to being pregnant already. I just "knew" that, by our next anniversary, we'd have a baby.

June 19, 2007 - This one doesn't really stand out for me. The first half of the year had been awful. We lost my uncle and then we lost Glenn's uncle. We had 3 attempted IVF's under our belt and had decided to pursue donor eggs. We had such hopes for the second half of this year, and our 3rd year of marriage, to be wonderful. We had no idea what was in store for us.

June 19, 2008 - I won't rehash all the terrible things that happened in the year leading up to our 3rd anniversary, but, suffice it to say, it was the hardest year of our lives. Five days earlier was our unfulfilled due date from the pregnancy we lost in the fall. Needless to say, this was a tough anniversary.

And, now, here we are, June 19, 2009 - our 4th anniversary. While we have no idea what the future will bring us, for maybe the first time since June 19, 2005, I'm content with and love my present! I wake up every day, in our new home, with new life growing inside of me, next to the man without whom I wouldn't be here...........yes, the present is pretty wonderful!

And, I have such hope, perhaps no longer naively, though, for our 5th year!

One big test down

2009-06-12T13:10:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was my 1st tri screening and nuchal. My appointment was at 9:30 and they said to drink 24 oz of water 30 minutes before the appointment time, which I dutifully did. Then I got there and saw other women drinking there - boy, I was the dumb one!

First we met with the genetic counselor. I was prepared. I brought the genetic family breakdown we already had on our donor, so, we were ahead of the game. We went through Glenn's family, which we'd also already done, and discussed a few more tests for Glenn (they've added tests to the Jewish panel since we did it in 2006).

Then we went in for the ultrasound. She found the heartbeat right away, so, I relaxed a little. As I've said on here before, my fibroids really mess with their ability to get a good picture and, for this one, they had to get a good enough picture to actually measure the fluid in the back of the neck. Oh, the ultrasound tech, Jessica, really beat me up. Between the full bladder and how hard she had to press on my pelvic bone, it was pretty painful. I'm actually bruised today. But, she got what she needed.

Then we had to wait for the doctor to come in, who of course, was delayed. Seriously, in the time we waited, I could have gone to the bathroom, pounded water, and re-filled my bladder. Anyway, the doctor came in and immediately told us that the fluid in the neck was fine, so, no concerns there. Whew!! We'll get the blood test results back in a week, but, for now, everything looks good. The baby was measuring 13w exactly and has a nice, strong heartbeat.

And, here's the pic from yesterday. I know most of you have better pictures from weeks earlier than 13 weeks. Add to that the fact that I still don't have my scanner set up and took this with my phone and the pic is even worse, but, it's my baby and I couldn't be more in love!

Listening Skills

2009-06-08T09:41:00.002-04:00

I don't know how else to say it other than to just come out and say it, so, here goes....

Life is really good right now......really good.

There, I said it. I'm looking above me and there is no big shoe waiting to fall on my head. I'm looking around and there are no ninjas waiting to attack me.

As a result, I feel kind of boring. Who wants to talk about good things all the time, lol? But, that's what I have. We've moved into our new house. The painting was finished last week and looks great! We're having fun furniture shopping and decorating. I had a rough couple weeks of work, culminating in an all-nighter and 2+ hour drive the next morning, but, I got through it and, coincidentally, had planned a 3 day Atlantic City trip which began the next day. I'm a hop, skip, and jump away from being in my 2nd trimester and, although I felt fine for 12 weeks, I've started feeling some nausea, which I totally welcome because it tells me that things are moving along.

See, all good stuff!

And, to add to it all, I had a surprise birthday party yesterday! My family, Glenn's family, and my best friend and her family (my other BF couldn't be there because her daughter was sick and she didn't want to bring stomach virus anywhere near this pregnant lady!). It was such a surprise (as it was a month after my actual birthday!) and such a wonderful day!

At the end of the evening, I got up and thanked everyone. The lead up to my 40th was pretty harrowing for Glenn. I've been telling him for a year that, if I wasn't pregnant, I did not want to celebrate this birthday. Then, I became pregnant, but, it was so early and tenuous. But, my family persevered and planned something wonderful for me!

Anyway, as I was saying all of this, I made a statement along the lines of "and G-d finally listened to our prayer". As I laid in bed last night, sleep alluding me, I realized that this statement really bothered me. I have always felt that G-d listened to my prayers. My beef with him was not that he wasn't listening, but, that I didn't understand why he wasn't responding. And, I finally got it. It's not that G-d wasn't listening to our prayers. And, it's not that he wasn't responding. The problem was that, while I was hearing his response, I just wasn't listening to his response. The donor egg message was there, loud and clear, for a long time and I chose to push it to the side and continue along the path I was going. Now, that doesn't mean that I regret that decision. Quite the contrary - I truly believe that I had to go through each of those steps to get to where I am today. But, now that I'm here, I truly know that G-d guided me to this place, even if it took some detours to get here.

All's Quiet on the Southern Front

2009-06-01T15:25:00.003-04:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written. I don't really have much in the way of an update and work has been kicking my butt so I haven't had time to "think" really about anything else that might turn into a blog post. I'm really just keeping my head above the water. In fact, I have no business even spending 10 minutes writing this post as it's going to be a VERY long night of work. Good thing that Wednesday-Friday Glenn has a CPA convention in Atlantic City and I'm going down for some much needed R&R!

As I said, no real update. I did see the OB again last week and everything was fine with the baby. I had my first outside the body ultrasound. Truth be told, I prefer the vaginal ones. Because of my fibroids, I still don't get a great image, but, it's better from the inside than the outside. It was really weird to walk into the exam room and not strip from the waist down!

I'm working really hard on trying to believe that, from day to day, there's still a live baby down there (get it? the southern front?), but, I'll admit, it's not easy. But, I'm trying and I can't do more than that, right?

My OB is awesome! I'm not seeing the high risk docs for my first tri screening until the 11th (I'll be 13w2d) so my OB told me last week that, if I wanted to, I could come back to him again this week for another ultrasound, I could! As it turns out, because of my work schedule and going out of town I can't get there this week, but, honestly, as worried as I am and as much as I LOVE seeing that squirming baby, it will be good for me to not run back there this week.

One personal note (OK, it's my blog, so I guess they are all personal notes) to "R", who may be reading this - Glenn and I are so happy for you and "J" and look forward to sharing the next 6 months with you!!

Hi, mommy!

2009-05-19T12:20:00.003-04:00

The baby waved at me today!

I've been having a bit of a tough week. In the last 5 or so days, I lost every single symptom I had. Seriously, I couldn't feel less pregnant. No nausea. Food aversions - gone. Cramping - gone. Excessive peeing - gone. Excessive tiredness - somewhat gone. Bloating - gone. I'm eating fine, and, I've somehow lost 7 pounds.

Now, before anyone rolls their eyes and guffaws (yes, I said guffaws) because they are suffering through terrible symptoms, imagine how nervous it would make you if they all suddenly went away. There should be some happy middle ground - enough symptoms that we know something good is happening in there, but, not enough to feel really lousy.

Anyway, I was very nervous going into my first OB appointment today. But, they took me right into the ultrasound room, and there was the beautiful heart beating. And then, suddenly, the baby began squirming around and waving! I couldn't stop giggling! Even the doctor was giggling! I know that each appointment will bring something new and wonderful, and today didn't disappoint at all!

The doctor said everything looks wonderful and that I've passed a big milestone as, in his words, most miscarriages occur before 10 weeks. They are , for various reasons, considering me high risk (which is what I wanted!), so, I'll get a higher level of care and more ultrasounds!

So, I see him again in a week and the high risk team in two weeks for my first trimester screening. I think this is all finally starting to feel real!

Graduation Day

2009-05-15T09:39:00.002-04:00

I was officially released by my RE yesterday and have my first OB appointment next Tuesday. I cannot believe this day has finally come!

I remember the first time I heard someone say that they had "graduated" from their RE. I thought it was a cute way of phrasing it, but, I never thought much about it. Until yesterday. I posted on a message board that I had graduated and someone joked that she didn't remember that I had been in school, and, it got me thinking.

Our journey to have a baby has been almost 4 years long. Yes, we started with the RE 3 years ago (May 5, 2006, my 37th birthday, to be exact), but, really, we started trying to have a baby as soon as we got married, which will be 4 years next month.

Coincidentally, this is the same amount of time it takes most people to earn a college degree. We go off to college innocent and young and come out more mature and with a few more years on us and a few more battle scars, but ready to face the world. Many of us enter sure of what the outcome will be and find that we change paths while there, sometimes multiple times. What we are doing during those years becomes our whole world, even though we know that it will end at some point. Many of us struggle to pay the bills, but find a way because we know this is something we have to do for our future. We experiment, sometimes pushing the boundaries of what we ever thought we were capable of doing. We meet people along the way who help us learn and grow and listen when we need to cry or vent or share our joy, and these people go on to become lifelong friends. Most importantly, we learn more about ourselves during these years than we have at any time previously in our lives. We never forget those years, but we take what we learn and move into the world, ready to embrace the next steps.

Reread that paragraph and think of it in terms of my (or your) journey through the world of infertility. All of those statements still apply, so, yes, I think graduation perfectly explains where I am right now!

One of my first posts after starting this blog compared cycling to going to school and, you know what, I really do feel like I've gone through an extensive education process about myself and the science that got me to where I am today.

I will proudly and honorably accept this degree, with which I hope to plaster my walls in the form of pictures of our baby!

Helping Make Sense

2009-05-12T13:51:00.002-04:00

Everything was great at my ultrasound yesterday! We immediately saw that little heart beating (clocked at 176bpm) and our little baby measured at 8w6d, so, I'm officially 9 weeks today! About my lack of symptoms, the doctor simply said, "Enjoy", which I will start doing. She said that everything is wonderful and, in fact, she could see the baby moving, although, I'll admit, I didn't. I've been taken off the estradiol and the PIO (no more shots - oh, my tush is so grateful!) and begin the prometrium vaginal suppositories 4x a day (on second thought, I'd rather stay on the shots). One more blood level check on Thursday and I'll officially be released!

But, don't worry, I don't have to wait long.......OB appointment is next Tuesday!

So, it's probably about that time to ask the big question - what should become of this blog? In the year and a half or so that I've been reading blogs, I have seen so many infertile women become pregnant and then question what they should do with their blogs? Should they become pregnancy blogs, as that is what is currently going on in their lives? Should they leave their infertility blogs intact, writing when they feel like it, and start a new pregnancy blog?

Here's the thing. I'm not struggling with this question. Yes, I am pregnant, but, I, in no way, feel like I am out of the trenches of infertility. I once watched a program about war refugees and, 40 years after the war ended, they still said that they felt like war refugees. I think that's how I feel. Infertility will always be a part of my life. I think this is even more the case since my child will be the product of donor egg. It isn't as though I went through a standard ART procedure to conceive, but, once conception occurred, the pregnancy was like any other. Donor egg, or more specifically, the child created from that donor egg, will always be a part of my life and often be something I'll have to be aware of. And, I'm absolutely fine with this, but, do recognize that it will always be there.

My point is that I don't really feel like my blog is shifting from one that focused on infertility to one that relishes in the joy of pregnancy. It simply has a new area on which I will likely be writing - a new topic to add to the list of those I expect to continue writing about - infertility included.

I guess I have to go back to why I originally started this blog and why I called it "Helping Make Sense" (and, yes, I have struggled with the grammar of that title...). I wanted someplace to write, someplace to explore what I was going through, in the hopes that through personal expression and insightful and supportive comments (if anyone decided to read and comment - no blogger knows when they first start out if that will happen) I would be able to work through challenges and enjoy successes.

I've gotten that, and so much more, and hope you'll all stick around!!

You gotta believe

2009-05-08T09:22:00.004-04:00

For the most part, I've stopped feeling anything tangible. I do still have sore boobs (although I think they are not as sore as they were a week ago), but, I'm not feeling any kind of cramping anymore and I've even stopped feeling exhausted in the afternoon. I really really really do know that it's totally normal not to feel anything, but, little symptoms certainly make it easier to believe that things are continuing as you so very much hope and pray they are.

So, for now, I keep praying and trying to keep the faith that I still have a healthy, growing baby and I'll keep repeating the mantra of my beloved New York Mets:

You gotta believe
You gotta believe
You gotta believe

(but I'm glad I get to go for another ultrasound on Monday!)

40, pregnant, and living in my parents basement

2009-05-05T22:44:00.003-04:00

I am pleased to say that this is not the case for me!

As you may remember, we sold our old house, but, had a 6 week lag before closing on our new house, during which we were staying with my parents, living in the basement. And, as you also know, I finally got pregnant during that time period.

Well, I am pleased to report the following:

We closed on our new house on Friday and moved in yesterday (Monday)!
I am still pregnant!!
Today, May 5, Cinco de Mayo, I turned 40.

Let's explore each separately.

As you may remember, it took us 16 months to sell our old house, but, the whole long, crazy, loop has now closed and we are living in our new house! I had Verizon here for 10 hours today, but, they finally got our Fios hooked up and I am now back online (and have a lot of blogs to catch up with!)! So, I missed the 40, pregnant, and living with my parents by just a couple of days, but, I missed it!

I am still beautifully pregnant! Yesterday's ultrasound found a 7w5d old baby with a strong heartbeat of 161bpm. In fact, the doctor in the AM released me. I graduated!! OK, I got a call from my nurse in the afternoon rescinding that (what, was I a few credits short? I've been attending early morning sessions for a long time!), not because there was anything wrong, but, because my doctor wants to be a bit more cautious with me and is bringing me back one more week before releasing me, which I'm more than OK with.

And, yes, today is my 40th birthday. I typically don't have a problem with ages, but, I've been struggling with this one for a while. The thought of turning 40 and still not being pregnant after all we've been through...well....I don't think I have to expand on that. In fact, our first RE appointment was on May 5, 2006, my 37th birthday, so, each birthday since has been a reminder of how long we'd been actively cycling and a fear that it would never end. But, obviously, those fears have been assuaged, at least for the time being, and I was truly able to enjoy entering this next decade in my life.

They say the 40's are the new 30's, right?!

No "thinking" this time!

2009-04-27T15:14:00.002-04:00

As a follow-up to my last post, yes, that afternoon I told my nurse that I didn't want to see that doctor anymore. I'm a very easy patient, but, you know what, I want better answers and don't want to waste my precious ultrasounds with someone who isn't going to be comprehensive.

Now, onto today's ultrasound. I am delighted to be able to announce that, as soon as the doctor found the sac, there it was, the most beautiful little flutter I've ever seen!!! And then she switched to audio. I've never heard anything as glorious as that sound!! Seriously, never.

No thinking. No maybes. No I'm not sure's. Everything was conclusive and obvious!

126.5 bpm (beats per minute). Nice and strong! No mistaking that with my heartbeat!

After almost 4 years, opinions at 4 different clinics, cycling at 2 clinics, 8 IVF attempts, 3 IUI's, an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage, and the ultimate decision to use donor eggs, it is almost hard to believe that there is a real, live baby growing inside of me.

Almost, lol!!!! That heartbeat made me a believer!!

How annoying is the word "think"?

2009-04-23T14:37:00.004-04:00

This morning's ultrasound was done by a doctor that I don't particularly like in the practice. There is definitely a nice gestational sac and yolk sac. He "thinks" he saw a fetal pole and, if so, it's measuring 5weeks 6 days, which makes sense (by the calendar I'm 6w1d, but, with my slow start, I think this makes sense). He "thinks" he saw a heartbeat (you could clearly see the flashing on screen), but, he "thinks" it might be my heartbeat and not the baby's. He measured my heart rate against the one he was seeing and they were very similar. He told my my heart was beating really fast - think I might be a little anxious, huh?!

Honestly, he can take his "thinking" and shove it where the sun don't shine.....

OK, I know that sounds harsh, but, this goes back a long way. He was on morning duty the entire week of my Fall '07 miscarriage, so, I had to see him multiple times and, even then, while he's a nice man, I just never felt like he was overly thorough. And that feeling was magnified today. Maybe if he spent a little more time looking, he might be able to prove or disprove what he "thinks". Remember, I have the benefit of having had at least 20 different RE's "in me" (as Glenn likes to put it), so, I have plenty to compare him against and, frankly, he doesn't measure up.

My beta. It has gone up to 9916. So, the doubling continues to slow down (as some believe it should), and, while this is the highest beta I've ever had, and I'm really, really happy about that, I secretely wish it was a little bit higher (although, I swear, I'm not stressing it too much!).

I'm feeling pretty emotionally raw today. I don't want anyone to think that I've given up hope, because I absolutely haven't! I truly know that this can still turn out wonderfully and what happened today isn't necessarily bad at all. It's just all feeling a little too deja vu-ey to me, when they kept bringing me back looking for a heartbeat that never materialized. And, it's magnified by the fact that two years ago yesterday was my due date from IVF #1, the one that resulted in an ectopic pregnancy.

So, we still wait. Next ultrasound is Monday......hopefully we'll see someone who "knows" rather than "thinks"!

Doubling slowing down

2009-04-20T15:52:00.004-04:00

Yes, my beta is still doubling, but, it has steadily been slowing down:

So, the logical part of me says that this is OK. While we all look for doubling in the 48 hour time frame, really, it's 48-72 hours and this is still well within that range.

But, the broken part of me...the person who has had so much pain and devastation from this process, is scared in ways I can't even put into words. I've never had betas that doubled this well, but, the slowing down, well, that I've seen before and it led to something awful.

Now, I should also report that my ultrasound this morning was good. They definitely saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac. No heartbeat yet, but, we all know it's still a little early for that. They're bringing me back on Thursday for another ultrasound where we should see a heartbeat. If I'd had a beta rise like the others, honestly, I'd be fine until Thursday. Now, well, now it's going to be torture.....

In the shadows

2009-04-19T10:17:00.003-04:00

Sorry I didn't update on Friday! We had our ultrasound and, unfortunately, there isn't really much to report. I have four pretty sizable fibroids that cast huge shadows and make it difficult to get a good visual inside certain parts of my uterus. It has always been very difficult to see my right ovary, for example. It happened to be my wonderful doctor who was doing monitoring on Friday and he must have spent 10 minutes trying different angles to get a good picture but was unsuccessful. The good news is that he thinks he saw something and he thinks it looks good, but, he just couldn't be sure. And, he also looked and didn't see anything in my tubes, so, that's good news, too!

I half-jokingly, half-nervously said, "you're not going to make me wait a whole week before I come back, are you?" and he chuckled and said he could never do that to me. So, I'm going back tomorrow (Monday). He feels that just a couple days of growth could really make imaging much better. So, we'll see what happens tomorrow!

But, the great news is that my beta continues to rise appropriately! We were looking for a beta on Friday of 1500 and it was 1987. So, according to the numbers, all still looks good!

Hopefully the ultrasound tomorrow will match that great news! I'm honestly feeling OK about it. I wish we had a clear image, like we did when I was pregnant from IVF #4 (because that one implanted in a part of my uterus not impacted by the shadows). But, the fact that he thinks he saw what should be there in the very grainy views we get because of the shadows and my rising numbers were enough to give me some peace of mind.....until tomorrow!

Pregnant still she is

2009-04-15T11:31:00.002-04:00

Not sure why I wrote that title in Yoda-talk, but, that's the way my hands typed it.....

But, yes, as proclaimed in good Yoda fashion, my 3rd beta was good! Based on doubling, we were looking for it to be at least 348 and it was 579! Yahoo!

The only unexpected thing is that they found that my thyroid level was slightly elevated. As of my last full blood panel, it was fine, but, I did some research last night and found that they can start to elevate as early as 4 weeks pregnant. Elevated thyroid numbers are linked to an increased risk of miscarriage. Now, before anyone worries about me, my level is only very slightly elevated. The general consensus is that anything under 3.0 is OK for pregnant women. My clinic is slightly more conservative, using 2.5 as their marker. Mine was a whopping 3.1. But, I'm so glad I go to a clinic that is diligent!! So, I started on a very low dose of Synthroid today and, hopefully, that should do the trick.

Next stop - ultrasound on Friday!!

I feel so blessed right now

2009-04-10T16:34:00.002-04:00

I am truly overwhelmed by the incredible levels of support and encouragement from people who read this blog, from people on the nest, from my wonderful friends, from my family, from my husband (who, when he says anything to the baby, I feel a tingle go through my body) and, well, from everyone who knows our story! The comments on here and the emails I have received over the last couple of days have been nothing short of amazing!! I cannot believe how many people are praying for us and waiting for the next set of results.

Which leads me to today's beta:

Beta #1 at 11dp3dt = 33 (Wednesday)
Beta #2 at 13dp3dt = 87 (Today)

Yea!! For those who don't know, they look for your beta to double every 48-72 hours, but, we really want them to double in 48 hours. Mine doubled in 34 hours! This is the first time my beta has ever actually done what it's supposed to do and doubled within the appropriate time frame!

Because the numbers are still on the low side, they're bringing me back on Tuesday for a 3rd beta. Fine with me!!

I still have some irrational fears of problems (well, with what we've been through, maybe they're not really so irrational), but, as of today, I am pregnant and everything is progressing as it should and, for that, I feel so incredibly blessed!

You can be "just a little pregnant", despite what they say

2009-04-08T16:09:00.002-04:00

Sorry I'm posting so late, but, I needed to let some regular readers (Mom and Aunt Shelly) know first as I didn't want them to read this here!

I am pregnant!! But, well, I'm just a little pregnant. At 11dp3dt (11 days past a 3 day embryo transfer, for those of you who don't speak infertile) my clinic likes to see your beta above a 50.

My beta today is 33.

Honestly, this could go either way. We'll know more on Friday, when we see how much my beta has gone up (or, well, gone down....).

I had a really tough weekend. I am a serial POASer (pee on a stick-er, again for the non-infertile speakers) and they were negative all weekend. That, coupled with the lack of any physical symptoms and I was pretty convinced that this didn't work. Until yesterday.

I FINALLY tested positive yesterday! And, based on that, based on when I got a positive digital test and knowing the level of hormone necessary for a digital to register positive, I expected a beta today between 25 and 35, so, the fact that it's at the top of that range, honestly, I'm feeling OK!

Today is a very special day for the Jewish faith. Not only is the celebration of Passover beginning tonight, but, today is Birkat Hachama, or, The Blessing of the Sun. It only happens once every 28 years and recognizes our belief that, today, the sun is at the same point as it was when G-d created the world. This feels very symbolic to me. If G-d give us this child, he will be creating a whole new world for us - a world we've waited a long time to be part of (ok, not 28 years, but, it feels like it sometimes!). And, for someone who was dreading the seder tonight, expecting a negative pregnancy test, this is something I can wrap my hope and my faith around!

So, for now, we'll revel in the fact that, as we sit with our family at our seder table tonight and tomorrow night, we'll do so knowing that there is life growing inside of me!!

I'll let you know what Friday's repeat beta shows...

Homonymic Phrase, i.e., will it ever mean anything different to me?!

2009-04-02T09:16:00.005-04:00

hom-o-nym - a word the same as another in sound and spelling but different in meaning

It's funny how a word or phrase can mean something completely different, depending on your experiences.

If you don't know a lot of pregnant women, you might not realize that some women like to take frequent pictures, weekly, monthly, etc... of their full profile, to chronicle their pregnancy. And, as you may remember, many like to share those pictures!

So, I was reading a post this morning on a message board, written by someone who is pregnant with #2. She was saying that she can't believe how different this pregnancy is from her first and that, in this one, she's only done two belly shots, when she'd done so many more in her first pregnancy.

I swear, as I read that, I thought, "hmmm, I thought she had fairly easy pregnancies. I didn't know she had to take shots for anything." It probably took me a good 20 seconds before I realized she was referring to pictures of her growing tummy!

Sadly, the term "belly shots" has such a different meaning to me....

Reattaching

2009-03-28T22:17:00.002-04:00

This has been a very strange cycle for me. When we finally made the decision to move forward with a donor cycle, I felt relieved and excited and so very ready for it. Then, I noticed something different happening. I have experienced things I've never felt in any other cycle. There are many words that come to mind, but, the best way to describe what I've felt is detached.

It started when we got our donor profile. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I had an unusual reaction to it. Detached. That's what I felt. I read the profile, out loud to Glenn, and, after finishing it, put it back in the envelope and said, "yes, she's good to be our donor" and that was it. I didn't obsess over every question and answer. I didn't try to analyze her handwriting for hidden messages. I didn't read it over and over and over until I'd memorized every written word.

I'll pause here while the people who know me in real life scoop their jaws up off the floor at my non-obsessiveness.

I can't explain it. I'd built up the moment I'd first see my donor profile so much in my mind. I thought I would read it and start crying and nodding my head and just "know" that she was the one. In reality, she was fine and I was OK with her. I think, at that moment, it went from the donation of genetic material, which is what I'd struggled with so greatly up to that point, to the donation of biological material, as so many people told me it was, and, for that, I felt so much less obsessed.

Then, the actual cycle began. And, again, I found myself feeling detached. Now, in all fairness, between the move and work and Glenn's little hospital adventure I was so overwhelmingly overwhelmed that perhaps I didn't have time to obsess. In reality, I think it was a combination of that and these pervasive feelings of detachment. Found out the donor was triggering on Monday. OK. That's great. Still not obsessing. Detached. Retrieval was Wednesday. Our clinic allows you to give a gift and note to the donor, if you like. I knew what I would be giving and went out and got it and a card. That night, I worked until 2:00 in the morning, so, I was pretty punch drunk by the time I actually wrote the note. I wrote from the heart, thanking her for this amazing thing she was doing for us, but, still, found myself detached from it.

Thursday. We got the call that we had 9 embryos. Now, in past cycles, I would think about those babies - my babies - continuously. Here, I didn't find that happening. Detached. It may sound cruel or sad when I say this, but, I felt like those babies weren't mine. They were Glenn's, but, they weren't mine. Now, I have to say that I wasn't sad or regretful about this. It was just a fact. I assuaged myself by thinking that, of course, when something was transferred into me, I would feel differently, but, at this point, I'd really had no part in making these babies. Detached. I hoped that, at that time, however, I would reattach and get excited about this cycle.
----------------------------------------
This is the post I'd planned to write today. Until I got the call this morning that they wanted me in for a day 3 transfer. I was truly disappointed. We had 9 growing embryos two days ago. Almost everyone I know who had done a donor egg cycle was pushed to a day 5 transfer. Hearing they wanted to transfer today was a message to me that things weren't going well. I wanted to withhold my growing doubt until we knew more, but, honestly, I cried most of the way to the clinic.

It seemed like an interminably long time before the doctor came in to tell us our status. All I can say is, boy, was I wrong! Of our 9 embryos, we still have 8 of them!! 4-5 were looking really good and 3, while lagging behind, are still alive. Given my history, they decided to be more aggressive and bring me in for a day 3 and also to transfer 3 into me (which they only do 5% of the time when using donor eggs). He said all 3 look really great, with one, in particular, looking wonderful. All have less than 5% fragmentation (I'd always had 20-25%). He put our odds at 60% (I've never heard them give better odds, so, I think that's their max), 30% for twins, and 5% for trips.

Most importantly, I am so happy to be able to say that I am completely and utterly reattached! The moment, and I mean, the exact moment that I saw the printout with these three magnificent embryos, they were mine. And, so are their sisters and brothers still sitting in the lab!

So, I have 3 babies in me now and they're watching the other 5 for potential freezing!! And, I feel so much better than I felt this morning!!

Attachment is a wonderful thing!!

Numbers

2009-03-26T16:41:00.003-04:00

23 = number of eggs retrieved
17 = number mature enough to ICSI
9 = number of embryos that hold my heart and my hope

I have to say, I'm a little disappointed that 17 mature eggs only produced 9 embryos, but, I'm hopeful enough to look at it as more than double the number we've ever had from my eggs.

So, I'm praying they are good and strong and will wait with bated breath for the call on Saturday telling us whether we're having a day 3 transfer or pushing to day 5...

Updates

2009-03-24T11:28:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry, dear friends, that I haven't been around. Everything is soooo crazy! I want to give updates on what's going on and apologize for the brain dump you're about to read. I swear, when things calm down, hopefully towards the end of this week, I'll be back!

In no particular order:

We officially moved out of the townhouse on Friday! Last week was a whirlwind that ended with me finishing the packing around 2:00 am Friday morning. But, it's done, everything it with the movers, and I've officially left the first house I owned! After living there for 7.5 years, 3.5 with Glenn, and having it on the market for 16 months, I left feeling both wistful and excited all rolled into one! Now, several days later, I'm just excited!
We are now living in the basement of my parent's house. They did a really nice job setting things up for us and, so far, my mother has fed us more yummy meals than I think I cooked in the last month!
Things are moving forward with the new house - anticipated closing date is May 1st!
Work has been INSANE! I don't know why it chose now, with everything else going on in our lives, to be like this, but, well, it's been a madhouse. Oy!
Probably the one you've all been waiting for - our donor triggered last night and will be having egg retrieval tomorrow, Wednesday!! I feel like I haven't updated you guys at all this whole cycle, but, really, between work and moving, it's all just been a whirlwind. And, I found that, with it not being me stimming, I was kind of detached from it. I would go in for my uterine lining checks and get an update on how she was doing, but, my level of obsession has been significantly lower than in past cycles, when I was stimming myself. Again, it may be, in part, due to how busy I've been, but, it's interesting, nonetheless.

So, that's the update from here. Back to work....

Hit the jackpot this morning

2009-03-16T13:30:00.004-04:00

I had to go to the RE this morning to feed the vampires and for a date with the ultrasound wand (we're GOOD friends, if you know what I mean, wink wink). It was exceptionally crowded this morning. One of my problems is that I'm not good, in a large crowd like that, of just putting my head down and reading. I'm way too busy looking around (you know, that way we have of looking without really looking like we're looking) and paying attention to what's going on around me. I also found myself having an emotional morning, which is due, in part, to sheer exhaustion, and, in part to the following.

Lisa's List of RE Office Emotional Triggers

Adorable child in the waiting room - the main office of my clinic has a "please do not bring children into the waiting room" sign, but the satellite offices, one of which I frequent, do not. It doesn't matter as it doesn't really stop people in any of the offices. Now, I'm not one of those people that gets angry about it. I totally understand that sometimes you just might not have any other option. My problem is with the people who bring their kids in and proceed to make it like a Mommy and Me class - clapping, singing, hugging and kissing, etc... Seriously, if you have to bring your children, cheerios and a picture book should be whipped out of your Petunia Picklebottom diaper bag faster than your nice little date with the ultrasound machine turns into a "friends with benefits" situation! The only blessing to crying at the mere sight of those adorable urchins playing is that the tears blur the image.

Ultrasound pictures - In the world of babymaking, they can cause such joy when in your hands, but, in the hands of others, can result in feelings of sadness, jealousy, anger, frustration...you get my drift. On any given morning at the RE's, you may see several couples, smiles from ear to ear, clutching the ultrasound pictures that give them tangible evidence that whatever procedure they endured has paid off and there is a baby growing inside of one of them. Cut to me, where the tangible evidence of my repeated failed procedures is the tears that begin to roll down my face as I watch them in basking in their joy. For added sobs, give the ultrasound pics to the male partner and have him gaze at them in awe and wonderment while the female partner is checking out.

Fetal heartbeat whooshing sounds - You would think that either the walls between examination rooms would be thicker or the doctors doing ultrasounds would have learned to lower the volume by now, but, that little sound (OK, it's a very big and powerful sound) has the ability to send me into spasms of sadness. Honestly, I don't think I even need to say more....this one is pretty self explanatory.

The more early mornings you spend at the RE's office, the more incidents of each of these you'll experience. Each is bad enough on its own, but, today, I was blessed with all three. A trifecta, of sorts.

We're going for a record!

2009-03-11T10:59:00.002-04:00

As I've blogged about before, in the 3.5 years we've been married, we've dealt with a lot of medical issues with us and with our immediate families. In fact, in under 3 years, we've either been in ourselves or visited immediate family members in 12 different area hospitals. 12!

Well, make that 13.... Glenn was rushed to the hospital yesterday after a suspected allergic reaction to his chinese food lunch. I'll spare you all the details, but, in short, the inside of his cheek started to swell and then burst...OK, enough said.

Anyway, they don't believe it was an allergic reaction. They think it was either a small ulcer or blood blister that got aggravated and filled up quickly with blood because he's on blood thinners. He still has a huge growth on the inside of his cheek and is seeing an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor today to decide what needs to be done about it.

So, all, hopefully, is OK, but, after all we've been through, well, you can only imagine what I felt when I got that call from Glenn's office telling me he'd been taken to the hospital.....

Glenn joked yesterday that, if Guinness has a record for visiting different hospitals, we could be in the running!

Is "IN" out?

2009-03-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

Between negotiating the purchase of our new house, packing to leave our old house, the beginning of my donor egg cycle, and work life has just consumed me and my blogging has suffered. I promise, I'll try to be better!!

Yes, I have officially started our donor egg cycle!! I started on birth control a couple of weeks ago (used to suppress your ovaries so you start fresh and, in the case of a donor cycle, used to sync the donor and recipient's cycles) and started my lupron last night. Our donor will begin stimming on 3/16 and her tentative retrieval is between 3/25-28!

All of my drugs for all of my cycles have been obtained through a speciality infertility pharmacy. For those of you who don't know, you generally don't walk into your local Walgreens to get these specialized drugs. Local pharmacies don't stock them as the volume and, in some cases, short shelf life, doesn't justify having them.

But, birth control pills, those are available at your local pharmacy. So, a couple of weeks ago, Clinic A called the prescription in to my pharmacy, and I went to pick them up.

Many people take BCP before an IVF cycle but, other than this time, I only did for my first IVF a million years ago. So, when I walked into the pharmacy, the pharmacist/customer service person inquired as to why I took BCP for one month in 2006 and had a short-life prescription again now. I explained that I take it as part of my infertility treatment plan. She cocked her head to one side, looked at me thoughtfully, and said "I prefer the term 'fertility problems'. It just sounds....I don't know....like less of a disease than 'infertility' sounds".

After quickly convincing myself that jumping over the counter and stuffing pill bottles down her throat wouldn't be the best way to handle this situation, I calmly explained that I AM infertile and, yes, the word is appropriate because infertility is a disease. Now give me my damn birth control pills!

But, it got me thinking. In some ways, the words fertility and infertility are almost synonymous. We use them interchangeably. We call ourselves INfertile, but, we go to Fertility clinics. We google INfertility, but come up with articles and books on increasing and improving our Fertility. We don't take INfertility drugs. We take Fertility drugs. Why? Fertile people don't take them - only we INfertiles.

If INfertility is the inability to have a baby, and, through treatments at the Fertility clinic we successfully have a child, are we no longer INfertile? Since I still hope to have a baby, albeit through the use of donor eggs, is it more appropriate to say I have Fertility problems? Would INfertility only be appropriate after all baby-making attempts have failed?

I'm sure you all know that my answer to these questions is HELL NO! I think a better definition of INfertility is that it is a category of diseases that prevent the sufferer from conceiving or, in some cases, carrying a pregnancy to term, without medical assistance. But, it is, most assuredly, a disease, and a horrible one that doesn't get the attention it deserves, unless it's negative attention.

I don't know why the terms INfertility and Fertility are sometimes used interchangeably, but, it doesn't really matter. We know what we're talking about. My answer to that pharmacist should have been "I am INfertile! I don't have Fertility problems. I have no problems at all with fertility! Apparently, though, it has a problem with me!!"

But, all I was thinking at that moment was that I had to go home and take my birth control pill. Gotta prevent those unwanted pregnancies, you know.....now, THAT would be a Fertility problem!

Just the facts, ma'am!

2009-02-24T21:17:00.002-05:00

I know, I still haven't told you about my reaction to the donor profile. But, things have been so crazy and a lot has happened, so, a quick update and then I'll post again as soon as I get a chance.

First, the great news! We lost that first house we put a bid on....but.....drumroll please.....we found another one that just came on the market on Friday, saw it on Sunday, put an offer in Sunday night, and the owner accepted on Monday. We got a house!! Hopefully all will go smoothly and we'll be in on May 1!! Yes, we have to be out of this house on 3/23. My mother is giddy (almost a little too giddy, lol!) at the thought of her little girl moving back home for 5 weeks, especially with the possibility of her (me, the daughter - not my mother!) being pregnant!!

We got our calendar and will be doing our donor egg cycle, most likely, in March! I say most likely because, when I got the calendar, I asked them to push it back 2 weeks, into early April, in case we were moving right from this house into another house as it all would have been the same week as retrieval and transfer. Now that we're not moving in anywhere yet, I've asked them to reinstate the original calendar.

Now, for the crummy news. Remember I told you that we were under the impression that we had 2 IVF's left on our insurance, but, my policy does not cover a DE cycle, but, that was OK because we still had one left on Glenn's insurance? Well, they denied us today, too. Apparently, although I had confirmed with them no fewer than 3 times, they are counting my first IVF towards their limit, even though it was done under a totally different insurance carrier. We have the agent fighting it and we WILL appeal this (clearly, 3 people gave me WRONG information over the last several years), but, we're not going to let this hold us up, so, we're going to be paying for a DE cycle, which is significantly more than a regular IVF. I know how many people have no coverage and I am eternally grateful that we have had any coverage, but, we made decisions based on information I'd been given and now the rules are being changed in the middle of the game and that just ticks me the hell off.

But, I'm not letting that bring me down off the new house high! Now I just have to get serious about packing!!

Merrily we roll along

2009-02-16T12:10:00.002-05:00

First of all, thanks for reading and commenting on the two Come one, come all posts! It was nice to be able to help others say some of the things they needed to say. So, I've added a link over to the right...see it...see it over there....so, anytime someone wants to post something, feel free to email me!

But, I let last week go by without telling you all what's happening with us. We were matched with a potential donor! While I expected it to happen quickly, it was still a huge surprise to get that phone call. We received the 20-something page profile and I had a very unexpected reaction, which I'll blog about in my next post.

The exciting news is that we accepted her and now move into the "countdown to cycling" phase! We have an appointment tomorrow with the genetics counselor. I'm not really sure what the purpose of this appointment is. It wasn't a requirement when we were cycling on our own and our donor and her family have no major health issues (at least none that are known at this point), but, I'm interested to hear what the counselor has to say tomorrow.

Also, I was excited to find out that Dr. Hope will still be my doctor! I thought that, when you moved over to the donor program, you changed to the DE doctor, but, she is the donor's doctor and I stay with my original doctor. So, we have an appointment with Dr. Hope a week from Wednesday, where we will review the timeline. I really hope we can start the process of syncing up my cycle and the donor's cycle immediately (it will depend on where both the donor and I are in our current cycles).

We got one piece of crummy news last week. Let me preface this by saying that I know that we are incredibly blessed to live in a state that has mandated IF coverage. While all of these cycles have cost us plenty, we could NEVER have been able to try as many times as we did if we had no coverage. That said, we have 1 retrieval left on Glenn's insurance. At the end of last year, we decided that I would take primary coverage out from my employer because it would give us an additional retrieval. I even called the company to confirm this. Well, as it turns out, yes, it would cover IVF, but not donor IVF. NJ does mandate this coverage and, even though I live in and work in NJ, our insurance is written out of PA, who does not mandate this coverage. The most frustrating to me is that they WOULD cover an IVF attempt with my eggs, even though 3 doctors agree that the chances of conceiving with my eggs are next to nothing, but WON'T cover the use of a 23 year old donor's eggs. SUCKS! The good news is that I have secondary coverage under Glenn's insurance, so, we should get covered, but, I went from having 2 more chances to only one. And now I'm stuck paying for insurance that isn't giving me the coverage we expected to be getting!

Oh well, the important thing is that we are about to embark on a cycle that has a 65-80% chance of working and I'm not going to let a stupid insurance situation ruin that for me!

COCA #2

2009-02-12T14:32:00.002-05:00

In the next installment of Come One, Come All we have the following email I received from a woman who also wishes to remain anonymous, but, wanted to share her story and offer a word of advice to other women with frozen embryos or who may have frozen embryos in the future.

"Mine is a cautionary tale. I don't want any other women to go through what I am. I am writing this anonymously because I don't want my ex-fiancé to know what I have discovered. I have frozen embryos from my late 30's stored in a California lab. When our embryos were created we both signed an agreement at our doctors office clearly stating "In the event of Divorce, Dissolution, or Legal Separation" we both wished that the remaining frozen embryos be released to me. After my ex broke up with me (citing the stress of infertility), he changed his mind, now he wanted them destroyed. I was told through an attorney that he would fight me legally to the bitter end to stop me from gaining custody. The lab will not release them to me without a new signed agreement from him. They refused to honor the doctor's form. Furthermore, in my case, we weren't married and the lawyers said the form we signed was meant for a married couple and that technicality would hurt an already very difficult case.

Lawyers have told me that the legal precedence is overwhelmingly against me gaining custody. You can check out this link and see for yourself embryo custody cases http://www.law.duke.edu/shell/cite.pl?12+Duke+J.+Comp.+&+Int'l+L.+75#H2N2. The courts have ruled that a person should not be forced to become a parent against their will. I thought when my ex handed over his specimen he was giving as much consent as most men make in 'fertile' situations. But be aware, infertile women do not have the right to choose at conception like their fertile sisters do. Legally we are discriminated against.

The chances are extremely slim now that I am in my forties that I will have a biological child. Those embryos that I have visualized as my children, that I dreamed of and prayed for will most likely never have a chance at life and this is important - I had an agreement. Had I known that this agreement would not be honored I might have tried to use the embryos right away instead of "banking" them. To know they are there and I am being prevented from using them is torture. You may wonder why I would still want to have a child with a man that hurt me. My response is, just like a divorced woman, those embryos are still MY babies. I love them fiercely and unconditionally - no matter who their father is and what he has done to me.

How can you prevent this situation from happening to you? First, be aware of this situation as you plan your infertility treatments. Second, my advice, is if you can, get a separate agreement drawn up by a lawyer you consult with and make it as ironclad as possible. Unfortunately the legal precedence is still against you, but you will have a better chance. Third, ask whoever is or will be storing your embryos what they will need legally to release the embryos to you."

COCA #1

2009-02-11T10:19:00.002-05:00

In response to my Come One, Come All offer, I received the following email. The author asked not to be identified. I hope seeing her note posted will help!

"I found your blog from reading my daughter's blog. Like you, she's struggling with infertility. She's had 6 inseminations and is now trying IVF for the second time. The first time didn't work.

Her struggle breaks my heart. Her two sisters both have children and this has been very hard for her. She feels, in her words "broken" and nothing I say seems to help. I understand from reading different blogs (I really try to understand) that there may be nothing I can say to help, but, I'm a mom and it's hard to watch your child go through such a struggle.

I've tried to tell her that it pains me to see her in such pain, but, she gets defensive and spits back that this is her pain, not mine and that I can't understand because I got pregnant easily. She's right, I don't understand it completely, but I still hurt tremendously for her. My hope is that she reads this through eyes other than a daughter and can understand that her mother isn't trying to take away from her pain, but that I hurt along with her and for her. As long as she feels this pain I will feel it with her."

One year ago

2009-02-08T13:40:00.002-05:00

One year ago. It was one year ago, around 11:30 pm or so, that Glenn woke me up saying he was having trouble breathing. He was cold and clammy and sweating and couldn't calm down. I just knew that he was having a heart attack, despite the fact that he felt no chest pain.

In all fairness, I had warning signs. I had been out of town on business that week. Glenn told me that he was having some pain in his arm when he was active, but, he thought it was muscular. I finally convinced him to call his doctor (I think the name Dr. Clueless fits best), who, stupidly, we trusted. Dr. Clueless told him to "keep an eye on it".

And, this is where my guilt starts. I don't think I could have done anything different, but, the reality is that I was working extremely long hours on this business trip and caught up in my own thing. Glenn couldn't tell me specifically what the pain was and so I just let him deal with it.

I got home late Thursday night and had to drive back to Pennsylvania Friday morning to deliver something to a VP. I was utterly exhausted, but rushed back home because Dr. Clueless was going to see Glenn at 1:30. He did an EKG and said everything was fine. Glenn kept saying that the arm pain got bad when he was active. He even got up and did a little dance to try to show him. What did Dr. Clueless do? He sent us to the hospital for a shoulder x-ray, saying that he thought it was muscular but wanted to rule out a bone issue.

Obviously, the problem was not with his shoulder. We got home from the hospital around 6:00 and, a mere five hours later, my husband suffered a heart attack while sitting on the couch watching TV. We spent the next 3 days in the ICU. In fact, I was sitting in the waiting room of the ICU when I got the call that IVF #5 was negative.

It was about a month after all of this that I started this blog, so, you all know the rest - the follow-up angioplasties, the 6th and 7th IVF's.....

2008 was a pretty rotten year for us. So far, though, 2009 is looking much brighter. But, even if everything doesn't go our way, I still have the love of my life by my side and, at least today, on the anniversary of his heart attack, that is more than I could ever ask for!

Come one, come all

2009-02-06T12:34:00.003-05:00

I love writing this blog and I love that people actually care about my life and want to read it! But, as we (the blogging community as a whole) become more open with access to our blogs and our lives, I realize that, occasionally, some of us may feel constrained as to what we can write because of certain people we've let into our lives.

Did you ever really want to blog about something but you don't want someone you know reads your blog to see it?

Your mother (don't get paranoid, Mom!)
Your boss
Your old high school friend

But, as most bloggers will agree , there's a level of therapy that comes from putting fingers to keyboard and getting things out and not being able to do that is rough.

So, I'm opening my blog up next week to anyone who really wants to write and publish something, but, doesn't want to do it in their own blog. It could be a complaint. It could be something you don't want certain eyes to see - negative or positive. Perhaps you are planning a party for someone and want to ask a question, but, don't want that person to see it.

Send me an email with what you want posted and whether or not you want it to be anonymous and I'll post it for you!

If nobody sends me anything, great - it means we're all comfortable to post anything we want, but, somehow, I suspect many feel that constraint occasionally!

I just gotta say it

2009-02-06T11:57:00.002-05:00

WHITTIER, Calif. — The mother of newborn octuplets says she had six embryos implanted in her fertility procedure — far more than industry guidelines recommend under ordinary circumstances — and was well aware that multiple births could result.

NOBODY can implant embryos for you!! They can transfer them INTO your uterus, but, there is absolutely nothing they can do to ensure they IMPLANT into the lining of your uterus! If they could, I'd possibly have anywhere between 1 and 9 children now!

'nuff said.

Celebrating

2009-01-28T21:39:00.002-05:00

Back in September, I wrote a post wondering if it was possible to be happy and sad at the same time. I concluded that, yes, it is absolutely possible. Although the circumstances are different this time, interestingly, I'm feeling the same sort of mixed emotions.

Before going any further, I'm proud to announce that this is my 100th blog post! I'm not sure why 100 is a benchmark for celebration in the world of blogging, but, I am more than pleased to join in the revelry!

I started this blog for two reasons. The first was that I kept sending the same email to different people, letting them know the status, and, ultimately, the outcome of whatever cycle we were currently in and, well, I was tired of copying and pasting the same message over and over. So, not knowing if anyone would actually read, and not knowing there was a whole community of IF bloggers out here who would end up providing a level of support for which I'm eternally grateful, I started chronicling things here. The second reason, as described in the header above, was my hope that, by working through what I was going through in writing, I might find some order or reason or clarity in what we were going through and decisions we had to make.

So, it almost seems meant to be that today, with a major decision being reached, coincides with my 100th post.

We had our call today with Clinic D. I've been saying for weeks that I really didn't expect any miracles from this call, but, preparing for it and actually hearing it are two different things. Dr. Brilliant (that names seems almost comical, considering he had no words of wisdom for us, but, I know how much he has helped others so he has definitely earned the title!) said that we should be going with donor eggs at this point. He said that we have tried every protocol and technique that is out there for poor responders and, clearly, none of them have worked. He feels that it's always been related to egg quality, based on the fact that I didn't have any more success 2.5 years ago than I had 3 months ago. He felt that, even if I got pregnant again with my eggs, the chance of miscarriage is so high and, in his words, that's even harder than not getting pregnant in the first place (as many of us know). On the other hand, he puts my chances of conceiving and carrying to term with donor eggs at around 80% (we've now been told anywhere from 65-80%).

So, here's the contradiction in feelings. As you would imagine, I am devastated. When I think about the fact that, unless something very unexpected happens, I will not continue my family's genetic lines, I feel what can only be described as true heart ache. But, on the flip side, I have to admit that, mixed in with that grief is a great deal of relief. I now feel like I can move on with donor eggs knowing that I have done absolutely everything I could do. I actually called already today and reactivated us to the donor egg waitlist at Clinic A and, surprisingly, it feels like a very heavy weight has been lifted - the weight of indecision and unrequited hope.

With every unsuccessful cycle, I have felt, not like the cycle failed, but, like I failed. But, can you really say you've failed if you have done absolutely everything in your power but, due to circumstances beyond your control, you didn't achieve success? No, I don't think so, and, there's something to be said for, after 3.5 years TTC and 7 IVF attempts, finally not feeling like a failure.

And, tonight, this I am celebrating.

Erev Hope

2009-01-27T23:09:00.003-05:00

In Judaism, Erev means "evening" and refers to the evening of a holiday (technically, it's the evening the holiday begins, since Jewish holidays begin at sundown).

Tomorrow is a day of hope, so, tonight is Erev Hope.

First of all, tomorrow is our call with Dr. Brilliant at Clinic D (for those of you who have guessed what clinic this is, yes, you are right!). Being totally honest, I really don't have any expectations of this call. My problem isn't really anything fixable. There are only so many protocols that exist to try to stimulate the development of the limited number of eggs I have. Tomorrow is the day of hope because I truly hope that Dr. Brilliant surprises me and has something worth trying, but, I'm not expecting that. Ask me on Thursday and I may answer this different, but, for now, I feel ready for whatever he might say and I'm beginning to plan for what we'll do on the flip side of the call. But, we'll talk about that in a couple of days!

Tomorrow is also the day of hope because we found a house that we love and our offer is going in tomorrow! We'll see what happens, but, it took us so long to sell our townhouse and get to this point, so, I'm excited and, well, have hope!

So, stay tuned and I'll fill you in on how the call goes and WHEN (not IF - see, I'm being optimistic!) our offer is accepted!

Playing dress-up

2009-01-17T13:34:00.002-05:00

We had Glenn's family over for dinner last night to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday and to finish our Chanukah/Christmas celebration. It was a fun evening.

I love being around my nieces and nephews. Well, let me clarify that - I love my nieces and nephews, but, it's not always easy being around them. Spending time with my nieces is harder for me. The boys are 12 and 15 - 7 and 10 when I first met them. I love spending time with them and feel like I've been an influence on them, but, they were both a little older when I met them. That's not to say that there aren't times when I find myself sad being with them, but, it's not as baby oriented because they are older.

The girls, on the other hand, are 8 and almost 4. The older one was 3 when I first met her and the little one was born 3 months before our wedding. It's not that I don't love being with the girls, but, it is often quite difficult. It's even harder because, while the mother of the boys totally understands why it would be hard for me, but, mother of the girls doesn't get it at all. So, in front of her, I have to work harder to hide my sadness, which only makes it even more difficult. At one point last night, the 4 year old was sitting on Glenn's lap facing him and they were playing together and hugging. Nobody else in the room was paying attention to them, while I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It literally felt like someone put their hands around my heart and started squeezing. My sister-in-law would never understand that.

Anyway, my parents left and, a little while later, everyone else left, except my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and the girls. The 8 year old wanted to see my room, so we went upstairs, with the little one following. They started jumping on my bed. Let me tell you, the glee on the face of a 4 year old jumping on the bed may be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Then, the 8 year old went in my closet and saw my shoes and asked if she could try them on. Of course, her little sister joined her, and, next thing I knew, there were two little girls clomping around in my heels, and my sandals, and my boots, etc.... I grabbed some scarves and some purses and dressed them up further and they started dancing in front of the mirror and singing songs and my heart just melted.

When we came back down (with scarves and purses, but, sans shoes - little feet should not walk down the stairs in size 10's!) both my sister-in-law and her mother (who was up from Florida visiting) gave me the you-have-the-patience-of-someone-who-doesn't-have-children look and said something along the lines of "we don't let them do that" and "better at your house...".

I truly hope I NEVER feel that way.

On the horizon....

2009-01-12T10:39:00.002-05:00

You know when you're on a big flat piece of land or water and you can look out and see the horizon and it feels like the world will just go on forever? I sort of feel that way a little bit now.

Have I neglected to mention here that I scheduled our phone consultation with Dr. Brilliant at Clinic D? Before going on, let's recap for those who don't remember:

Clinic A - Dr. Hope
Clinic B - I never named the doctor there because I didn't end up cycling there as she validated everything Dr. Hope was doing, but, let's call her Dr. Encouragement
Clinic C - Dr. Expert
Clinic D - Dr. Brilliant

The call will be at the end of January, and, I'm really looking forward to it. I really have no idea what to expect. I have sent them, I swear, a 3 inch stack of paper that comprises my infertility medical records, plus I have records being sent from some extraneous doctors. I am not naive enough to believe that he is going to have the magic potion that will suddenly make me produce 10 healthy eggs, but, well, let's just wait and see.

However, I think I'm getting much closer to, if we do not cycle at Clinic D, being ready to go the donor egg route. And, I think that is giving me a little sense of peace.

I guess finally being close to selling my house has given me a renewed sense of optimism about good things happening for us.

I look out at our horizon and I feel hopeful!

Starting the year off right? Can it be??

2009-01-06T22:27:00.003-05:00

I'm so hesitant to put this in writing because I DO NOT want to jinx it, but, since I already posted it on Facebook, here goes....

I THINK WE SOLD THE HOUSE!!!

Well, we accepted an offer, which is the beginning of selling the house, right?!

My house has been on the market since September '07. We actually listed it right around the time we found out we were pregnant from IVF #4. The timing was coincidental, but, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have visions of moving and sitting in a nursery in the new house with our baby. Unfortunately, as we all know, the market tanked right around then. As did my pregnancy.

Between the house not selling and the hell of infertility, my life has been in limbo for way too long now. I so desperately need a change and I am hoping and praying that this sale will go through!

Only January 6th and good news already!!

My wishes for peace

2008-12-31T17:46:00.001-05:00

I swear, this post will end on a positive!

Before that, though, a little reflection. Glenn and I were reminiscing and trying to decide which was worse for us - 2007 or 2008:

2007
Uncle Allen passes away
Failed IVF #3
Uncle Teddy passes away
Miscarriage/D&C from IVF #4
Mimi Anna (my grandmother) passes away

2008
Glenn's heart attack
Failed IVF #5
My multiple health scares (rheumatologist, hematologist, cardiologist)
Glenn's 4 angioplasty's
Failed IVF #6
Failed IVF #7
Our house officially on the market for almost 16 months

In the end, we've decided that it was a tie. Both years sucked.

But, don't get me wrong, there have been good things. Although it ended poorly, for a few weeks in 2007 it was wonderful to know that I was actually pregnant. This year, my mother got a kidney and a new lease on life. In this terrible economy, Glenn and I have both remained employed.

Also in 2008, I started this blog, and that definitely goes on the plus list. It has been a wonderful source of support for me and has given me the opportunity to "meet" and become virtual friends with so many of you. I just asked Glenn a question about 2007 and he realized what I was probably writing about and had the nerve to tell me (and, believe me, I told him it was nervy) that I shouldn't write this post because he felt that people don't want to always hear about misery. After telling him that he doesn't have to read it if he doesn't like what I'm posting, I realized that he is absolutely right. We are all tired of reading about each other's misery. If it was in our control, we would change it, not only for ourselves, but for everyone we know. I would like nothing more than to open everyone's blog tomorrow and read that they have been matched with a birth mother, successfully achieved a pregnancy, have no worries about a pregnancy ending badly, have given birth and brought their beautiful, healthy child home, and have no family, financial, employment, or other health problems.

But, that's not the reality of many of our lives. So, with everything I have in me, I thank you all for the support, encouragement, advice, suggestions, hugs, and love you have given me. And, the only resolution I will make this year is to continue being here for all of you into 2009 and beyond.

I am glad that 2008 is drawing to a close. Seriously, 2008, and its recent neighbor, 2007, can go to hell. I have no expectations of 2009, but, if I can be so bold as to hope for something, I wish for there to be Peace in the world, Peace in all of our families, and Peace in each of our individual hearts and souls.

The youngest kid at the dinner table

2008-12-29T12:47:00.003-05:00

My baby brother turned 30 today. 3-0! Unbelievable!

I've written before that, while some people didn't know they wanted to be a parent until they were older, I've known since I was very young. See, I was almost 10 when he was born. And, those who knew me back then will attest to the fact that I was a very mature kid (both physically and emotionally), very close with my baby brother, and very much like a little mother to him. I have felt that maternal, nurturing instinct since then which, for me, makes my struggle with infertility even more difficult.

And, yes, if you've done the math, you've already figured out that his 30th birthday begins my countdown to 40. Numbers have never meant much to me, but, approaching 40 without being any closer to being a mother is a tough pill to swallow. I guess we'll see what happens in the next 5 months....

Back to my brother. In his teens and 20's, to my great distress, we didn't have a great relationship, for various reasons that he has finally grown out of over the last few years. He is now so much closer with Glenn and I, something I am extremely grateful for.

Now that he is 30, I think he is more than ready to not be the baby in the family. Happy Birthday Michael, and, I'm sorry, but despite how hard I've tried, I've yet to relieve you of that title.

The G-ds are just taunting me now!

2008-12-22T09:24:00.002-05:00

I forgot to write about something that happened a few weeks ago. For those of you who know this story already, sorry!

I received an email a few weeks ago that said,

"Hi Everyone, Here are some pictures of Baby Lastname from Thanksgiving week (I was 16 1/2 weeks when they were taken).....now I'm almost 18!! Almost halfway there, and loving being pregnant!!.....We can't wait to meet our little one! Love, Amy"

This email was accompanied by 8, yes 8 pictures of Amy, at different angles, showing her growing belly.

Annoying, right? Well, here's the kicker - I have no bloody idea who this person is! I wracked my brain trying to figure out who she is and how I know her and, nothing, nada, zip - I have no friggin' clue who she is.

Not willing to let it rest, I emailed her back and asked who she was and she responded that, oops, she didn't know me either but I must have been added to her address book from a forward and she just quickly picked names to send this to!

You quickly picked names to send pregnant pictures of yourself??? OK, chickie, you should know who you're sending your stupid emails to!

Pregnant pictures from someone I don't even know. Lovely.

I truly wish Amy, her husband, and her unborn child all the best. I just hope I don't have to see anymore pictures of them!

Bad girl!

2008-12-11T12:48:00.004-05:00

I am slapping my own wrists, spanking my own tushie (OK, maybe I'll let Glenn do that one!), and sending myself to bed without supper. I've been a really bad girl!

What, you may be wondering, could I have done that is so bad that I'm willing to forego the yummy homemade pizza I'm planning to make tonight??

Ok, here goes. I've become a really bad communicator. There, I said it. It's out there now and I can't take it back!

I don't know why. Everytime I get an email that I want to respond to, I Star it, with intentions of coming back and responding. These include messages from friends, notifications of absolutely amazing comments from some of you on earlier blog posts, or messages on Facebook. If you could only see how any starred messages I have in my inbox you'd laugh! Add to that the 50 some-odd blog posts that were unread in my Google Reader until this morning and the fact that I haven't even posted on my own blog in a week and a half and you may see where this confession is heading.

I'm sorry for all of the un-responded to posts and messages! I read everything. I cry with you all and rejoice with you all. I continue to be marveled by the support and encouragement I receive here, on the nest, on facebook, and in person.

Thank you for the amazing comments about my family history. Thank you for the words of understanding about why the egg decision is so difficult for me. Thank you for the encouragement that the best parts of what makes a family a family will be passed on, regardless of whether or not donor eggs are used. Thank you for the image that has formed in my head from the words "branches can be also strengthened and continue to grow with a graft" (Selmada - I think about what you wrote every single day!).

Oh, and to a certain family member who reads this blog (and, hopefully knows I'm talking to her), thank you for always wanting to know what's going on with my treatments and understanding why the genetics thing is so overwhelmingly difficult. Not everyone understands that like you do.

Mostly, thank you all for being a part of my world and letting me share a part of yours.

Phew, now that I've duly punished myself and, hopefully, made retribution, I feel absolved of my sins and ready to move forward and be a good communicator once again! Hmm, while not a part of Judaism, this confession thing feels pretty darn good!!

Now, can I have the pizza tonight?? ;-)

Why does genetics matter to me?

2008-12-02T15:54:00.008-05:00

Everyone who has used or considered using donor eggs (or donor sperm) has thought about their answer to this question. I figured I'd share my reasoning, since I've been very vocal about the fact that I'm really struggling with admitting that donor egg is our best option and, as a result, giving up my genetic connection to my child.

My father is a Holocaust survivor. He was born in 1940. When my grandmother was 8 months pregnant, the Nazi's stormed their city in Poland, so my grandparents and uncle fled. Thankfully, they fled east, to Russia, and ended up in a border dispute town in the Ukraine, where my father was born. When they were captured, rather than being sent to a concentration camp, they were sent to a work camp in Siberia, where they persevered and lived out the years of the war. They then traveled to Germany, where they spent 3 years in a Displaced Persons camp before coming to the states in 1949.

Three of my four grandparents came to the U.S.A., from Poland. They were the lucky ones. Many, many members of our family did not survive the war. This is on both my mother and my father's sides. I have an image in my head of a tree, a family tree. And, next to the tree, is a pile of broken-off branches. That's what Hitler did to my family - broke off huge branches of the family tree which can never be reattached.

This family history has always been important to me. I have always been fascinated by the survivors who made it to this country and how their branches have grown and thickened, as children grow up, get married, and have babies. And, the fact that it is and always has been important to me makes it all the more painful that I'm losing this battle to infertility.

Those branches on which I sit in my family tree are in jeopardy of not thickening. It is almost a given that neither of my siblings will ever have children. I only have 2 first cousins and, although married longer than me, neither (1 five years older, 1 two years younger) appear to be moving towards building their families, nor do either feel this strongly about the family roots thing as I do. The continuation of at least 3 of my grandparents branches rests on me. My grandparents siblings branches have all grown, while theirs remain stagnant. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that NOBODY has put this pressure on me. It just is what it is and it's important to me.

I have such pride in my family, in who I am, in where I come from. It's not just my mother's curly hair (which I got from her), my fathers ability to wiggle his ears (yep, I got that one, too), or my dimples that I hope to pass on. It's that strength and determination of my European Jewish ancestors that I want to be born into my child.

This is what makes the decision about whether or not to give up on my eggs so very difficult.

Baby Jack's Toy Drive

2008-11-29T17:02:00.002-05:00

Many of you in the infertility blogosphere already know the story of Baby Jack, his parents Megan and PJ, and his beautiful sisters Charlotte and Katie. Megan writes, and, may I add, with wit, humor, intelligence, and poignancy, about her triplet pregnancy, the babies birth, the pain of losing Jack, and the thriving of her beautiful daughters over at Multiple Baby Pileup.

Jack lived for far too short a time but, in that time, that little boy touched more people's lives than anyone could ever imagine. And, his spirit lives on. In memory of him, his parents created the Jackson Malia Fund for Children with Special Needs.

I am honored to know this family personally. Megan and I sat in the RE waiting room together while she made Katie, Charlotte, and Jack and she has continued as a source of strength and support for me as I continue my struggle with infertility. I am pleased to call her my friend. I have held the girls and played with them and looked into their beautiful blue eyes. I know how important giving back in Jack's memory is to her. We'd all prefer for her to have him in her arms, but, what she and PJ and their families have done and continue to do in his memory is overwhelming.

A toy drive has been organized, in Jack's memory, with all of the toys being donated to the Children's Hospital of New Jersey. And, the way it's being done is absolutely brilliant! An Amazon Wishlist has been created with all sorts of items and all price levels. As Megan tells, one of her happiest memories with Jack was knowing that, thanks to the kindness of strangers, Santa visited Jack and left presents that she could open with him.

At this time of year, many people are looking for an opportunity to give back, to show their gratitude for all they have been given. I put this out as an option. A wonderful, beautiful, heartwarming option in memory of a sweet little boy who has touched so many.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1HPPZPT6DABO2

Jabberjaw vs Count Chocula

2008-11-23T18:50:00.018-05:00

How can there be such conflict in my brain?? I don't know where to go from here. I am pretty sure I want/need to try one more time with my eggs. However, there is a part of me, a small, nagging voice in the back of my head that might be whispering, albeit quietly, "Lisa, it's time, call Clinic A and reinstate yourself to the top of the donor egg list". But, at the same time, and quite a bit louder I might add, I can't help but think "Don't give up on your eggs. We all know it's a huge long shot, but, the next cycle might just be the one that works".

Everyone's heard of the Yin and the Yang, right? The theory behind Yin and Yang is opposition that complements one another, creating a harmonious environment. But, my oppositions don't complement, they contradict. So, I have decided to dub them Fin and Fang.

My Fin, or, as I think of him, Jabberjaw, is a typical shark. He goes on complete instinct. He smells his prey and is compelled to keep going until he locates it and devours it. He will do whatever he needs to do to accomplish his goal and get what he wants/needs. The need in me to pass on my genetic code, and the code of my family, is so very great. This is why there is the part of me that feels like I cannot stop trying. I have been chasing the goal for a long time, and feel like I need to keep chasing and chasing it until I have successfully captured it or the option ceases to exist.

On the flip side, and clearly not complementing my Fin, is my Fang, my little "I vant to suck your blood, mwahhhhhh" vampire. But, since the phlebotomists have taken so much blood out of me throughout all of my cycles, I don't think I have enough left for a real vampire. So, let me introduce you to my Fang, Count Chocula.

Despite what more current popular culture may say, vampires do not have children (so says I). They do not pass their genetic code to the next generation. When a vampire wants to expand her vampire family, she seeks out someone she believes would be a good fit.. She doesn't care whether the new addition has green eyes like her mother, a full head of hair like her father, or a great sense of direction like her grandfather. Her goal is simply to add to her family and that's what she does.

I want to add to my family. Donor eggs would, likely, allow me to do that with a much higher rate of success than with my eggs. We would be able to select a donor who we believe would be a good fit. All the things vampires do.

My Fin and my Fang have the same end goal in mind. Both want me to be Mommy. Both want Glenn to be Daddy. Both want my parents and Glenn's mother to be grandparents (she already is, my parents are not). Where they diverge is the path by which we should get there. Every time they battle in my head, Jabberjaw wins and I feel strongly that we need to keep trying with my eggs.

But, I'll admit, Count Chocula is starting to gain some ground.....

Stubborn old blockage

2008-11-19T17:16:00.002-05:00

We spent last night in the hospital - planned. Glenn had his 4th angioplasty yesterday. The first was in the wee hours of the morning, the awful night of his heart attack back in February. The other 3 have been planned.

The night of the heart attack they discovered this very old, very hard blockage in the back of his heart. They didn't clear it that night because it didn't cause the heart attack and the focus that night was stopping the heart attack. The second angioplasty was to clear another smaller blockage and this hard one. The smaller one was not a problem, but, the harder one wouldn't budge. They have since gone back in two more times (remember, the 3rd try was the same day as my endometrial biopsy and the day after my mother's kidney replacement!) but they just cannot get that old blockage to move.

The good news is that our cardiologist has decided that it's not worth trying anymore because blood has found a different route to that part of the heart. Glenn passed his stress test with flying colors and feels fine. Yes, it would be better if the blockage was gone and he'll never be able to run a marathon (hah!), but, he just wants to monitor it now as part of his regular cardiac monitoring and take it from there.

I hope I'm not tempting fate by saying that I'm glad the angioplasty roller coaster ride of 2008 has come to an end!

Options

2008-11-16T19:05:00.003-05:00

Let me preface this by saying that I know how incredibly fortunate we are to have infertility insurance coverage. I can't see a way we would have been able to attempt 7 IVF's without coverage. Some of our cycles have been out-of-network and we have a high deductible and co-pays, so, we've still paid plenty over the last 2.5 years, but, I know that it doesn't compare to what couples paying completely out of pocket have paid.

We went into this last cycle knowing that, if it wasn't successful, we only had one covered cycle left. And, while it was easy for me to say that we would use that last cycle for a donor egg cycle, in reality, I just don't feel ready for that.

This past week was open enrollment in my company. We've been under Glenn's insurance for the last 2 years because it had much better infertility coverage than mine. Now that we only had 1 IVF left on his, it was time to explore mine. As it turns out, mine will give us enough coverage for 1 IVF, giving us a total of 2 more! I have to be dual covered, but, the dollars make sense, so, I signed up.

Now, for our options. First of all, we are done with Clinic C. The decision is practical, as my insurance requires in-network and they aren't. But, honestly, if we felt they offered any hope for us, we'd pay out of pocket. But, I think we've seen that this isn't the case, sadly.

So, first decision - try one more time with my eggs or move right to donor eggs? I know how much greater our chances are with donor eggs. I really do. And I know that it wouldn't take us long as we're already at the top of the donor list at Clinic A, so, if we go donor, we will go back to them. But, I also know that I'm just not ready to give up on the genetics thing. I'll explain more in my next post.

Second decision - if we decide to try one more time, where? We could go back to Clinic A, but, really, they pretty much wrote us off and told us they had nothing left to try. [Edited: "wrote us off" is a bit strong. Basically, they said they had no other protocols they would recommend, but, that we could keep cycling as long as we wanted to in the hopes of getting a good embryo. That's when we went to Clinic C, who had several other things for us to try.] I would talk to them about this last protocol and the fact that we got 5 eggs, but, who knows if they would be willing to try it. So, that leaves us with a big decision. Do we consider a new clinic, Clinic D? They are widely known as the best in the country (those of you in the IF world will know who I'm talking about). I am going to do a phone consultation with them and see what they say. Given that cycling with them requires travel three quarters of the way across the country, I'd have to sense a real reason to cycle there, but, I'll only know that after talking with them.

And, as my husband has been reminding me lately, neither of us is getting any younger.

Yes, we have options, but, lots to think about. Sometimes I wonder if not having options would be easier.....

Failure

2008-11-10T15:23:00.004-05:00

IVF #7 is over.

My brain hurts. There are so many thoughts swirling around in there but most of them aren't real cogent yet. I'll address them as they present themselves. I wonder if this is my brain's way of protecting me from too much pain at once? I wish there was something similar to protect my heart and my soul.....

I have failed. I don't know why, but, people really get upset with me when I say that. But, it's true. I have failed. The objective is/was to have a baby. I don't have a baby. I have failed. If I haven't failed, who has?

Has science failed me?
Have the doctors failed me?
Has G-d failed me?

I guess it doesn't matter. I can't change science. I can't change G-d. I can change doctors again and that's one of those spinning thoughts that will fly out of my head at some point.

I do know that I have done everything in my power to try to make this work, but, that doesn't change anything. I am dying inside.

Digital says Pregnant

2008-11-08T22:30:00.004-05:00

...with a big, mocking, negating Not in front of it....

I was going to post a picture of it with my nail covering the word Not, trying to get a feeling of what it would look like if it just said Pregnant, but, really, who amongst us hasn't tried that?

Beta is tomorrow and, like the election, I won't officially call it until we have the final numbers, but, it's very clear what the outcome will be. I know how many of you out there have been praying for us, and I can't even express what that means to me, but, there will be no last minute miracles here, and I'm not holding out for one.

I have so much to say, but, I just can't open those floodgates yet......beware, it's coming.....

Detached

2008-11-05T16:38:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've written, but, honestly, I don't really have anything substantive to say. I've been feeling very detached this cycle. Numb. I'm really trying not to obsess about every "symptom" or lack thereof, but, seriously, if I squeeze my boobs one more time in public to see if they still hurt (it's the only tangible symptom I have and it's not really much of one), someone is going to arrest me for public indecency.

I have had some cramping, but, honestly, that could mean 10 different things.

I'm simply trying to stay even keel and not think about any of it too much. See, if I start to think about it, my mind eventually goes to the inevitability of failure and, well, trust me, nobody is ready to see the flood of emotions that will follow.

I'm just doing what I can to stay positive, despite the nagging feelings of doubt that keep creeping in. Eh, we'll all know soon enough, right?

Apples don't always equal apples

2008-10-31T14:18:00.002-04:00

Apples come in different sizes, different shapes, different colors, and different tastes. Additionally, you may look at two apples and, although you can't tell just by looking at them, one may be much older and have traveled a more difficult path than the other.

As most of you know, out of our 5 eggs, only 2 fertilized. We are very fortunate that both lived to transfer and were put into me yesterday. And, while I have been struggling greatly the last few days, I have so appreciated all of the positive and supportive comments from everyone, bot here and in other parts of my life. The encouragement I've been getting and continue to receive is truly overwhelming. So, I don't want it to sound too negative when I say that apples don't always equal apples. I know that I have two embryos in me. I know that it only takes one. I have every bit of hope that the one that I need is in me now.

But, my two just don't give me great odds, and I know that. 6 cycles ago they might have, but, they don't now. I'm just being realistic. When 3 extremely respected RE's all tell you, independent of one another, that they would put SIX embryos back into you if you had them, just to give you better odds, well, how can you not extrapolate from that the reduced odds of 2?

I in no way blame Clinic C because nobody promised us anything, and I really have no idea what would have happened if we hadn't been there with them, however, it really saddens me that all of the reasons we decided to cycle with Clinic C, in spite of the added cost and inconvenience, didn't pan out for us.

Estrogen Priming Protocol - this was designed for people with ovarian reserve issues and people have had great success with it, except me, who only produced 1 damn follicle on the protocol
Co-culture - if we couldn't produce more eggs, at least the co-culture was supposed to help improve the quality of the resulting embryos. Well, we ended up with 20-25% fragmentation in both of them, exactly the same as I had with Clinic A without co-culture
World renowned lab - not that this was ever a problem for us before, but, it was nice to know they had it. Well, their world renowned lab had 5 "mature and beautiful" eggs (per the RE) to work with and, with ICSI, could only get 2 to fertilize. For others this isn't surprising, but, in my previous cycles, every mature egg I got fertilized, so, this was another huge disappointment

Anyway, as I said, I have hope, realistic hope, that one of these babies is THE one, and I will continue to have that hope as long as there's still a reason to. I'm struggling to keep myself focused on that because, if I allow myself to start thinking about the what if's, well, we don't want to go there just yet because it won't be pretty.....

Anybody want to move to NYC with me?

2008-10-28T11:03:00.003-04:00

As most of you know, I'm now working with a large practice in NYC, but, prior to that, was with a large practice in NJ. Throughout the 4 months I've been with the NYC clinic, I've observed something interesting, but, it was confirmed to me yesterday.

Plus-sized women in NYC do not experience infertility.

Sounds ridiculous, right? Let me elaborate.

In the NJ practice waiting room, you would see women of all shapes and sizes = short, tall, slender, zaftig, etc...

From the day I entered the waiting room of NYC clinic, I noticed something different. Every woman in that waiting room was thin and beautiful! I would sit in my chair and watch them come off the elevator and, I swear, one was more modelesque than the next!

Cut to my retrieval yesterday.

Quick story break - We got 5 eggs, which is 1 more than I've ever had, so, we're pretty happy. We'll find out how many were good and fertilized later today, but, I already feel a little ahead in the race.

Anyway, this practice does their retrievals across the street at the hospital, where everyone scheduled for the day comes into the same waiting room and an attendant gives you a brown paper bag with your attire for the day already in it. When we got there, the attendant took me into the back to show me where to change and asked if I'd like a larger gown. Having observed that the models in the waiting room who were already changed were wearing scrub pants that looked like they had been tailored for their size 4 frames, I quickly agreed. By the way, even without makeup, they all still looked gorgeous, like they were waiting to get their hair and makeup done for a runway show.

Anyway, she told me it would take a few minutes because, and I quote (she was very nice, by the way!!), "I'm not sure where they keep the larger gowns because we get someone over a size 14 in here maybe once a month!"

Really?? Maybe once a month??

So, I conclude, plus-sized women don't experience infertility in NYC.

OK, so maybe my logic is tad flawed, but, I'm willing to move to the city to test it out. Does anyone want to join me?! ;-)

Cycle Update

2008-10-23T19:51:00.002-04:00

I've been pretty quiet this cycle, but, I'm not really sure why. I think, after each ultrasound, I was encouraged, but, afraid to post anything, only to have that hope ripped away at the next ultrasound, and, subsequently, have to post that. But, I think maybe, just maybe, I've turned a corner and feel fairly confident that this cycle is going to make it to retrieval!

Here's where we are, as of today - 11.2, 13, 13, 14, 15,8. And, the doctor who did today's ultrasound said that she "thinks" there might even be another follicle on the right side, but, she didn't know for sure. Because of my fibroids, my right ovary is very difficult to visualize, so, she couldn't get a good enough image to measure. This is where the difference of experience becomes pretty evident. More seasoned RE's, while always commenting about my tricky right side, seem to get there pretty quickly, while, the younger, less experienced RE's dig around for awhile and don't always get a good image.

The other amazing thing, in addition to a possible 6th follicle, is that, in 8 previous injectable cycles, I have NEVER produced more than 1 follicle in my right ovary and, here we are with 2 and a possible 3rd!

All of that said, I can't say this cycle is any better than my best cycle, but, it's just as good and sure as heck better than my last one and I'm really encouraged that we're going to go to retrieval with 5 or, dare I even hope, 6 follicles!

Estimated retrieval is Monday.......estimated......assuming everything continues progressing along this same path.....an assumption I'm almost ready to accept!

Feel the Love

2008-10-21T10:58:00.008-04:00

The amazingly resilient, indubiously kind, and always witty "K" over at Busted Babymaker has honored me with the "I Heart Your Blog" Award!

Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2. Where is your significant other? Work

3. Your hair color? Brown

4. Your mother? Healthier

5. Your father? Unaffected

6. Your favorite thing? Contentment

7. Your dream last night? Prophetic?!

8. Your dream/goal? Parenthood

9. The room you're in? Office

10. Your hobby? Singing

11. Your fear? Loneliness

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Preschool

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you're not? Finished

15. One of your wish list items? Obvious

16. Where you grew up? Jersey

17. The last thing you did? Lunch

18. What are you wearing? Clothes

19. Your T.V.? Escape

20. Your pet? None

21. Your computer? Lifesaver

22. Your mood? Guarded

23. Missing someone? Several

24. Your car? Jeep

25. Something you're not wearing? Earrings

26. Favorite store? Bookstore

27. Your Summer? Diagnostic

28. Love someone? Several

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. Last time you cried? Today

Now, I'd like to pass this award to 7 bloggers who excite me when they publish a new entry (8, if you count the fact that I'm unofficially giving this award back to "K"!!):

Definition of Insanity

It's Either Sadness or Euphoria

My lovely friend, Megan, at Multiple Baby Pileup

Journey for Baby Reilly

French Family Journey

Reproductively Challenged

What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting

A day to remember....

2008-10-15T09:06:00.003-04:00

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. This day was created to give family, friends, and the world a day to remember these babies that have been lost.

The established ritual for this day is to light a candle at 7 p.m. in your own time zone, which creates a wave of light as each candle is lit. Whether you choose to do so or not, please, take a moment tonight to remember these lost lives, but, also, I ask you to remember the parents, grandparents, family, and friends who so long to be holding those babies and, sadly, can't.

The number 7

2008-10-14T10:40:00.002-04:00

First of all, I know I've been absent for a bit, but, I've been working through my frustrations and anger and today I think I'm finally feeling a little better. Of course, it's not a coincidence that I was in Clinic C today and saw Dr. Expert for bloodwork and ultrasound in preparation for starting IVF #7, which, if my bloodwork is OK, will begin tonight.

But, before talking about that, I have to thank everyone for the amazingly insightful comments on my last couple of posts. I really wanted to respond personally to each of them, but, between the holiday, work, and what I was feeling, I just couldn't put into words what I was feeling. But, I am so very grateful for all of them and have gone back and re-read them several times over the last week. It is incredibly helpful to know that others have dealt with the same anger and had the same reactions I had with regards to their ability to worship. As pointed out by one wonderful commenter, perhaps it was a bit harsh for me to be angry with myself over my reactions. Maybe I really was being too hard on myself. But, at the same time, I have to say, I was actually proud of myself (how's that for mixed emotions?!) for taking care of me and my needs, something people tell me I don't do enough.

It's been a tough time. As late as 11:00 last night I was emailing with a friend about how I wasn't even excited and hopeful about this cycle starting. Mostly, I was/am terrified at the prospect of this one not making it to retrieval either.

But, somehow, I feel better today. I guess it's like the old adage about "getting back on the horse". Going back to the doctor this morning I got back on the horse and I do feel hopeful and even excited again.

This will be my 7th IVF. 7 is supposed to be a lucky number, right? I was curious why, so, I went to my old friend Google this morning and found a ton of information that I won't bore anyone with. But, I will share this little fact (I love little facts!) that I found on Wikipedia.

"Seven is the number of holes in the heads of most mammals."

I'll wait - I know you're counting.........

Two ears - which I will use this IVF cycle to hear the wonderful encouragement I'm blessed to get from so many people and to listen to my IVF meditation tracks to keep me calm and relaxed

Two eyes - which I will use this IVF cycle to see the good things I have in my life and to read the emails and blogs from which I draw so much of my strength

Two nostrils - which I will use this IVF cycle to enjoy the beautiful scents this time of year - the crisp autumn air, leaves burning, wood burning fireplaces

One mouth - which I will use this IVF cycle to partake of some yummy treats (hey, a girl needs some reward for doing all those shots and early mornings!) and to offer encouragement, congratulations, condolences, and advice and just be as supportive as I can of everyone's joys and difficulties.

Oh, and to smile. Glenn loves my smile and it's been missing for a while.

That little rhyme just made me smile - I must be feeling better!

Prayer and Righteousness

2008-10-05T22:48:00.002-04:00

I left services the first day of Rosh Hashanah because I needed to. It was more than just the unending tears, although I will admit to a little bit of embarrassment over that - especially when the woman behind me, in her best stage whisper, said to her husband "that girl is crying, look, she's crying, why do you think she's crying?". I felt anger. I felt despair. I felt baffled. I felt sadness.

I am angry with G-d and I couldn't imagine how I could sit there and pray to him when I feel so angry. It's quite the contradiction to have faith but then feel so angry with the entity to whom you give that faith.

Now, we have to take a little detour here. Since this is a mindmapping experiment, I have to go explore Righteousness before I can come back to this theme of Prayer. I planned for it to be a separate post, but, I need to think about it here.

Righteousness. Doing the right thing. I am a very black and white person. I believe, in many situations, there is a right and there is a wrong. You can make a good choice or you can make a bad choice. Now, don't beat me up, I know there is gray area and times when the choice that you make is not definable as right or wrong. But, in many cases, to me, it is clear cut. Nobody is truly righteous, in that nobody makes the right choice all the time. But, I do strive to be a good person and to make good choices. And, making the right choice, again, by my definition, isn't always the one that makes you the happiest or is the easiest. So, given that, of course, part of me thinks that I should never have left services, or, at the very least, should have marched myself back in there because participating in the Rosh Hashanah service, even if it caused me sadness, would have been....say it with me...the right thing to do.

Now, I will fully admit that I get WAYYYY too hung up on doing the right thing sometimes. So, why wasn't I able to do it in this situation? Despite feeling incredibly guilty about leaving, why didn't I leave and not just go back in?

OK, back to Prayer. I think I now know why I couldn't go back in. My relationship with G-d is extremely important to me. If I didn't feel that way, if the prayers that I wanted to say, that I needed to say, weren't important to me, I probably could have just gone back in and sat there and gone through the motions. But, I take the services and prayers and rituals very seriously. They are meaningful and important to me. And, so, it makes sense to me that, when I am so emotionally charged with negative emotions, I would struggle to participate in these rituals of prayer that I hold so dearly.

For the record, the ritual and the prayers are very important to me and I did go to services the next day, albeit after the sermon. And, except for a couple of times when I teared up, I managed to focus on the words of the prayers and the melodies I was chanting (the musical/lyrical prayers, in particular, impact me the strongest) and not the thoughts they evoked and I felt more spiritually fulfilled then I thought I would.

Now, we'll see how Yom Kippur goes....

Repentance

2008-10-04T11:40:00.000-04:00

I talked the other day about the Unetanah Tokef, the prayer that talks about G-d writing into the Book of Life who shall live and who shall die, who shall be sick and who shall be healthy, who shall be rich and who shall be poor, etc.... I didn't mention how that prayer ends.

But Repentance, Prayer, and Righteousness Avert the Severe Decree

In other words, by asking for forgiveness for your sins, praying to be a better person, and doing good things you can hope that G-d will look on you more favorably when deciding your fate for the next year.

As I thought about why this year was so much more difficult than previous years, this phrase kept going over and over in my head. (You can see where this is going, can't you?)

Repentance. In order to repent, I needed to reflect on my year and think about those things I needed to repent for. This thought process led me down a path of wondering if I've recognized those things that I should be grateful for. Let's see - my mother got a new kidney - that's a big one! Yes, Glenn had a heart attack, but, he's still here with me, doing OK. I had some health scares but, sure enough, they turned out to be OK and I'm fine. I lost my grandmother, but, we had her for a long time and now she's out of pain and with my grandfather. And all the regular ones - I have people who love me, I'm financially stable, etc....

I really do recognize them and I'm thankful for them. I'm in a place, however, where it's really hard to think about those good things and the bad things that have happened since last Rosh Hashanah, and hope for next year to be a better year. But, like I said the other day, things will be different come this time next year. And, despite what I just said, I do really hope that we will fall on the better side.

First, what happened

2008-10-03T12:03:00.002-04:00

I blogged last week about how Rosh Hashanah and how this was a difficult time of the year for me. Little did I know how difficult it actually was. Rosh Hashanah began Monday night, as all Jewish observances begin at sundown. As we moved through the day Monday and I thought about the holiday starting, I began to not feel well. The thought of going to temple and praying to G-d to forgive me of my sins from the past year and ask to be blessed with a good year coming up actually made me feel physically ill. But, I decided to deal with it and planned to go (doing the right thing and my relationship with G-d - both things to be explored in my subsequent mindmapping posts).

Come Tuesday morning, we didn't rush to services. As it turned out, we got there just in time for the sermon. I swear, the Rabbi wasn't 10 words in when the tears started to roll down my face. Uncontrollable tears.

The sermon opened with the Rabbi talking about figuring out what your purpose on this earth is and evolved into a discussion about ways that you can be an angel on earth (G-d's To Do List: 103 Ways to Be an Angel and do G-d's Work on Earth) and how doing those things will fulfill you and bring you closer to understanding your purpose. I tried to blank out the Rabbi's voice, but, I couldn't. I kept hearing his words ringing through my head and the tears just wouldn't stop.

I left right after the sermon. I couldn't stay for the rest of services. I couldn't stay there and pretend like I was OK. I couldn't pretend like I'm not angry at G-d.

OK, so now that you know the scenario, in the next few posts I will delve into the different things I was feeling. I'm not sure where to even start, hence, the virtual mindmapping experiment!

Virtual Mindmapping

2008-10-02T10:23:00.003-04:00

So much to say. So many thoughts swirling around in my mind. Struggling to find a way to verbalize them.

Connected thoughts? Disconnected thoughts? Centralized theme?

As you might guess from this and my previous post, Rosh Hashanah set off a flood of emotions that were so powerful I struggled to even be able to identify them myself. As I've thought about it/them, I've begun to identify a couple of themes that I feel that I need to explore. But, rather than try to delve into them all in one ginormous post, I'm going to try to tackle them in a series of posts.

I have no idea what direction this might take or where we might end up, but, I'm hoping the journey will help me better understand what I'm feeling.

So, join me on my Virtual Mindmapping Experiment!

The Head of the Year

2008-09-26T15:58:00.004-04:00

This used to be my favorite time of the year. I love the fall. I always loved the start of a new school year. And, while the many hours of shul and prayer might make others cringe, I have always loved Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur signify the beginning of the Jewish year. In fact, Rosh Hashanah literally means "head of the year". While they are two separate holidays, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are very connected. On Rosh Hashanah, and the following days, we pray to G-d for forgiveness for anything bad we've done in the past year and, we believe, G-d hears our prayers and inscribes, in the Book of Life, what our next year will look like - who shall live and who shall die, who shall be poor and who shall grow rich, who shall be healthy and who shall be afflicted, etc.... The specific prayer with this words is called the Unetanah Tokef and is said in every synagogue around the world during these, our High Holy Days. This Book of Life is sealed on Yom Kippur.

In the Christian world, the new year begins on January 1st. For many I know struggling with infertility, the Christmas/New Year holiday season is extremely difficult as it serves as the "marker" of another childless year passed. It's not that way for me. This time of year is my marker. Everything sort of feels new in the early fall - it's the jewish new year, school starts, the season changes, etc.... and, so, this is when I begin to count another year, another childless year.

This is when I go to shul and see people that I grew up with coming back with their children, while I still remain childless. Of course, my feelings about this time of year are exacerbated by the fact that IVF #1, two years ago, resulted in an ectopic right before Rosh Hashanah and IVF #4, last year, timed out with my egg retrieval right on Yom Kippur.

This might lead some to wonder if my sadness is just a timing issue or if, after all I've been through, I'm questioning my belief in G-d. I can answer that honestly. No, I have never questioned my belief in G-d. I still believe that everything that happens does so for a reason and those reasons are guided by G-d. This doesn't mean that I haven't struggled with my anger at him for facilitating the things that have happened to us, or, more accurately, not happened for us. I have considered thrusting a big middle finger at the sky and not participating in this year's Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services, but, I realize that doing so would not be out of anger or disbelief, but, rather, out of defiance and that wouldn't be the right reason. And, as I said at the beginning of this post, I actually enjoy these holidays. So, who would I be hurting in the end if I chose not to participate?

I am, essentially, in the same place now as I was a year ago at this time, albeit more hardened about the process. I cannot be in this same place come Rosh Hashanah next year. I can't. I won't. As I embark on IVF #7, we understand that we are nearing the end. We're on the precipice of change and there will be some big ones in this coming year for us. I don't know which way things will swing, but, you can be sure, when it comes time to pray the Unetanah Tokef, I'll be praying extra strong for G-d to put us on the positive side of his decisions as well as for me to have the wisdom to see and accept those decisions.

Broken down...light the flares!

2008-09-17T09:30:00.002-04:00

Dr. Expert left me a message on Monday that he wanted to try a new protocol and told me to call his nurse and she would explain it to me. That may sound really impersonal to some, but, I've been through this enough that I don't really need the crying WTF appointment anymore. So, this was fine. I called her and she didn't get back to me until Tuesday. She explained that he wanted to do a protocol called co-flare. As she reviewed the details, it sounded quite similar to the microflare protocol I did in IVF's #2 and 3 that failed miserably (although I think there are extenuating circumstances as to why both failed and not necessarily the protocols fault).

The thing is, I just feel too far along in this to, by my perception, take a step backwards and "try" things. So, I put in a call to Dr. Expert. I just wanted to hear from him that there is enough of a difference in this protocol to warrant trying it.

He called me back yesterday and explained the whole thing to me again. I told him my concern and he said that he realized I had done microflare (although he could only recall me having done it once, not the twice that I did it) but he does feel this is significantly different. There will be no pre-cycle suppressants at all. My best cycles have been with no suppressants. So, I'll start full strength lupron (as opposed to diluted like you do in microflare) on day 2, scaling back the dose on day 4. And, on day 3 I'll start, are you ready for this, 600 iu of Follistim a day!! Holy meds! Some people take that amount in total their whole cycle!

He said that if this doesn't work, there are other avenues (basically his way of saying this is probably the end of the line for my eggs) and he knows that we have explored donor egg, but, he felt that he wanted one more shot to get me to ER. He said that he thinks we might be able to get back to 4 eggs, my best cycle, but, that he knows me may eat those words in 6 weeks, something neither of us wants to happen! I like and appreciate his honesty.

So, this protocol starts on Day 2. Unfortunately, today is Day 4, so, I have to wait a whole month, but, he wanted me to wait anyway to give my body a chance to calm down. I don't know. My best cycle came right on the tails of a failed IUI cycle, but, it's a moot point because it's too late to start this protocol anyway. I know it's only a month, but, I still have to get through Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (I had my ER on Yom Kippur last year for the cycle that resulted in a pregnancy....) and the thought of getting through another holiday season is tough. The good news is that I should get started shortly after.

It's official

2008-09-12T14:46:00.003-04:00

No great shock here, but, the result of IVF #6/IUI#3, or, whatever the heck we want to call this cycle this SNAFU of a cycle, is negative.

In a way, I feel relieved. I know there was always a chance, but, that chance was so low that the last two weeks have just felt like torture. But, a different kind of torture than a regular 2 week wait. This was the torture of, c'mon, let's just get it over with already so we can move on.

So, yeah, now that it's officially over, I'm actually relieved that I can look forward to IVF #7. I already have a call in to Dr. Expert, who I expect to hear from on Monday, and we'll decide where we go from here.

But, for now, honestly, I'm doing OK.

Snippets

2008-09-09T14:43:00.003-04:00

I have been a really bad emailer lately, so, I'm using this forum to thank all of you for your supportive comments over the last couple of weeks (well, really, over the last 6 months!)!! It's nice to know that people understand what I'm going through!

I've been down the last couple of weeks - that is undeniable. And, I'm not moving past those feelings too quickly. If you're a blogger, did you ever wonder, when you're in this kind of mood (and, we all are sometimes!) if people reading your blog roll their eyes and think "ugh, here she goes again, same old same old"?

And, that made me think about the person that we present via our blogs. A good friend sent me an email yesterday saying "I have been keeping up on your blog, but wanted to see how Lisa M. the Person was doing vs. Lisa M. the Blogger". It's an interesting question. I've always thought that I present the full me on here, but, in reality, we really only present snippets of our lives in our blogging.

Despite what's come across lately, I am really an upbeat, positive, almost jolly person who smiles a lot (c'mon, someone who knows me in real life, vouch for me!) and, while I wish things could be different, at the end of the day, I'm pretty proud of the person I am, the one who has withstood so much more than she ever thought she could and is still ticking, even if sadness oozes out of me now and then. And, when that happens, it's wonderful to know that so many people are out there to help!

You know, just typing all of that out has actally helped to lift my funk a little!

The Dichotomy of Happiness and Sadness

2008-09-06T10:29:00.003-04:00

Is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Does the presence of one diminish the magnitude of the other?

These questions have been swirling in my head for the last few days.

Like most infertiles, I used to hear of someone becoming pregnant easily and I would think "good for them, I wish I could get pregnant that easily." Interestingly, I don't think that way anymore. See, getting pregnant easily (or, even getting pregnant at all) is so far beyond my reality that I can't even consider it in the realm of my possibility any more. Those pregnancies fall into a category in my mind called "the way it's supposed to happen", but, not anything I can compare my situation to at all. It's like hearing someone completed a triathlon - wonderful for them, but, it's something I just can't relate to because I'm never going to do the same.

I find myself lately struggling with something different. Now, before I go any further, please, anyone reading this who falls into the group I'm about to talk about, please read the whole thing and I hope you can understand what I'm talking about.

I find myself struggling greatly now with my reaction to hearing about and knowing women who have dealt with infertility successfully getting pregnant and having babies. Please, re-read that sentence, please. I didn't say that my struggle is with those women. I do not want ANY of you reading this to think that I am anything less than so so so very happy for you. The fact that you were strong enough to endure the pain, continue moving forward, and find success is remarkable and my happiness for you is enormous.

My struggle is with how it makes me feel. I no longer think "I hope I can join them soon". My thoughts now are "why did it work for them and it won't work for me?" It's a reminder that these treatments can work....that they should work. So, why not me? I think I've tried hard enough. I think I've done everything I've been told. I think I've paid my dues. So, why not me?

I love the support groups and networks that I've been a part of throughout this struggle. The support and love I've received is truly overwhelming. I KNOW how many people are pulling for me. And, one of the things I said from the very beginning is that it is helpful for me to be able to help others. And, I hope I've done that. But, a difficulty with being part of these groups is the sheer number of women you get to know who have and continue to struggle. As a result, you get to see so many women succeed, more than you would ever know in your regular off-line life.

Anyone who has frequented The Nest's TTTC board for a long time will understand that it can be hard to see so many women get pregnant and leave the board (while, again, we are thrilled for them), while you still linger on and, for the 100th time, enter your name and diagnosis in a "Let's get to know one another" post because there are so many new posters. And, while I've always wanted to help, I find myself ignoring the "Has anyone ever used Follistim" or "I'm scared to do my first injection" posts because, frankly, I just don't have the energy anymore.

Do I sound bitter? I should, because that's where I am right now. I'll come out of it, but, I've accepted that this is what I'm feeling right now, and, that's OK. But, still, my bitterness is about my situation and not anyone else's. I am so very happy for anyone who "made it through the rain" (Barry Manilow fans...anyone...) and I hope they all know it. My happiness for them is, in no way, precluded by my sadness for me. I think I answered my own questions. Yes, it is possible to feel both and feel them equally.

In fact, I think it may even make each feeling stronger and more powerful by feeling them in conjunction with one another than when one occurs on its own....

Birth and Death - the Links that Bind

2008-09-02T15:48:00.003-04:00

This past Sunday was my grandmother's unveiling. An unveiling is a traditional Jewish ceremony that is done within a year of death, during which a short service is conducted graveside and the stone is "unveiled" for the first time for all to see.

My grandmother lived to be 91. It is a miracle that she made it to my wedding. After that, all she wanted was to see me have a baby. In her last few years, I would go visit with her in the nursing home and, after recognizing me, she would fall back into the lack of lucidity state we'd become accustomed to. But, out of nowhere, and, I must add, loud and clear as can be, she would suddenly yell "I vant you should have a baby!" (imagine a polish Jewish accent, if you can), before going back to that far-away place again.

She passed away suddenly (albeit not unexpectedly) 3.5 weeks after my miscarriage last fall. We had not told her that I was pregnant as I was worried about it being so early. Subsequently, she didn't know that I'd miscarried. Or, did she?

After getting the call that she had passed, I was driving to my parents house and was pretty shaken. I was still dealing with the sadness of my miscarriage and D&C, and wondered why this had to happen now. Suddenly, I was overcome by a wave of peace. I realized that my grandmother wanted me to have a baby in this world so much and decided that, if she couldn't have that baby here, she was going to go where the baby was. I know that it sounds crazy, I really do. But, the thought that she was in heaven protecting the baby that I couldn't protect gave me such solace and helped me get through the next few weeks. It still helps.

So, Sunday was her unveiling. There we all were, on the cemetery, listening to the Rabbi's words and reading along with him when asked. And, I thought about this again, and it again brought peace to me. Until we read a prayer that referred to the adding to the chains of the generation started by my grandmother. And, I realized that, in the almost year since she passed away, I'm still no closer than I was then to add a link to the chain. So many people in my life have had babies in this time (a post for another day....) and I feel like I'm moving backwards, rather than making progress.

There really are no words to describe how I feel as I come to grips with the horror that I may never add a link to that chain that somehow persevered and survived the Holocaust and emigration to America. The chain may end with me....

La la la....I can't hear you....la la la....

2008-08-29T21:33:00.003-04:00

That's what I was saying to myself today. Yep, to myself. As I sat in the car driving to the clinic, as I sat in the waiting room while they processed Glenn's sperm, as I signed in for my IUI, as I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor who, maybe, just maybe, after the 20+ other doctors I've encountered through this process, would try to impregnate me, all that went through my head, over and over again, like a mantra, while I struggled (somewhat unsuccessfully) to hold back the tears:

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. "Hi, I'm here to check in for my IVF....oops, I mean my IUI." It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Verify SS# and sign name for the 10th time today. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. "Yes, doctor, I've done this before. My cervix is hard to get to but I could draw you a map if you like. It's best if you use the long, narrow speculum on me." It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Who knows? Maybe a miracle will happen (you can't continue to go through this if you don't believe in miracles, can you?) and I'll be able to say, "hmm, I guess it WAS supposed to happen this way"......

Before leaving, the doctor asked if I had progesterone at home. Of course, I told her, I have the progesterone in oil and all of the syringes - remember, I was prepared for an IVF cycle. But, nooooo, after an IUI, they want you to use the oh-so-disgusting progesterone vaginal suppositories, not the injections (is it strange that I would prefer that big needle in my butt every day over the nasty suppositories twice a day?). So, after we left the clinic, we had to schlep to the fertility pharmacy to fill yet another prescription.

Then we came home, I got into bed and cried, Glenn came in to comfort me, and we ended up napping for almost 4 hours. When I woke up, the funk had lifted a bit. I still hear the mantra, but, it's not as loud now and I can almost overpower it with my "la la la....I can't hear you....la la la".

So, now we wait. Day 1 of the seemingly interminable 2 week wait.....

Cancelled/Converted

2008-08-27T09:54:00.008-04:00

Estrogen Priming Protocol. This is the protocol that was designed for people with low ovarian reserve. This was supposed to work. I honestly wasn't looking for a miracle and would have been happy to just get to 4 eggs, like my best cycle. I just wasn't, in any way, prepared for this to be my worst response out of the 7 injectable cycles I've done!

The doctor who did today's ultrasound, whom I never met before today (that's what happens when you change clinics) said "so, you have 1 nice follicle. Have you thought about moving forward with IVF with the 1 follicle?" Seriously, I had to restrain myself from standing up in the stirrups (in order to tower over him, because that's how I pictured it in my mind) and shouting "Are you effing kidding me?! Have you seen my history??". Instead, I said something way tamer than that, while sitting there, half naked, holding back the tears. His response, in a way-too chipper voice for someone delivering news to a woman about to add another failed cycle badge to her sash, "Oh, yeah, I see in the records that you have 5 failed IVF's. Talk to your doctor later today but I think we should move on and do the IUI. After all, it only takes one!". Really? REALLY? It only takes one???? Huh, I never heard that one before! (note my sarcasm....)

I have 1 follicle. I could have saved thousands of dollars and countless needle holes in my body and still produced 1 follicle. But, tonight, we stuck one more needle, in my butt, to trigger ovulation of my 1 lone follicle and we'll do an IUI on Friday. The odds of that working are so very low, but, maybe this long stim produced a good egg and, well, there's really no harm in doing an IUI.

I have no words to explain how I'm feeling right now and, at the same time, I have a million things I could say. Nothing in between. And, I don't think I have the strength to start the million, so, I'll stick with nothing...for now....

IVF #6 (or #7) Cycle Update

2008-08-25T15:16:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all of your incredibly well thought out responses to my last post! I, too, believe that every cycle that requires you to stick needles in your body in the hopes of getting to ER and ET should count. In fact, I didn't realize until today that, by that definition, this is really IVF #7 (!!!!) because we stimmed in between IVF's #3 and #4 and called it an IUI while hoping we would get enough of a response to convert to an IVF, but, we didn't.

But, I've gotten used to saying IVF #6 (I'd have to put a rush on a whole new badge if I called this IVF #7, lol) so I think I'll just stick with that.

I've received questions asking why I haven't given a status update on this cycle. I can't explain it, but, despite the needles, playing chemist every night, and the trips into NYC for bloodwork and ultrasound, for some reason, it doesn't really feel like I'm in cycle. Every night, I almost forget that I have to take my meds. Unlike in past cycles, it is not the number one constant thing on my mind. It's weird.

The only thing I can think of is that the lack of response has made me a bit complacent about the whole cycle. My response has been very, very slow. At my first ultrasound, after 8 days of stimming at max dosage, I had 1 measurable follicle, an 11. That's it. Today, after 10 days of stimming, the 11 had become a 12 and I still have nothing else worth measuring.

I happened to see my doctor (Dr. Expert) this morning and he is not discouraged yet. He said that the fact that this is a long, slow protocol, coupled with the reality that I stim long anyway, means that we are not out of the game yet. The 12 is not too large yet and there is time for some of his friends to catch up to him. Dr. Expert said that he has seen some people stim for 15-16 days on this protocol. Given that, I have time.

I'll leave you with a quote I'd heard some years ago from Margaret Thatcher that just popped into my head this morning.

"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."

We'll see what tomorrow's ultrasound shows. I'm waiting....patiently!

Badges

2008-08-22T22:45:00.003-04:00

Nurse (with an "ugh, do I have to explain everything to you" attitude) to Lisa: "Is this your first IVF?"

Lisa (with a "don't worry about me, I'm an expert" smugness) to Nurse: "No, it's my 6th."

Nurse (with a "you don't know everything, you snot-nosed infertile" look) to Lisa: "Oh, but, it's your first one here with us, right?"

Lisa (with a "so the eff what, do you want to count the needle holes in my body from all of my previous cycles" defiancy) to Nurse: "Yeah, the 5 others were at another clinic, but, this is my 6th overall."

This exchange happened between me and a nurse at Clinic C last week, on the first day of this IVF cycle. As it was happening, there was a training nurse standing nearby, observing. I noticed an expression on her face, which I couldn't clearly define. Was it pity - a sadness for this poor infertile creature in front of her who has gone through this so many times and, a minute ago, told the nurse that she had suffered an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage for it to be put in yet another medical record in yet another doctor's offices computer systems? Or, was it an expression of respect - respect for this poor infertile creature in front of her who had been through so much and was still here, still trying?

I realized that the line between pity and respect is a really thin one. And, it made me wonder - do we wear our infertility, the things that have happened to us that define that, as badges? And, are these badges our way of garnering respect (or pity, remember it's a thin line) from those who have not earned as many badges as we have?

I say that I have had 5 IVF's, but, have I? I have started 5 IVF cycles, only to have 2 of them cancelled 7-9 days into stimming. Do I have the right to count those as IVF cycles? Is it really a cycle if you haven't gone through retrieval and transfer? Has someone who has had 1 fresh IVF cycle and 2 FET's (frozen transfers) really gone through 3 IVF's, or have they only gone through 1?

Do we use the larger number (in my case, 5 IVF's and not 3) because it sounds better? Are we looking for pity or are we looking for respect?

On the IF message boards, most women have their infertility history in their signature, so, every time they post a message, you know exactly what they've done treatment-wise, as well as what losses they have suffered. Many IVF bloggers (myself included) have this history somewhere easily viewable on our blogs. Is this purely informative, or, does each line sit there like a badge sewn to a girl scout sash? (Totally off subject, but, wouldn't it be ironic if you could earn a sewing badge for sewing on your badges?)

Badges tell a story. They show perseverance. They show experience. They show commitment. They are a way to honor the effort that has been put in, even if success has not yet been achieved. Yes, to answer my questions from above, I think that every cycle that we do counts. Every cycle is a badge earner. They are badges that each and every one of us wishes we didn't have. But, those badges tell the story of my struggle and, whether they earn me respect or pity, neither of which I want, I will wear my badges proudly and hope and pray that IVF #6 is the last badge I have to add to this already overflowing sash.

FSH is 3.5!

2008-08-18T17:07:00.006-04:00

I'm sorry, I know, all of my posts lately have just been updates and I haven't written anything "substantial" in a while. I've got a couple of things germinating in my brain and, as soon as I have some time, I'll sit down and put words around them!

But, for now, I'm celebrating my FSH level.

For those who aren't embroiled in this world of infertility, let me explain.
For those who, sadly, are all too familiar with this crap, talk amongst yourselves for a minute and I'll tell you where to rejoin the post!

FSH stands for Follicle Stimulating Hormone and, basically, it is a hormone that stimulates follicles (which, ideally, contain eggs) to grow. The level is an indication of ovarian reserve and the potential onset of menopause. While it's not an absolute indicator of ovarian reserve, it is one of the markers that doctors use. The lower the better. Generally, an FSH over 10, while not death to your fertility, is an indication that your response may not be great.

***OK, IF friends, you can come back!***

So, my FSH has never been really high. For my first IVF cycle, the one where I had 2 eggs fertilize but only one embryo left to implant (that resulted in an ectopic pregnancy), my FSH was a 9.4. Getting precariously close to the 10 mark, but, not too bad.

For my 4th IVF, the one where I got 4 good eggs and had 4 embryos to transfer (my most successful cycle, if you don't count the resulting miscarriage.....), my FSH was down to 7.2. I thought this was wonderful!!

Here we are, in IVF #6 and I forgot to ask what my FSH was the other day so I did today. 3.5!!! 3.5. Yes, I said 3.5. I am in shock!

OK, I am not naive enough to think that this means that I am suddenly going to develop 10 eggs. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Honestly, I don't think this really means all that much, except that it gives me hope and encouragement that maybe, just maybe, this cycle will be a good one.

Mom was released, Dad was admitted

2008-08-15T19:15:00.003-04:00

But, it's all OK. My mother was released today and is home and doing great!! I know I've said it before, but, really, the whole thing is miraculous.

My father went in for his angioplasty today, had a stent put in, and earned himself an overnight stay in the hospital. He's doing great and will be home tomorrow.

So, now, it's time to focus on me a little bit (I'm not forgetting about you, mom!). I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound this morning and, woohoo, IVF #6 is officially underway!!

I'll write more later. For now, I'm off to start my shots!

Today's update (OK, not the catchiest title)

2008-08-12T18:23:00.004-04:00

First of all, my mother is doing great! Less than 24 hours after receiving a new kidney, I swear, she sounded like she had spent the day at the spa, not in major surgery. She sounds great!!! The kidney is doing what it's supposed to be doing, but, not to full capacity just yet. This is not unexpected, but, all signs look good right now! As she wasn't allowed to have food yet, she had a liquid lunch today. That, in and of itself was a milestone! They gave her more liquid in one meal than, as a dialysis patient, she would have been allowed to have in a week!

My endometrial biopsy went fine this morning. Clinic C was very accommodating about offering to schedule me around Glenn's procedure, but, then didn't really follow through. However, when I showed up early this morning at, what turned out to be 3 hours before they had me scheduled and explained the situation, they were wonderful and got me out in about 40 minutes! And, I have to say, the biopsy wasn't nearly as bad as what I'd been led to believe. It wasn't a walk in the park, and I'm still having some after-effects, but, it was bearable and, more importantly, done quickly.

I was able to get back across town and get to the other hospital before Glenn was even taken in for his angioplasty. After a lengthy delay, they were ready for him. The best I can say is that it was moderately successful. The objective of today's procedure was to get more blood to the back part of the heart. The primary way of doing this was to clear a very old blockage. Well, they were not able to clear it. Stubborn sucker.... They did open another artery wider, allowing for more blood to flow, but, it's not enough. They feel they made enough headway on this nasty blockage that they want another go at it. So, looks like we'll be doing this again in a month or two. He feels fine and is in no distress, so, it's not an emergency, but, taking care of it now will stave off other problems in the future.

So, for tonight, we are camped out in a beautiful private hospital room overlooking the Hudson River and George Washington Bridge. I'm absolutely exhausted and pretty sure I won't make it until midnight when the Olympics coverage ends for the evening (although, don't be surprised if I fight to stay awake!). And, I'm looking forward to going to see my mother tomorrow, after we're discharged from here!

And, finally, thank you to everyone for your kind words, prayers, and well wishes!! I'm a tad behind in my blog reading, commenting, and responding, as you might imagine, but I will definitely catch up when things calm down (do they ever?)!!

A miracle happened today....

2008-08-11T22:55:00.003-04:00

...and not the kind you're thinking!!

About a month and a half ago, I posted about Medicare's End Stage Renal Disease program and told you that my mother has been on dialysis for almost two years and had just gone on the kidney transplant list within the last month.

We don't know yet how or where it came from, but, my mother got the call last night that they had a kidney for her! After a very long night of travel (they were in VA when they got the call and had to get back to NJ!!) and many tests on the kidney, it was confirmed at 8:00 this morning that it was a perfect match and, as of 5:30 this evening, my mother has a working kidney in her!!!

I am so emotionally drained and have my endometrial biopsy and Glenn's angioplasty tomorrow. But, this is a kind of exhaustion I'll take! In fact, it's wonderful!!!

And, we're off!

2008-08-10T08:18:00.002-04:00

I just put my first estrogen patch on my abdomen.

Irrational Fear #1 - the picture on the pamphlet that comes with the patches shows a woman with a cute little shape and flat stomach. Will the estrogen be able to successfully work its way through the roll of fat on my stomach??

Right on the package, it warns that the patch may cause dizziness.

Irrational Fear #2 - I'm out, running errands, and suddenly everything starts to spin. Funny, considering irrational fear #1 is that the patch won't even seep through the fat.

Regardless, I'm going to stay around the house today.

Next step - endometrial biopsy on Tuesday.

Irrational Fear #3 - I'm having MAJOR PMS. As Glenn will attest to, I've been a tad bitchy the last couple of days. My body has been really off this cycle. What if I get my period before the biopsy on Tuesday? If that happens, they won't be able to do it and we'll have to push everything back.....which leads to:

Irrational Fear #4 - what if I don't get my period on time. Again, my body was off this cycle. What if my period comes later than expected? Than, we'll be off timing from the estrogen patches and ganirelix shots I have to take tomorrow, Tuesday, and Wednesday, again, causing us to have to delay.

I will freely admit that, given my level of bitchiness, irrational fear #4 is highly unlikely! She's-a-comin', just, hopefully, not too early.

Glenn just asked me if we are still looking at retrieval around Labor Day weekend. While, yes, in theory, that's when it would most likely be:

Rational Fear #1 - we've been here before. I've had 2 cancelled cycles because of low production, so, I don't take anything for granted. For me, it's one step at a time. Let's get past all of my irrational fears, begin stimming, and hope and pray that my response is decent enough to keep going.

One step at a time....

Getting closer to starting!

2008-08-05T14:43:00.004-04:00

Well, the sticks, or, more accurately, my body didn't behave and decided this would be a month where I would ovulate late. But, thankfully, I finally detected my surge on Sunday, CD19. Of course, that knocked me out of the window to have my endometrial biopsy today or Thursday, so, I'm scheduled for it next Tuesday.

Know the expression "the best laid plans of mice and men...."? When asked if we could schedule Glenn's angioplasty for today, I said, "oh no, that day is my biopsy", so, yep, you guessed it, we scheduled it for next Tuesday, now the day of my aforementioned biopsy!

We're going to do both. Mine has to happen that day and, well, we just don't want to change Glenn's. I'll probably drop Glenn on the west side of Manhattan, cab over to the east side, have my procedure, cab back and hopefully get there while he's in recovery. Not ideal, but, really, what good am I doing sitting in the waiting room worrying?

But, this was the least of my worries. I will be doing the estrogen priming protocol this cycle. You count 10 days after your surge and that's when you start the estrogen patches. Well, 10 days after CD19 seemed awful late to me and I was very worried they would cancel this IVF cycle until I ovulated at a more reasonable time. Thankfully, nope, they are just starting me on the meds earlier. So, I guess you can say that, as of this coming up Sunday, I will officially begin the meds (IVF patches and 3 days of ganirelix) for IVF #6!

Hi from Chicago

2008-07-31T21:00:00.002-04:00

First of all, I'm sorry that I haven't been a good commenter this week. I have been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs, but, my computer time is extremely limited (pretty much can only be online between midnight and 6:00am and sleep has become more of a necessity than blogging!). But, rest assured, I am reading and thinking about everyone!

I am in Chicago, well, Rosemont, IL, to be exact, for the National Sports Collectors Annual National Convention. Glenn and I have a side business dealing in sports and Americana collectibles, primarily from the 19th century, and this is our big show of the year.

So, my week of vacation is being spent in the Rosemont convention center. Jealous, I know! At one point today, Glenn turned to me and said "hey, this is as good as the beach, right?". I think all of the fluorescent lighting may have made the poor boy temporarily delusional!

So, I don't have much happening. I'm reading Unsung Lullabies (purchased from Amazon!) and will write about my reactions later.

Next stop for me is my endometrial biopsy for my coculture. It has to be done 5-12 days after detection of your LH surge. I am tentatively scheduled for the procedure next Tuesday (Clinic C only performs them on Tuesdays and Thursdays), but, in order for that to happen, my pee stick has to show the surge by tomorrow. If not, I guess I'll be rescheduled for Thursday. I'd like to get it over with on Tuesday because we get home from Chicago on Monday and it would be nice to just get it over with the next day.

Even more exciting is that, once I detect that surge, I start counting and begin the estrogen patches 10 days later for IVF #6. It's starting to feel like this IVF is really going to happen and, yes, I'm getting excited for it!

Bad Blogger!

2008-07-26T11:28:00.002-04:00

I have been such a bad blogger lately. I've been reading a lot and commenting a lot (thank you ICLW!!), but, I haven't been posting in my own blog with the kind of frequency that I like.

I'm not sure why. Life has been a little overwhelming lately. Work has been extremely busy (in fact, I'm working today, or at least, should be, but, now is when I decided to write this post). We found out this week that Glenn has to have another angioplasty and stent put in. We're in the countdown to begin IVF #6! And, this week, my cat had to be put down. In the spirit of full disclosure, she only lived with me for 1 year and then with my parents for the next 11+ years, but, I still thought of her as my cat (even if nobody else did). I wondered, at one point, given the balance of her habitation location, how much I was really allowed to grieve.

Hmm, I just thought of something as I was typing those last lines. I wonder if women who give their children for adoption feel that way? I would imagine that many of them do. I left my cat with my parents because I took a job that required 100% travel and that wasn't fair for her. Many women who give their children to someone else to raise do so for similar reasons - to offer that child a better life. But, deep down, in a place they may not want to go too often, I would imagine they still think of that child as theirs.

I think maybe that's why open adoption, the trend in the US, scares me. I'm glad there are choices out there and, for some couples, open adoption is exactly what they want. But, for me, I don't think I want to "know" the woman who would think of my child as her own. I know that it sounds selfish, and we're not there yet, but, if we do end up pursuing adoption, I hope the option of closed adoptions still exists.

Wow, this post went in a completely different direction than I intended when I started writing it!

Barnes & Noble vs. Amazon

2008-07-21T15:29:00.004-04:00

I'm reading a blog today and the writer is talking about this book Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility. Frankly, I'm shocked that I haven't heard of it (OK, maybe I've been living under a rock for the last 6 months). So, I decided I needed to order it.

I went online to BN.com because I'm a member of their club and get a discount on all books. I added the book to my shopping cart and, being the good merchandiser they are, they recommended some other books that "You may also like". Here's what they recommended to me:

Managing Contraceptive Pill Patients
Contraceptive Technology with CD-ROM (apparently that's been my problem - I didn't have the CD to show me what I needed to do!)
Six Steps to Increased Fertility: An Integrated Mind/Body Program to Promote Conception
How to Get Pregnant

Is it just me, or do these books, or, at least, some of them, seem like strange recommendations to someone purchasing a book on understanding and coping with infertility?? Contraceptives? How to Get Pregnant? Um, I know how to get pregnant - it just doesn't work!

I was intrigued and decided to check out Amazon to see what they would offer. I added the same book to my cart there and here's what they recommended:

The Empty Picture Frame
Empty Womb, Aching Heart
Hannah's Hope: Seeking G-d's Heart in the Midst of Infertility
Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again
Conquering Infertility
I Am More Than My Infertility
When You Are Coping With Infertility
Infertility Sucks!
Laughin'fertility

Makes more sense, doesn't it? Not only did I purchase the intended book, I bought two others along with it.

Amazon wins.