I have been a really bad emailer lately, so, I'm using this forum to thank all of you for your supportive comments over the last couple of weeks (well, really, over the last 6 months!)!! It's nice to know that people understand what I'm going through!
I've been down the last couple of weeks - that is undeniable. And, I'm not moving past those feelings too quickly. If you're a blogger, did you ever wonder, when you're in this kind of mood (and, we all are sometimes!) if people reading your blog roll their eyes and think "ugh, here she goes again, same old same old"?
And, that made me think about the person that we present via our blogs. A good friend sent me an email yesterday saying "I have been keeping up on your blog, but wanted to see how Lisa M. the Person was doing vs. Lisa M. the Blogger". It's an interesting question. I've always thought that I present the full me on here, but, in reality, we really only present snippets of our lives in our blogging.
Despite what's come across lately, I am really an upbeat, positive, almost jolly person who smiles a lot (c'mon, someone who knows me in real life, vouch for me!) and, while I wish things could be different, at the end of the day, I'm pretty proud of the person I am, the one who has withstood so much more than she ever thought she could and is still ticking, even if sadness oozes out of me now and then. And, when that happens, it's wonderful to know that so many people are out there to help!
You know, just typing all of that out has actally helped to lift my funk a little!
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I've come to the realization that having faith means you have to accept that you may never know "why" things happen. Well, it ain't easy! So, my hope is that writing about my feelings will help me make as much sense of life as I can!
About Me
- Lisa
- New Jersey
- Hi, thanks for visiting! I'm very open about my long struggle with infertility. My theory is that, by putting yourself out there, you can help others and learn from anyone willing to open up to you! So, feel free to ask me anything you want and tell me about your experiences!
Hey, I'd like to follow along!
Infertility History
- Here's a high-level account of our cycle history. I can elaborate on any of these steps if anyone has any questions (i.e., over-supressing due to drug mistake, my acupuncture experience, the process of getting on the egg donor list, etc...)
- May '06 - First met with RE
- August '06 - IVF #1, antagon protocol, PREGNANT, ectopic resolved with methotrexate
- October '06 - IVF #2, microflare protocol, medication error, over-supressed, converted to IUI #1, negative, diagnosed with Ovarian Reserve Issues
- January '07 - started acupuncture, body stopped ovulating for 2.5 months
- March '07 - IVF #3, microflare protocol, cancelled due to lack of production, stopped acupuncture
- April '07 - Went for second opinion. Doctor concurred with diagnosis and treatment recommendations of first clinic
- May '07 - Passed donor prep cycle, put our names on the egg donor list (matched twice during IVF #4 but we declined since we got pregnant)
- August '07 - IUI #2 (not enough eggs to do IVF), straight Follistim, negative
- September/October '07 - IVF #4, straight Follistim, PREGNANT, m/c at 7 weeks, D&C
- Feb' 08 - IVF #5, straight Follistim, negative
- May '08 - Met with a new RE and put a gameplan in place to do IVF #6 in August!
- August '08 - IVF #6, Estrogen Priming protocol, only produced 1 follicle, converted to IUI #3, negative
- October '08 - IVF #7, co-flare protocol, negative
- January '09 - phone consultation with THE expert. He validated that we'd done every protocol and technique and should move on to donor egg
- February '09 - matched and accepted egg donor. Preparing for DE IVF...
- March '09 - DE cycle, 23 eggs retrieved, 3 embryos transferred, 1 frozen
- April '09 - pregnant! 2 sacs seen, but, only one developed
- December '09 - our beautiful daughter was born, making us a family of three!
- And, just to complete the picture, some of the other things that happened during our IF struggle
6 comments:
If you're a blogger, did you ever wonder, when you're in this kind of mood (and, we all are sometimes!) if people reading your blog roll their eyes and think "ugh, here she goes again, same old same old"?
ABSOLUTELY! Then I figure...well this is what they come for...the good, the bad...and the ugly even if the ugly is what they get the most of!
The fear that people will tire of my egocentric self-pity and whining is exactly why I have slowed my blogging significantly lately. I feel so much pressure to be "strong", to show how well I am healing, and don't want to tell anyone that I'm actually miserable. So I just don't blog. We're all right here with you, and I for one would never roll my eyes at your pain.
Blogging=best free therapy ever.
I also wonder about who I present on my blog and since I started writing separately and anonymously (I have a 'real' blog elsewhere) I feel I am being pretty true to who I am, more so than I am in other places.
And as for the, "here she goes again" I don't think I've ever thought that while reading an IF blog because I can completely relate almost every time.
once again, i feel exactly the same way, but no i do not roll my eyes at you, ever.
glad you are a little less "funky" right now. lol :)
been thinking about you. i'm sure this has been tough beyond tough - take time to heal.
Did you ever wonder, when you're in this kind of mood (and, we all are sometimes!) if people reading your blog roll their eyes and think "ugh, here she goes again, same old same old"?
I think all of us have moments when we think like this. Each poor response or failed cycle brings us up against the same wall. Each time, we are left with the same feelings of failure and disappointment. And each time, we need to express those feelings anew - even if it does seem as if we are typing the same post over and over again.
Please do not feel the need to apologise for feeling what you're feeling, Lisa. You clearly have incredible inner strength, but, after all you have been through, it is entirely understandable that you should experience these feelings of intense sadness and grief. I just wish that there was something more I could do or say that would help you through this dark time. My thoughts are with you.
I use my blog to get everything out. Things I can't either tell anyone because I don't know how or because they might not want to hear it. So blog away weather it's positive or not. That's what it's for! Glad your doing a bit better. Hugs for a GREAT weekend!
-D
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