Options

Let me preface this by saying that I know how incredibly fortunate we are to have infertility insurance coverage. I can't see a way we would have been able to attempt 7 IVF's without coverage. Some of our cycles have been out-of-network and we have a high deductible and co-pays, so, we've still paid plenty over the last 2.5 years, but, I know that it doesn't compare to what couples paying completely out of pocket have paid.

We went into this last cycle knowing that, if it wasn't successful, we only had one covered cycle left. And, while it was easy for me to say that we would use that last cycle for a donor egg cycle, in reality, I just don't feel ready for that.

This past week was open enrollment in my company. We've been under Glenn's insurance for the last 2 years because it had much better infertility coverage than mine. Now that we only had 1 IVF left on his, it was time to explore mine. As it turns out, mine will give us enough coverage for 1 IVF, giving us a total of 2 more! I have to be dual covered, but, the dollars make sense, so, I signed up.

Now, for our options. First of all, we are done with Clinic C. The decision is practical, as my insurance requires in-network and they aren't. But, honestly, if we felt they offered any hope for us, we'd pay out of pocket. But, I think we've seen that this isn't the case, sadly.

So, first decision - try one more time with my eggs or move right to donor eggs? I know how much greater our chances are with donor eggs. I really do. And I know that it wouldn't take us long as we're already at the top of the donor list at Clinic A, so, if we go donor, we will go back to them. But, I also know that I'm just not ready to give up on the genetics thing. I'll explain more in my next post.

Second decision - if we decide to try one more time, where? We could go back to Clinic A, but, really, they pretty much wrote us off and told us they had nothing left to try. [Edited: "wrote us off" is a bit strong. Basically, they said they had no other protocols they would recommend, but, that we could keep cycling as long as we wanted to in the hopes of getting a good embryo. That's when we went to Clinic C, who had several other things for us to try.] I would talk to them about this last protocol and the fact that we got 5 eggs, but, who knows if they would be willing to try it. So, that leaves us with a big decision. Do we consider a new clinic, Clinic D? They are widely known as the best in the country (those of you in the IF world will know who I'm talking about). I am going to do a phone consultation with them and see what they say. Given that cycling with them requires travel three quarters of the way across the country, I'd have to sense a real reason to cycle there, but, I'll only know that after talking with them.

And, as my husband has been reminding me lately, neither of us is getting any younger.

Yes, we have options, but, lots to think about. Sometimes I wonder if not having options would be easier.....

Failure

IVF #7 is over.

My brain hurts. There are so many thoughts swirling around in there but most of them aren't real cogent yet. I'll address them as they present themselves. I wonder if this is my brain's way of protecting me from too much pain at once? I wish there was something similar to protect my heart and my soul.....

I have failed. I don't know why, but, people really get upset with me when I say that. But, it's true. I have failed. The objective is/was to have a baby. I don't have a baby. I have failed. If I haven't failed, who has?

Has science failed me?
Have the doctors failed me?
Has G-d failed me?

I guess it doesn't matter. I can't change science. I can't change G-d. I can change doctors again and that's one of those spinning thoughts that will fly out of my head at some point.

I do know that I have done everything in my power to try to make this work, but, that doesn't change anything. I am dying inside.

Digital says Pregnant

...with a big, mocking, negating Not in front of it....

I was going to post a picture of it with my nail covering the word Not, trying to get a feeling of what it would look like if it just said Pregnant, but, really, who amongst us hasn't tried that?

Beta is tomorrow and, like the election, I won't officially call it until we have the final numbers, but, it's very clear what the outcome will be. I know how many of you out there have been praying for us, and I can't even express what that means to me, but, there will be no last minute miracles here, and I'm not holding out for one.

I have so much to say, but, I just can't open those floodgates yet......beware, it's coming.....

Detached

It's been a while since I've written, but, honestly, I don't really have anything substantive to say. I've been feeling very detached this cycle. Numb. I'm really trying not to obsess about every "symptom" or lack thereof, but, seriously, if I squeeze my boobs one more time in public to see if they still hurt (it's the only tangible symptom I have and it's not really much of one), someone is going to arrest me for public indecency.

I have had some cramping, but, honestly, that could mean 10 different things.

I'm simply trying to stay even keel and not think about any of it too much. See, if I start to think about it, my mind eventually goes to the inevitability of failure and, well, trust me, nobody is ready to see the flood of emotions that will follow.

I'm just doing what I can to stay positive, despite the nagging feelings of doubt that keep creeping in. Eh, we'll all know soon enough, right?

Apples don't always equal apples

Apples come in different sizes, different shapes, different colors, and different tastes. Additionally, you may look at two apples and, although you can't tell just by looking at them, one may be much older and have traveled a more difficult path than the other.

As most of you know, out of our 5 eggs, only 2 fertilized. We are very fortunate that both lived to transfer and were put into me yesterday. And, while I have been struggling greatly the last few days, I have so appreciated all of the positive and supportive comments from everyone, bot here and in other parts of my life. The encouragement I've been getting and continue to receive is truly overwhelming. So, I don't want it to sound too negative when I say that apples don't always equal apples. I know that I have two embryos in me. I know that it only takes one. I have every bit of hope that the one that I need is in me now.

But, my two just don't give me great odds, and I know that. 6 cycles ago they might have, but, they don't now. I'm just being realistic. When 3 extremely respected RE's all tell you, independent of one another, that they would put SIX embryos back into you if you had them, just to give you better odds, well, how can you not extrapolate from that the reduced odds of 2?

I in no way blame Clinic C because nobody promised us anything, and I really have no idea what would have happened if we hadn't been there with them, however, it really saddens me that all of the reasons we decided to cycle with Clinic C, in spite of the added cost and inconvenience, didn't pan out for us.

• Estrogen Priming Protocol - this was designed for people with ovarian reserve issues and people have had great success with it, except me, who only produced 1 damn follicle on the protocol
• Co-culture - if we couldn't produce more eggs, at least the co-culture was supposed to help improve the quality of the resulting embryos. Well, we ended up with 20-25% fragmentation in both of them, exactly the same as I had with Clinic A without co-culture
• World renowned lab - not that this was ever a problem for us before, but, it was nice to know they had it. Well, their world renowned lab had 5 "mature and beautiful" eggs (per the RE) to work with and, with ICSI, could only get 2 to fertilize. For others this isn't surprising, but, in my previous cycles, every mature egg I got fertilized, so, this was another huge disappointment

Anyway, as I said, I have hope, realistic hope, that one of these babies is THE one, and I will continue to have that hope as long as there's still a reason to. I'm struggling to keep myself focused on that because, if I allow myself to start thinking about the what if's, well, we don't want to go there just yet because it won't be pretty.....

Anybody want to move to NYC with me?

As most of you know, I'm now working with a large practice in NYC, but, prior to that, was with a large practice in NJ. Throughout the 4 months I've been with the NYC clinic, I've observed something interesting, but, it was confirmed to me yesterday.

Plus-sized women in NYC do not experience infertility.

Sounds ridiculous, right? Let me elaborate.

In the NJ practice waiting room, you would see women of all shapes and sizes = short, tall, slender, zaftig, etc...

From the day I entered the waiting room of NYC clinic, I noticed something different. Every woman in that waiting room was thin and beautiful! I would sit in my chair and watch them come off the elevator and, I swear, one was more modelesque than the next!

Cut to my retrieval yesterday.

Quick story break - We got 5 eggs, which is 1 more than I've ever had, so, we're pretty happy. We'll find out how many were good and fertilized later today, but, I already feel a little ahead in the race.

Anyway, this practice does their retrievals across the street at the hospital, where everyone scheduled for the day comes into the same waiting room and an attendant gives you a brown paper bag with your attire for the day already in it. When we got there, the attendant took me into the back to show me where to change and asked if I'd like a larger gown. Having observed that the models in the waiting room who were already changed were wearing scrub pants that looked like they had been tailored for their size 4 frames, I quickly agreed. By the way, even without makeup, they all still looked gorgeous, like they were waiting to get their hair and makeup done for a runway show.

Anyway, she told me it would take a few minutes because, and I quote (she was very nice, by the way!!), "I'm not sure where they keep the larger gowns because we get someone over a size 14 in here maybe once a month!"

Really?? Maybe once a month??

So, I conclude, plus-sized women don't experience infertility in NYC.

OK, so maybe my logic is tad flawed, but, I'm willing to move to the city to test it out. Does anyone want to join me?! ;-)

Cycle Update

I've been pretty quiet this cycle, but, I'm not really sure why. I think, after each ultrasound, I was encouraged, but, afraid to post anything, only to have that hope ripped away at the next ultrasound, and, subsequently, have to post that. But, I think maybe, just maybe, I've turned a corner and feel fairly confident that this cycle is going to make it to retrieval!

Here's where we are, as of today - 11.2, 13, 13, 14, 15,8. And, the doctor who did today's ultrasound said that she "thinks" there might even be another follicle on the right side, but, she didn't know for sure. Because of my fibroids, my right ovary is very difficult to visualize, so, she couldn't get a good enough image to measure. This is where the difference of experience becomes pretty evident. More seasoned RE's, while always commenting about my tricky right side, seem to get there pretty quickly, while, the younger, less experienced RE's dig around for awhile and don't always get a good image.

The other amazing thing, in addition to a possible 6th follicle, is that, in 8 previous injectable cycles, I have NEVER produced more than 1 follicle in my right ovary and, here we are with 2 and a possible 3rd!

All of that said, I can't say this cycle is any better than my best cycle, but, it's just as good and sure as heck better than my last one and I'm really encouraged that we're going to go to retrieval with 5 or, dare I even hope, 6 follicles!

Estimated retrieval is Monday.......estimated......assuming everything continues progressing along this same path.....an assumption I'm almost ready to accept!