Thank you for all the comments on my last post. It is so helpful to know that I'm not the only one who experiences envy on a semi-regular basis.
But, I cannot believe I forgot the biggest one.....the one that causes me to have such pangs of envy that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.
I am so very envious of every mother who has a child from her own egg. And, like others commented on my previous post, I don't think these feelings of envy will ever go away.
It's difficult to talk about this because I never, ever want anyone to think that I consider this pregnancy as anything less than the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life. But, I will admit, it doesn't remove the grief of not continuing my family's genetics. It lessens it, but, doesn't eliminate it. In fact, while most of my heart and mind and soul know that we made the decision to move on to donor eggs at the right time, after 7 IVF attempts, there's a part of me that still wonders and, I suspect, will always wonder if we should have continued trying....if maybe, just maybe, the next cycle would have been the one to produce a healthy pregnancy from my egg.
Now that I'm firmly ensconced in the joy of this pregnancy, I'm finding myself thinking about this more and more. And, again, while I still struggle with it and will, most likely, never know the reason why things happened this way, I try to take comfort in my belief that this is the way it's supposed to be. I have to believe there is a greater reason that G-d wanted a child brought to this world made from DNA supplied by Glenn and our donor, but, raised with the values and traditions that I hold so dear.
For those who don't believe that things happen for a reason, I respect your opinion, but, I don't hold the same. I HAVE to believe that there's a reason for this and that it's not just random. Maybe it helps assuage the guilt I feel at not continuing my family's genetic lines. Maybe it helps make sense of something that seems so senseless. Maybe it's simply what I was brought up to believe and I hold true to it, albeit blindly. I'm not sure, but, regardless, I will hold on to the elusive concept of a "reason", even if I'm never privy to what that reason is.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
I still have green eyes
Wow, I haven't written in a long time. I'm sorry!! Work was insane last week (in the office until 2:30 in the morning one night) and I've been feeling really tired.
Anyway....I seemed to have this misconception about pregnancy. I really thought that my eye color would change. I was hoping that my eyes would go back to the brownish-greenish-hazel color they used to be, but, to my surprise, they have remained a singular, bright shade of green - the green of envy.
Before going any further, let me throw out a couple of definitions. These may not be technically correct, but, they are my definitions. In my mind:
Envy = You have something that I'm glad you have, but, I wish I could have it also
Jealousy = You have something, but, I wish I had it INSTEAD of you
So, when I talk about envy, it's not in a mean light. It just means that I wish that I could join you.
OK, that said, I really thought that being pregnant would make me feel less envious, but, sadly, I think the feeling has actually increased. I don't know why, but, I suspect it's because what I've so longed to have for so long is now within my grasp, so, it's more real, if that makes any sense. So, two years ago, when people around me were having babies, I really wanted the same thing, but, failed cycle after failed cycle made it seem so far away.
Now, I find myself having these feelings even more than I did then. And, the scope of my desire has broadened. I find myself envious of:
Women further along in pregnancy than I am
Women who will have their big ultrasound at 17, 18, or 19 weeks, when I have to wait until 21 weeks
Moms with babies
Moms with toddlers
Moms getting their kids ready for camp
Moms planning birthday parties
Moms with twins (that's a post for another day)
Moms trying for their second
The one that continually surprises me is my reaction to seeing other pregnant women. I see their beautiful bellies or hear them talking about delivering this summer and it almost hurts inside. I think that what's happening is that it is sparking fears I have that, although I'm pregnant now, that I may not make it to where they are, and I think that makes me wish more that I was at that stage already.
Remember, if you are one of these people, please don't take this the wrong way because I am so happy for you!!! I just wish that I was where you are and hope that my eye color will fade as I get further along in this pregnancy.....
Anyway....I seemed to have this misconception about pregnancy. I really thought that my eye color would change. I was hoping that my eyes would go back to the brownish-greenish-hazel color they used to be, but, to my surprise, they have remained a singular, bright shade of green - the green of envy.
Before going any further, let me throw out a couple of definitions. These may not be technically correct, but, they are my definitions. In my mind:
Envy = You have something that I'm glad you have, but, I wish I could have it also
Jealousy = You have something, but, I wish I had it INSTEAD of you
So, when I talk about envy, it's not in a mean light. It just means that I wish that I could join you.
OK, that said, I really thought that being pregnant would make me feel less envious, but, sadly, I think the feeling has actually increased. I don't know why, but, I suspect it's because what I've so longed to have for so long is now within my grasp, so, it's more real, if that makes any sense. So, two years ago, when people around me were having babies, I really wanted the same thing, but, failed cycle after failed cycle made it seem so far away.
Now, I find myself having these feelings even more than I did then. And, the scope of my desire has broadened. I find myself envious of:
Women further along in pregnancy than I am
Women who will have their big ultrasound at 17, 18, or 19 weeks, when I have to wait until 21 weeks
Moms with babies
Moms with toddlers
Moms getting their kids ready for camp
Moms planning birthday parties
Moms with twins (that's a post for another day)
Moms trying for their second
The one that continually surprises me is my reaction to seeing other pregnant women. I see their beautiful bellies or hear them talking about delivering this summer and it almost hurts inside. I think that what's happening is that it is sparking fears I have that, although I'm pregnant now, that I may not make it to where they are, and I think that makes me wish more that I was at that stage already.
Remember, if you are one of these people, please don't take this the wrong way because I am so happy for you!!! I just wish that I was where you are and hope that my eye color will fade as I get further along in this pregnancy.....
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Time to shop!
I was introduced to the doppler at the OB this morning. Can't say I liked it very much. First of all, I like my ultrasounds because I want to see the baby! Second, the ultrasound is conclusive - there's the baby, there's the heartbeat. The doctor today could not find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler.
Now, amazingly, I did not panic. I don't know why. I just somehow knew that everything was OK. So, off to the ultrasound room we went, where, yes, the baby still has a beating heart. I was disappointed that she didn't measure the baby, but, I'll assume, at this point, that a beating heart, coupled with my good results from my first tri screening, are enough.
I always hear other people compare their baby to a gymnast or acrobat. I'm not sure why, but, we've seen very little movement at our last two ultrasounds. As it turns out, they were both at the same time of day, before I had really eaten anything, and the doctor thinks we're just hitting a resting time. OK, if they aren't worried, I won't worry either. Well, I won't worry much....
Anyway, the growing belly has been somewhat evened out by the 12 pounds I've lost, but, I'm reaching a point where I think some maternity clothes would be a good thing, if only psychologically! I said that, if today's appointment was good, I would begin shopping. So, it's time to spend a little money!
Now, amazingly, I did not panic. I don't know why. I just somehow knew that everything was OK. So, off to the ultrasound room we went, where, yes, the baby still has a beating heart. I was disappointed that she didn't measure the baby, but, I'll assume, at this point, that a beating heart, coupled with my good results from my first tri screening, are enough.
I always hear other people compare their baby to a gymnast or acrobat. I'm not sure why, but, we've seen very little movement at our last two ultrasounds. As it turns out, they were both at the same time of day, before I had really eaten anything, and the doctor thinks we're just hitting a resting time. OK, if they aren't worried, I won't worry either. Well, I won't worry much....
Anyway, the growing belly has been somewhat evened out by the 12 pounds I've lost, but, I'm reaching a point where I think some maternity clothes would be a good thing, if only psychologically! I said that, if today's appointment was good, I would begin shopping. So, it's time to spend a little money!
Friday, June 19, 2009
June 19th
June 19, 2005 - As I write this, four years ago, right now, Glenn and I and the people who stood up for us were lining up, waiting to be announced into our wedding reception! It took me until my mid-30's to meet the man that I hoped to spend the rest of my life with and, as we began this wonderful day in our lives, I did so with such hopes and dreams for the future that this would only be the first of so many momentous occasions.
Earlier in the week, as I dropped some things off at the reception hall, I saw that they were setting up for a very large bris the next day. I thought about the bris' or baby namings of our future children and it reaffirmed my feelings that we would conceive a honeymoon baby. I just so naively always thought that would happen.
June 19, 2006 - I took my first birth control pill this day. How counterproductive this seemed to getting pregnant, but, it was the first step in getting ready for our first IVF. The next day was my cousin H's wedding and I remember feeling like, as we celebrated this wonderful new beginning for her and P, that I had this little secret. See, again naively, in my mind, kicking-off IVF equated to being pregnant already. I just "knew" that, by our next anniversary, we'd have a baby.
June 19, 2007 - This one doesn't really stand out for me. The first half of the year had been awful. We lost my uncle and then we lost Glenn's uncle. We had 3 attempted IVF's under our belt and had decided to pursue donor eggs. We had such hopes for the second half of this year, and our 3rd year of marriage, to be wonderful. We had no idea what was in store for us.
June 19, 2008 - I won't rehash all the terrible things that happened in the year leading up to our 3rd anniversary, but, suffice it to say, it was the hardest year of our lives. Five days earlier was our unfulfilled due date from the pregnancy we lost in the fall. Needless to say, this was a tough anniversary.
And, now, here we are, June 19, 2009 - our 4th anniversary. While we have no idea what the future will bring us, for maybe the first time since June 19, 2005, I'm content with and love my present! I wake up every day, in our new home, with new life growing inside of me, next to the man without whom I wouldn't be here...........yes, the present is pretty wonderful!
And, I have such hope, perhaps no longer naively, though, for our 5th year!
Earlier in the week, as I dropped some things off at the reception hall, I saw that they were setting up for a very large bris the next day. I thought about the bris' or baby namings of our future children and it reaffirmed my feelings that we would conceive a honeymoon baby. I just so naively always thought that would happen.
June 19, 2006 - I took my first birth control pill this day. How counterproductive this seemed to getting pregnant, but, it was the first step in getting ready for our first IVF. The next day was my cousin H's wedding and I remember feeling like, as we celebrated this wonderful new beginning for her and P, that I had this little secret. See, again naively, in my mind, kicking-off IVF equated to being pregnant already. I just "knew" that, by our next anniversary, we'd have a baby.
June 19, 2007 - This one doesn't really stand out for me. The first half of the year had been awful. We lost my uncle and then we lost Glenn's uncle. We had 3 attempted IVF's under our belt and had decided to pursue donor eggs. We had such hopes for the second half of this year, and our 3rd year of marriage, to be wonderful. We had no idea what was in store for us.
June 19, 2008 - I won't rehash all the terrible things that happened in the year leading up to our 3rd anniversary, but, suffice it to say, it was the hardest year of our lives. Five days earlier was our unfulfilled due date from the pregnancy we lost in the fall. Needless to say, this was a tough anniversary.
And, now, here we are, June 19, 2009 - our 4th anniversary. While we have no idea what the future will bring us, for maybe the first time since June 19, 2005, I'm content with and love my present! I wake up every day, in our new home, with new life growing inside of me, next to the man without whom I wouldn't be here...........yes, the present is pretty wonderful!
And, I have such hope, perhaps no longer naively, though, for our 5th year!
Friday, June 12, 2009
One big test down
Yesterday was my 1st tri screening and nuchal. My appointment was at 9:30 and they said to drink 24 oz of water 30 minutes before the appointment time, which I dutifully did. Then I got there and saw other women drinking there - boy, I was the dumb one!
First we met with the genetic counselor. I was prepared. I brought the genetic family breakdown we already had on our donor, so, we were ahead of the game. We went through Glenn's family, which we'd also already done, and discussed a few more tests for Glenn (they've added tests to the Jewish panel since we did it in 2006).
Then we went in for the ultrasound. She found the heartbeat right away, so, I relaxed a little. As I've said on here before, my fibroids really mess with their ability to get a good picture and, for this one, they had to get a good enough picture to actually measure the fluid in the back of the neck. Oh, the ultrasound tech, Jessica, really beat me up. Between the full bladder and how hard she had to press on my pelvic bone, it was pretty painful. I'm actually bruised today. But, she got what she needed.
Then we had to wait for the doctor to come in, who of course, was delayed. Seriously, in the time we waited, I could have gone to the bathroom, pounded water, and re-filled my bladder. Anyway, the doctor came in and immediately told us that the fluid in the neck was fine, so, no concerns there. Whew!! We'll get the blood test results back in a week, but, for now, everything looks good. The baby was measuring 13w exactly and has a nice, strong heartbeat.
And, here's the pic from yesterday. I know most of you have better pictures from weeks earlier than 13 weeks. Add to that the fact that I still don't have my scanner set up and took this with my phone and the pic is even worse, but, it's my baby and I couldn't be more in love!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Listening Skills
I don't know how else to say it other than to just come out and say it, so, here goes....
Life is really good right now......really good.
There, I said it. I'm looking above me and there is no big shoe waiting to fall on my head. I'm looking around and there are no ninjas waiting to attack me.
As a result, I feel kind of boring. Who wants to talk about good things all the time, lol? But, that's what I have. We've moved into our new house. The painting was finished last week and looks great! We're having fun furniture shopping and decorating. I had a rough couple weeks of work, culminating in an all-nighter and 2+ hour drive the next morning, but, I got through it and, coincidentally, had planned a 3 day Atlantic City trip which began the next day. I'm a hop, skip, and jump away from being in my 2nd trimester and, although I felt fine for 12 weeks, I've started feeling some nausea, which I totally welcome because it tells me that things are moving along.
See, all good stuff!
And, to add to it all, I had a surprise birthday party yesterday! My family, Glenn's family, and my best friend and her family (my other BF couldn't be there because her daughter was sick and she didn't want to bring stomach virus anywhere near this pregnant lady!). It was such a surprise (as it was a month after my actual birthday!) and such a wonderful day!
At the end of the evening, I got up and thanked everyone. The lead up to my 40th was pretty harrowing for Glenn. I've been telling him for a year that, if I wasn't pregnant, I did not want to celebrate this birthday. Then, I became pregnant, but, it was so early and tenuous. But, my family persevered and planned something wonderful for me!
Anyway, as I was saying all of this, I made a statement along the lines of "and G-d finally listened to our prayer". As I laid in bed last night, sleep alluding me, I realized that this statement really bothered me. I have always felt that G-d listened to my prayers. My beef with him was not that he wasn't listening, but, that I didn't understand why he wasn't responding. And, I finally got it. It's not that G-d wasn't listening to our prayers. And, it's not that he wasn't responding. The problem was that, while I was hearing his response, I just wasn't listening to his response. The donor egg message was there, loud and clear, for a long time and I chose to push it to the side and continue along the path I was going. Now, that doesn't mean that I regret that decision. Quite the contrary - I truly believe that I had to go through each of those steps to get to where I am today. But, now that I'm here, I truly know that G-d guided me to this place, even if it took some detours to get here.
Life is really good right now......really good.
There, I said it. I'm looking above me and there is no big shoe waiting to fall on my head. I'm looking around and there are no ninjas waiting to attack me.
As a result, I feel kind of boring. Who wants to talk about good things all the time, lol? But, that's what I have. We've moved into our new house. The painting was finished last week and looks great! We're having fun furniture shopping and decorating. I had a rough couple weeks of work, culminating in an all-nighter and 2+ hour drive the next morning, but, I got through it and, coincidentally, had planned a 3 day Atlantic City trip which began the next day. I'm a hop, skip, and jump away from being in my 2nd trimester and, although I felt fine for 12 weeks, I've started feeling some nausea, which I totally welcome because it tells me that things are moving along.
See, all good stuff!
And, to add to it all, I had a surprise birthday party yesterday! My family, Glenn's family, and my best friend and her family (my other BF couldn't be there because her daughter was sick and she didn't want to bring stomach virus anywhere near this pregnant lady!). It was such a surprise (as it was a month after my actual birthday!) and such a wonderful day!
At the end of the evening, I got up and thanked everyone. The lead up to my 40th was pretty harrowing for Glenn. I've been telling him for a year that, if I wasn't pregnant, I did not want to celebrate this birthday. Then, I became pregnant, but, it was so early and tenuous. But, my family persevered and planned something wonderful for me!
Anyway, as I was saying all of this, I made a statement along the lines of "and G-d finally listened to our prayer". As I laid in bed last night, sleep alluding me, I realized that this statement really bothered me. I have always felt that G-d listened to my prayers. My beef with him was not that he wasn't listening, but, that I didn't understand why he wasn't responding. And, I finally got it. It's not that G-d wasn't listening to our prayers. And, it's not that he wasn't responding. The problem was that, while I was hearing his response, I just wasn't listening to his response. The donor egg message was there, loud and clear, for a long time and I chose to push it to the side and continue along the path I was going. Now, that doesn't mean that I regret that decision. Quite the contrary - I truly believe that I had to go through each of those steps to get to where I am today. But, now that I'm here, I truly know that G-d guided me to this place, even if it took some detours to get here.
Monday, June 1, 2009
All's Quiet on the Southern Front
Wow, it's been a long time since I've written. I don't really have much in the way of an update and work has been kicking my butt so I haven't had time to "think" really about anything else that might turn into a blog post. I'm really just keeping my head above the water. In fact, I have no business even spending 10 minutes writing this post as it's going to be a VERY long night of work. Good thing that Wednesday-Friday Glenn has a CPA convention in Atlantic City and I'm going down for some much needed R&R!
As I said, no real update. I did see the OB again last week and everything was fine with the baby. I had my first outside the body ultrasound. Truth be told, I prefer the vaginal ones. Because of my fibroids, I still don't get a great image, but, it's better from the inside than the outside. It was really weird to walk into the exam room and not strip from the waist down!
I'm working really hard on trying to believe that, from day to day, there's still a live baby down there (get it? the southern front?), but, I'll admit, it's not easy. But, I'm trying and I can't do more than that, right?
My OB is awesome! I'm not seeing the high risk docs for my first tri screening until the 11th (I'll be 13w2d) so my OB told me last week that, if I wanted to, I could come back to him again this week for another ultrasound, I could! As it turns out, because of my work schedule and going out of town I can't get there this week, but, honestly, as worried as I am and as much as I LOVE seeing that squirming baby, it will be good for me to not run back there this week.
One personal note (OK, it's my blog, so I guess they are all personal notes) to "R", who may be reading this - Glenn and I are so happy for you and "J" and look forward to sharing the next 6 months with you!!
As I said, no real update. I did see the OB again last week and everything was fine with the baby. I had my first outside the body ultrasound. Truth be told, I prefer the vaginal ones. Because of my fibroids, I still don't get a great image, but, it's better from the inside than the outside. It was really weird to walk into the exam room and not strip from the waist down!
I'm working really hard on trying to believe that, from day to day, there's still a live baby down there (get it? the southern front?), but, I'll admit, it's not easy. But, I'm trying and I can't do more than that, right?
My OB is awesome! I'm not seeing the high risk docs for my first tri screening until the 11th (I'll be 13w2d) so my OB told me last week that, if I wanted to, I could come back to him again this week for another ultrasound, I could! As it turns out, because of my work schedule and going out of town I can't get there this week, but, honestly, as worried as I am and as much as I LOVE seeing that squirming baby, it will be good for me to not run back there this week.
One personal note (OK, it's my blog, so I guess they are all personal notes) to "R", who may be reading this - Glenn and I are so happy for you and "J" and look forward to sharing the next 6 months with you!!
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