Tagged!

The beautiful Emily at What to expect when you're NOT expecting has tagged me, so, here goes!

4 Things I did 10 Years Ago - 1998

1. At the end of 1997, I left NJ and moved to the DC area, so, 1998 was a year for me to explore my new home and learn to love DC even more than I already did.


2. I worked on a consulting project where the housing allowance was quite generous and I lived in a corporate apartment that cost half of what I was given. In 10 months I banked a lot off that project!


3. I had my one and only gym membership, because my company paid for it - and actually went every day!


4. Got stuck on an airplane on the tarmac for 13.5 hours on a flight that NEVER took off. The flight was supposed to be 50 minutes, from Newark to DC, so there was no food on the plane.

4 Things I did 5 Years Ago - 2003

1. New Year's Eve '03/'04 - decided I was done with the guy I'd been dating on and off for the previous year and a half. (ps - I met Glenn 3 weeks later!)


2. Decided to leave consulting, which required 100% travel, and took a local job. Best decision I made, except that I went to a lousy company (which I was only at for a little over a year, thank goodness).


3. Took a vacation after not taking one for years. I rented an ocean front beach house on Long Beach Island. It rained the entire week!


4. Decided to become a Big Sister. Went through the screening and was matched with a 12 year old girl. We still have a relationship today.

4 Things I did Yesterday

1. Woke to Glenn having breathing difficulty and rushed him to the ER


2. Spent 7 hours in the hospital to, thankfully, get a diagnosis of pneumonia


3. Made a kick-ass pot of chicken soup with matzah balls AND noodles!


4. Went to chorus rehearsal in the city and sang, almost nonstop, for 3 hours (we have a concert this Sunday, so it was an intense rehearsal).

4 TV Shows I Love to Watch

1. Lost


2. The Mets!


3. Jeopardy


4. All home improvement/selling your house shows!

4 Things I Love to Do

1. Sing


2. Read


3. Research and Plan (parties, vacations, holidays, day trips, etc....)


4. Spend time on the internet!

Now, I tag: Michelle, at Tales of an Infertile Woman, Melissa, at notes from the (formerly) infertile belly, Dagny, at Who is John Galt?, Bee Cee, at Definition of Insanity, and Maryann, at The Infertile Mommy.

That poor camel

I'm having a really rough day.

Glenn has pneumonia. Thankfully it was caught early and thankfully it didn't turn out to be something worse (not that pneumonia is anything to sneeze at). In reality, with all the stuff that keeps happening to us, this is really just a little blip, but, somehow, it caused me to spiral into a pit of self-pity today.

I don't even think it's the actual pneumonia. It was the scare again this morning, the seeing Glenn scared, the not knowing what it might be, the ride to the ER, the running through his medical history and the list of all of the meds he takes with yet another doctor, the EKG's and other tests, etc....

I think I was OK until they told us there was no congestive heart failure, only pneumonia, and told us we could go home, after IV antibiotics, a prescription, and a warning of what to watch out for. I'm struggling between being grateful that it wasn't something worse and falling deeper into this abyss of self-pity. I really do try to look for the positive, but, really, I have to ask, why does this stuff keep happening to us? I'm just tired - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like I have nothing left in me to give to anyone else. And, constantly waiting for that next shoe to drop certainly doesn't help, especially when you have some fears already about what the next shoe might possibly be.

I haven't talked about this yet, but, in addition to the infertility stuff, I have another medical thing of my own going on. I have to see a specialist and have some tests and, once I know more, I'll fill you all in.

So, I guess the pneumonia was the proverbial straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. That poor camel has carried a lot of weight for us the last few years (here's a rundown, if you're new to reading here). He needs a break. I think we both do.

Back from Atlantic City

Wow, I haven't posted since Tuesday. That's the longest break I've taken in a very long time and, you know what, I really needed it. Not only did I take a break from work, I think I took a bit of a break from infertility. Well, not really, because there were a ton of kids there and I couldn't help but be a little sad. But, for the first time in, well, probably in years, I didn't fire up a computer or check email for 3 whole days - and that included blogs and my infertility boards!!

I did miss the blogs I keep up on but, thanks to the beauty of Google Reader, I caught up on a ton of posts last night.

So, sorry things have been quiet from here, but, I was on a much-needed break and now I'm back! Oh, and I'm back a winner - even better!!

No place is safe, and that's OK....sorta

For those who don't know, I sing with a Yiddish chorus in NYC.

Shameless plug - our annual concert is coming up on Sunday, June 1st at Symphony Space in the city. If anyone local is interested in experiencing a culturally different music event than you've probably ever experienced before, let me know! Click here to check out our website!

Anyway, as you might expect, the chorus is composed of people of all ages, but, trends towards the "kids are already out of the house" generation (although we have had a resurgence of 20 somethings!). We rehearse on Monday evenings (so, last night) and, given the population, you would expect to not see many young kids at rehearsal.

Before I go on, I have to say that I absolutely love being around kids. Even though it sometimes feels like my heart is going to stop because the ache is so bad and I can't control the welling of the tears, I'm still drawn to the under-10 crowd and, interestingly, they are usually drawn to me. Ask my family - the adults will sit around the table talking while I'm usually on the floor playing with the kids, after being dragged from the table by one or two of them.

So, you can see where this is going. One of our members brought his daughter to rehearsal last night. Although it's hard for me, I actually love when there are unexpected kids at what otherwise should be a safe place - like when someone brings their child to work. Boy, am I a contradiction - I love it, even though it makes me sad. Maybe "glutton for punishment" is a better description.

She was around 4. She was in a pretty little dress and had ponytails. She was absolutely adorable. She sat right next to me. We "flirted" throughout rehearsal. She drew me a picture of a flower.

And then I cried on my way home because I realized that the only really safe place is home, the one place I want to see kids more than any other.

Milestones

Today marks the two year anniversary of our first RE appointment. Yes, we tried on our own for 11 months before that, but, I really look at the start of treatments as our real chance. Unlike many people who use OPK's and timed intercourse, then build up to clomid, then try clomid IUI's, then injectible IUI's, and, finally, IVF, we didn't take that route. We went right to IVF. Let's just say, it's been two long years of invasive, hopeful-only-to-have-your-heart-ripped-out-of-your-chest treatments BUT I believe I'm a stronger person for it because here I am, still standing on the other side of that two years!

Oh, and, yes, today is also my 39th birthday! Thus starts the countdown to 40!

All About Me......No, It's Not

I'll admit it. I have made all of this infertility stuff all about me. Sure, I know Glenn is involved and our families hurt that there are no new grandchildren (none at all on my side) and hurt for all that we've been through, but, still, in my mind, I've just let it be more about me. I think that changed a little yesterday.

We went to my friends' son's first birthday party and it was really a lovely party. I know, for some people, events like that are just too painful to attend. While they aren't a picnic for me, I've still been able to go to birthday parties and showers and bris', etc...

We walked in and the first thing I noticed was how many babies and toddlers there were. It was like a punch in my gut, but, I focused on my friends who were there and on their babies, who were adorable. I teared up a couple of times, but, my friends were wonderful! While I held their babies, they soothed me and said they understood how difficult this had to be and asked questions about our upcoming cycle with Dr. Expert.

Oh, I should say, before going on, that the mother of the birthday boy and my other friends there are all women I've met because of infertility, all women who have dealt with it themselves. I will always be grateful to this struggle because of the wonderful women I now get to call my friend.

Anyway, how did I realize it wasn't all about me? At one point, I looked around and saw five or so dads holding their beautiful babies, and then I saw Glenn and could sense his pain and his discomfort and my heart broke for him. He didn't know where to look or what to do, and my heart ached for him.....and for us.

Clinic C + Dr. Expert = One More Chance?

It was a good appointment. Since we've been through so much already, he had a lot of data and history to look at! First of all, I really liked and appreciated his honesty. He, like Dr. Hope, talked about donor being a very viable option and one that would greatly increase our chances. He also realized that, if we decided to cycle, we are probably looking at one more chance before going to donor. I just really appreciated that he didn't try to tell us that there are multiple things we should try and we should do them there blah blah blah.

But, he did say that they have a protocol that he does think can be successful. They have seen women in exactly my position - normal FSH, low ovarian reserve, several failed IVF's - who have had success. He thinks they can get to a minimum of 4-5 eggs, but is not counting out 7 or 8. But, what's really different is that he is looking at a two-pronged approach - more eggs AND increased embryo quality.

The protocol is called estrogen priming. I'll write more about it another day, but, basically, it involves using estrogen and ganirelix before the cycle begins to try to get more follicles, and, therefore, hopefully, more eggs. For simulation, he recommends 450 of Follistim PLUS 150 Menopur. I've always done the 450 Follistim, so, this adds even more drug to the mix! And, he said that this is a long, slow protocol. That's going to be a lot of needles!

As for improving quality, he recommends a process called co-culture. Basically, they do an endometrial biopsy, take some of your lining, and then, when they have fertilized embryos, rather than putting them just in a dish to develop, they lay them on this blanket of your lining. I'll write more about this after I do some reseach. It makes perfect sense to me - put the embryos in an environment closest to in the uterus and they will be happier than in a plastic dish. Their studies have shown it to improve embryo quality (mine have all had 20-30% fragmentation). In fact, their patients who have the greatest success with it are 38 and have 3.1 failed IVF's. OK, I'll be 39 on Monday, but, still, that's pretty darn close to describing me!!

Finally, he knows I've had 2 saline sonograms and the results of those were fine, but, given that I've now had 2 pregnancy losses, he wants to look a little closer and just make sure there's nothing else going on in my uterus that might be impeding a successful pregnancy (small fibroids, polyps, scar tissue - things that can't be seen in a saline sonogram). So, I'm scheduled for a hysteroscopy at the end of this month.

All in all, I'm encouraged! Of course, I would have loved to hear that he thinks he can get 15 eggs, but, I knew that wouldn't be the case and, frankly, I'd have been very suspect if he had said that. I think he's being very realistic - he thinks this new protocol can really work for me, as it has for many other women in my situation - but he was also very open about if we had to make the decision to convert to IUI he would do it and not take us to retrieval.

Basically, in his words, if this protocol doesn't work for me, work being defined as getting a decent number of eggs/embryos, he doesn't think anything will work and would then advise us to move to donor eggs, although he does really believe this can be successful.

So, some hope. I have a lot to take in and I'm sure I'll have a more "feelings-based" post coming soon, after this more clinical one. I'm off to research!