It's funny how the mind can play games on you. Even when you know something can't be true, the mind still, somehow, lets you believe there's a possibility. There is no way I can be pregnant this month. None. Nada. Negative. Can't possibly be, trust me, Glenn's heart attack means nothing happened this month that could result in pregnancy!
Yet, each day that goes by, my mind thinks, hmmm, maybe they were wrong. Maybe that last IVF really did work and, even though the beta was negative, well, maybe it was just a late implanter. Maybe it floated around in there for weeks and just now decided to grow. Maybe I'm an anomaly of science and all that the medical world knows about how pregnancy starts was wrong......
OK, OK, back to reality. I know it's not true. I know it can't be. There's just no way.
BUT, wouldn't it be wonderful..............
In other news, I needed something new, something fresh. So, I let my stylist color my hair this funky new color yesterday. It's a darker brown than what I've had, called Brown Chili Pepper, and it has these red, really red, streaks through it. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but, I straightened my hair today and I think I LOVE it!! Those who know me know that major hair color changes are extremely daring for me! Like I said, time for a change. Yea, me!!
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I've come to the realization that having faith means you have to accept that you may never know "why" things happen. Well, it ain't easy! So, my hope is that writing about my feelings will help me make as much sense of life as I can!
About Me
- Lisa
- New Jersey
- Hi, thanks for visiting! I'm very open about my long struggle with infertility. My theory is that, by putting yourself out there, you can help others and learn from anyone willing to open up to you! So, feel free to ask me anything you want and tell me about your experiences!
Hey, I'd like to follow along!
Infertility History
- Here's a high-level account of our cycle history. I can elaborate on any of these steps if anyone has any questions (i.e., over-supressing due to drug mistake, my acupuncture experience, the process of getting on the egg donor list, etc...)
- May '06 - First met with RE
- August '06 - IVF #1, antagon protocol, PREGNANT, ectopic resolved with methotrexate
- October '06 - IVF #2, microflare protocol, medication error, over-supressed, converted to IUI #1, negative, diagnosed with Ovarian Reserve Issues
- January '07 - started acupuncture, body stopped ovulating for 2.5 months
- March '07 - IVF #3, microflare protocol, cancelled due to lack of production, stopped acupuncture
- April '07 - Went for second opinion. Doctor concurred with diagnosis and treatment recommendations of first clinic
- May '07 - Passed donor prep cycle, put our names on the egg donor list (matched twice during IVF #4 but we declined since we got pregnant)
- August '07 - IUI #2 (not enough eggs to do IVF), straight Follistim, negative
- September/October '07 - IVF #4, straight Follistim, PREGNANT, m/c at 7 weeks, D&C
- Feb' 08 - IVF #5, straight Follistim, negative
- May '08 - Met with a new RE and put a gameplan in place to do IVF #6 in August!
- August '08 - IVF #6, Estrogen Priming protocol, only produced 1 follicle, converted to IUI #3, negative
- October '08 - IVF #7, co-flare protocol, negative
- January '09 - phone consultation with THE expert. He validated that we'd done every protocol and technique and should move on to donor egg
- February '09 - matched and accepted egg donor. Preparing for DE IVF...
- March '09 - DE cycle, 23 eggs retrieved, 3 embryos transferred, 1 frozen
- April '09 - pregnant! 2 sacs seen, but, only one developed
- December '09 - our beautiful daughter was born, making us a family of three!
- And, just to complete the picture, some of the other things that happened during our IF struggle
5 comments:
Stop thinking negatively. That's what I did...and even though I was right....I really don't think it's the way to go. I completely understand that expecting the worst is easiest when you do get a negative....but you need to remain hopeful. In the meantime, you should do something daring like a new hair color. It'll make you feel better. Believe me I completely understand how you feel. I've been there...and truly am still there.
I hope to God..that you soon have your little baby.
I would love to see the new hair pics!
I do the same thing Lisa. There is absolutely ZERO chance of me being PG but I still frequently think something could be a 'sign' of it... then I catch myself. I think we got so used to reading our bodies, analyzing every little twinge, it just never really stops.
I want to see the hair, I bet it looks awesome. I love changing up the hair, always perks me up. :)
Congratulations on the hair change!
I am always thinking I'm pregnant, even though I know there isn't a chance.
I would love to see a picture of the hair! I bet it looks great!!
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