Thursday, November 26, 2009

What I'm most thankful for this year

This time, last year, our 7th IVF failed. It may, possibly, have been the lowest point in my life. We decided to go for a 4th opinion, to CCRM, but couldn't schedule the phone consult until January. The end of 2008 was just such a low time.

Then, after 3 terrible years of terrible things happening in our families, along came 2009. First of all, we finally sold our house in early January, after 16 months on the market, and bought our forever house. Then, we had our CCRM phone consult, where we were told that we had done everything there was to do and there was nothing else to try and we should re-consider DE (which we had previously considered).

Now, some might think that was a bad message, but, in a bizarre way, it wasn't. Through the graces of G-d, I was finally ready to hear that message. That's not to say that the decision to use DE was easy or that I won't always wonder if "just one more" might have been the IVF that would have produced my genetic child.

But, I truly could not be more thankful today to G-d for helping me make that very difficult decision, maybe the most difficult one of my life, but the very decision that has directly resulted in the incredible joy of feeling this baby dancing inside of me, days away from, through his grace, joining us on the outside!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Things are picking up around here

Unfortunately, it's my blood pressure that has been picking up......

Started Sunday night. I've been checking my pressure 4x a day since May. Suddenly, Sunday night, it went way, way up. It was still really high Monday morning, so, I called the OB, went in, and it was still high in the office. So, they sent me to the hospital for monitoring. Everyone - the OB I saw that morning, the OB I saw in the hospital, the nurses, Glenn and I - everyone thought I was going to be admitted and have the baby today. Surprise! When they hooked me up, my BP's were back to normal!

They did, however, find some protein in my urine. So, they sent me home, on bedrest, and doing a 24 hour urine collection.

I had a perinatologist appointment this morning and my BP's were high again, but, when I laid down, they come down, so, as long as they are low when I'm laying, they are not ready to make the delivery decision.

However, all of the doctors agree that, since we are 37 weeks today (full term!!!), if there is any reason to move forward, it's a no-brainer and we still think there's a strong possibility it could happen this week. It's really going to come down to what my 24 hour urine collection shows tomorrow. I'm fairly certain it's going to show protein. I pounded water before I got to the doctor today, so, when I produced a sample, it was really light and there was no protein, but, I think that's because it processed through me fast. Before leaving the office, I had to go and collected it because I needed it for my jug. Since I had already collected it, I decided to dip it while I was still in the bathroom and it did show a trace of protein. So, I'm pretty sure the whole sample will show some. IF it does, and if it's enough, I'm fairly certain they'll bring me in and deliver me this week, maybe even on Thanksgiving!

This is all "maybe", but, well, we're all ready to just meet this baby already, so, a girl can hope, can't she?!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Separation Anxiety

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your comments on my last post!! I've really missed you all and you all made me feel so happy to be back!!!

As we get closer and closer to our due date, I find myself feeling wistful and sad at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. I absolutely cannot wait for this little girl to be here, and, in many ways, can't relax until she is here and I know she safe and healthy. But, I have truly enjoyed being pregnant. I love the little secret world that only she and I live in, where she tells me when she's awake, hungry, enjoying the munchkins I'm eating, etc....! Part of me isn't ready to share that with anyone else. Plus, poor thing, I feel bad that she has to go from munchkins to formula!!

But, that's not the only separation anxiety I'm dealing with. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. Basically, my pelvic bones are separating, causing pain when my legs are uneven, such as walking, climbing stairs, getting in and out of the car, turning over in bed, etc.... Honestly, it's not too bad, more annoying. I started maternity leave this past Tuesday (yea!!!!) and, how ironic, that's the day this was diagnosed. I have a bunch of things - both inside and outside the house - I'm trying to get done, and this is just making it all a little more difficult.

But, it's really not too bad, at least not yet, and, I'm so close to delivering that, hopefully, it won't have time to get really bad!

The most important thing is that it, in now way, impacts the baby. She's doing great!!! The doctor this week said that she's so happy in there that she might come out in April, maybe May! But, she's getting ready. When they check my cervix (which isn't doing anything yet), they tell me that they can feel her head. Her head!!! We're just in a waiting game now!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Why I haven't been blogging...

The easy answer? I really don't know. I just haven't been doing it.

The more complicated answer? In a way, I kind of feel like I don't belong anywhere.

Glenn keeps reminding me that it's been a long time since I've written anything, which prompted me to really think about what's going on and why I haven't. And, I realized that I guess I just don't know what to talk about.

Let me explain. While I started this blog to be more than a chronicle of my infertility struggle, that's what it predominately became. And, that's OK. That was, for a long time, the main thing in my life that I found relief in writing about.

Then, after 8 IVF attempts, we finally found ourselves pregnant. And, I made a big deal of saying that, since that was what was going on in my life, I was going to continue writing, and, likely, about my pregnancy, especially my feelings about a donor egg pregnancy.

So, what happened? I guess I feel like I'm stuck between these two worlds - the world of infertility and the world of pregnancy. Infertility is and always will be a part of my life, but, I worry that, writing about my continued struggles with it will appear, I don't know, fake to those still in the trenches.

And, then there's being pregnant. So, here goes. I'll just say it. I LOVE being pregnant - likely because I've been BLESSED with a really easy pregnancy. I mean, really, really easy. No morning sickness. No bleeding. No weight gain. No swelling. No gestational diabetes. No scares. None.

So, I worry that the women still struggling with infertility won't want to hear about my continued struggles while I'm carrying a baby, something they long for. And I worry that the pregnant women, especially those who have struggled through their pregnancies, won't want to hear about my easy pregnancy (I mean, really, can you blame them??).

So, there it is. And, I hope that, by looking inside myself, analyzing my feelings, and putting them out there, I can now get past them and get back to blogging because, really, now that I'm writing this tonight, I realize how much I miss it!!

Now, I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on!