Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Back in September, I wrote a post wondering if it was possible to be happy and sad at the same time. I concluded that, yes, it is absolutely possible. Although the circumstances are different this time, interestingly, I'm feeling the same sort of mixed emotions.

Before going any further, I'm proud to announce that this is my 100th blog post! I'm not sure why 100 is a benchmark for celebration in the world of blogging, but, I am more than pleased to join in the revelry!

I started this blog for two reasons. The first was that I kept sending the same email to different people, letting them know the status, and, ultimately, the outcome of whatever cycle we were currently in and, well, I was tired of copying and pasting the same message over and over. So, not knowing if anyone would actually read, and not knowing there was a whole community of IF bloggers out here who would end up providing a level of support for which I'm eternally grateful, I started chronicling things here. The second reason, as described in the header above, was my hope that, by working through what I was going through in writing, I might find some order or reason or clarity in what we were going through and decisions we had to make.

So, it almost seems meant to be that today, with a major decision being reached, coincides with my 100th post.

We had our call today with Clinic D. I've been saying for weeks that I really didn't expect any miracles from this call, but, preparing for it and actually hearing it are two different things. Dr. Brilliant (that names seems almost comical, considering he had no words of wisdom for us, but, I know how much he has helped others so he has definitely earned the title!) said that we should be going with donor eggs at this point. He said that we have tried every protocol and technique that is out there for poor responders and, clearly, none of them have worked. He feels that it's always been related to egg quality, based on the fact that I didn't have any more success 2.5 years ago than I had 3 months ago. He felt that, even if I got pregnant again with my eggs, the chance of miscarriage is so high and, in his words, that's even harder than not getting pregnant in the first place (as many of us know). On the other hand, he puts my chances of conceiving and carrying to term with donor eggs at around 80% (we've now been told anywhere from 65-80%).

So, here's the contradiction in feelings. As you would imagine, I am devastated. When I think about the fact that, unless something very unexpected happens, I will not continue my family's genetic lines, I feel what can only be described as true heart ache. But, on the flip side, I have to admit that, mixed in with that grief is a great deal of relief. I now feel like I can move on with donor eggs knowing that I have done absolutely everything I could do. I actually called already today and reactivated us to the donor egg waitlist at Clinic A and, surprisingly, it feels like a very heavy weight has been lifted - the weight of indecision and unrequited hope.

With every unsuccessful cycle, I have felt, not like the cycle failed, but, like I failed. But, can you really say you've failed if you have done absolutely everything in your power but, due to circumstances beyond your control, you didn't achieve success? No, I don't think so, and, there's something to be said for, after 3.5 years TTC and 7 IVF attempts, finally not feeling like a failure.

And, tonight, this I am celebrating.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Erev Hope

In Judaism, Erev means "evening" and refers to the evening of a holiday (technically, it's the evening the holiday begins, since Jewish holidays begin at sundown).

Tomorrow is a day of hope, so, tonight is Erev Hope.

First of all, tomorrow is our call with Dr. Brilliant at Clinic D (for those of you who have guessed what clinic this is, yes, you are right!). Being totally honest, I really don't have any expectations of this call. My problem isn't really anything fixable. There are only so many protocols that exist to try to stimulate the development of the limited number of eggs I have. Tomorrow is the day of hope because I truly hope that Dr. Brilliant surprises me and has something worth trying, but, I'm not expecting that. Ask me on Thursday and I may answer this different, but, for now, I feel ready for whatever he might say and I'm beginning to plan for what we'll do on the flip side of the call. But, we'll talk about that in a couple of days!

Tomorrow is also the day of hope because we found a house that we love and our offer is going in tomorrow! We'll see what happens, but, it took us so long to sell our townhouse and get to this point, so, I'm excited and, well, have hope!

So, stay tuned and I'll fill you in on how the call goes and WHEN (not IF - see, I'm being optimistic!) our offer is accepted!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Playing dress-up

We had Glenn's family over for dinner last night to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday and to finish our Chanukah/Christmas celebration. It was a fun evening.

I love being around my nieces and nephews. Well, let me clarify that - I love my nieces and nephews, but, it's not always easy being around them. Spending time with my nieces is harder for me. The boys are 12 and 15 - 7 and 10 when I first met them. I love spending time with them and feel like I've been an influence on them, but, they were both a little older when I met them. That's not to say that there aren't times when I find myself sad being with them, but, it's not as baby oriented because they are older.

The girls, on the other hand, are 8 and almost 4. The older one was 3 when I first met her and the little one was born 3 months before our wedding. It's not that I don't love being with the girls, but, it is often quite difficult. It's even harder because, while the mother of the boys totally understands why it would be hard for me, but, mother of the girls doesn't get it at all. So, in front of her, I have to work harder to hide my sadness, which only makes it even more difficult. At one point last night, the 4 year old was sitting on Glenn's lap facing him and they were playing together and hugging. Nobody else in the room was paying attention to them, while I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It literally felt like someone put their hands around my heart and started squeezing. My sister-in-law would never understand that.

Anyway, my parents left and, a little while later, everyone else left, except my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and the girls. The 8 year old wanted to see my room, so we went upstairs, with the little one following. They started jumping on my bed. Let me tell you, the glee on the face of a 4 year old jumping on the bed may be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Then, the 8 year old went in my closet and saw my shoes and asked if she could try them on. Of course, her little sister joined her, and, next thing I knew, there were two little girls clomping around in my heels, and my sandals, and my boots, etc.... I grabbed some scarves and some purses and dressed them up further and they started dancing in front of the mirror and singing songs and my heart just melted.

When we came back down (with scarves and purses, but, sans shoes - little feet should not walk down the stairs in size 10's!) both my sister-in-law and her mother (who was up from Florida visiting) gave me the you-have-the-patience-of-someone-who-doesn't-have-children look and said something along the lines of "we don't let them do that" and "better at your house...".

I truly hope I NEVER feel that way.

Monday, January 12, 2009

On the horizon....

You know when you're on a big flat piece of land or water and you can look out and see the horizon and it feels like the world will just go on forever? I sort of feel that way a little bit now.

Have I neglected to mention here that I scheduled our phone consultation with Dr. Brilliant at Clinic D? Before going on, let's recap for those who don't remember:

Clinic A - Dr. Hope
Clinic B - I never named the doctor there because I didn't end up cycling there as she validated everything Dr. Hope was doing, but, let's call her Dr. Encouragement
Clinic C - Dr. Expert
Clinic D - Dr. Brilliant

The call will be at the end of January, and, I'm really looking forward to it. I really have no idea what to expect. I have sent them, I swear, a 3 inch stack of paper that comprises my infertility medical records, plus I have records being sent from some extraneous doctors. I am not naive enough to believe that he is going to have the magic potion that will suddenly make me produce 10 healthy eggs, but, well, let's just wait and see.

However, I think I'm getting much closer to, if we do not cycle at Clinic D, being ready to go the donor egg route. And, I think that is giving me a little sense of peace.

I guess finally being close to selling my house has given me a renewed sense of optimism about good things happening for us.

I look out at our horizon and I feel hopeful!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Starting the year off right? Can it be??

I'm so hesitant to put this in writing because I DO NOT want to jinx it, but, since I already posted it on Facebook, here goes....


Well, we accepted an offer, which is the beginning of selling the house, right?!

My house has been on the market since September '07. We actually listed it right around the time we found out we were pregnant from IVF #4. The timing was coincidental, but, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have visions of moving and sitting in a nursery in the new house with our baby. Unfortunately, as we all know, the market tanked right around then. As did my pregnancy.

Between the house not selling and the hell of infertility, my life has been in limbo for way too long now. I so desperately need a change and I am hoping and praying that this sale will go through!

Only January 6th and good news already!!