Is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Does the presence of one diminish the magnitude of the other?
These questions have been swirling in my head for the last few days.
Like most infertiles, I used to hear of someone becoming pregnant easily and I would think "good for them, I wish I could get pregnant that easily." Interestingly, I don't think that way anymore. See, getting pregnant easily (or, even getting pregnant at all) is so far beyond my reality that I can't even consider it in the realm of my possibility any more. Those pregnancies fall into a category in my mind called "the way it's supposed to happen", but, not anything I can compare my situation to at all. It's like hearing someone completed a triathlon - wonderful for them, but, it's something I just can't relate to because I'm never going to do the same.
I find myself lately struggling with something different. Now, before I go any further, please, anyone reading this who falls into the group I'm about to talk about, please read the whole thing and I hope you can understand what I'm talking about.
I find myself struggling greatly now with my reaction to hearing about and knowing women who have dealt with infertility successfully getting pregnant and having babies. Please, re-read that sentence, please. I didn't say that my struggle is with those women. I do not want ANY of you reading this to think that I am anything less than so so so very happy for you. The fact that you were strong enough to endure the pain, continue moving forward, and find success is remarkable and my happiness for you is enormous.
My struggle is with how it makes me feel. I no longer think "I hope I can join them soon". My thoughts now are "why did it work for them and it won't work for me?" It's a reminder that these treatments can work....that they should work. So, why not me? I think I've tried hard enough. I think I've done everything I've been told. I think I've paid my dues. So, why not me?
I love the support groups and networks that I've been a part of throughout this struggle. The support and love I've received is truly overwhelming. I KNOW how many people are pulling for me. And, one of the things I said from the very beginning is that it is helpful for me to be able to help others. And, I hope I've done that. But, a difficulty with being part of these groups is the sheer number of women you get to know who have and continue to struggle. As a result, you get to see so many women succeed, more than you would ever know in your regular off-line life.
Anyone who has frequented The Nest's TTTC board for a long time will understand that it can be hard to see so many women get pregnant and leave the board (while, again, we are thrilled for them), while you still linger on and, for the 100th time, enter your name and diagnosis in a "Let's get to know one another" post because there are so many new posters. And, while I've always wanted to help, I find myself ignoring the "Has anyone ever used Follistim" or "I'm scared to do my first injection" posts because, frankly, I just don't have the energy anymore.
Do I sound bitter? I should, because that's where I am right now. I'll come out of it, but, I've accepted that this is what I'm feeling right now, and, that's OK. But, still, my bitterness is about my situation and not anyone else's. I am so very happy for anyone who "made it through the rain" (Barry Manilow fans...anyone...) and I hope they all know it. My happiness for them is, in no way, precluded by my sadness for me. I think I answered my own questions. Yes, it is possible to feel both and feel them equally.
In fact, I think it may even make each feeling stronger and more powerful by feeling them in conjunction with one another than when one occurs on its own....