Back in September, I wrote a post wondering if it was possible to be happy and sad at the same time. I concluded that, yes, it is absolutely possible. Although the circumstances are different this time, interestingly, I'm feeling the same sort of mixed emotions.
Before going any further, I'm proud to announce that this is my 100th blog post! I'm not sure why 100 is a benchmark for celebration in the world of blogging, but, I am more than pleased to join in the revelry!
I started this blog for two reasons. The first was that I kept sending the same email to different people, letting them know the status, and, ultimately, the outcome of whatever cycle we were currently in and, well, I was tired of copying and pasting the same message over and over. So, not knowing if anyone would actually read, and not knowing there was a whole community of IF bloggers out here who would end up providing a level of support for which I'm eternally grateful, I started chronicling things here. The second reason, as described in the header above, was my hope that, by working through what I was going through in writing, I might find some order or reason or clarity in what we were going through and decisions we had to make.
So, it almost seems meant to be that today, with a major decision being reached, coincides with my 100th post.
We had our call today with Clinic D. I've been saying for weeks that I really didn't expect any miracles from this call, but, preparing for it and actually hearing it are two different things. Dr. Brilliant (that names seems almost comical, considering he had no words of wisdom for us, but, I know how much he has helped others so he has definitely earned the title!) said that we should be going with donor eggs at this point. He said that we have tried every protocol and technique that is out there for poor responders and, clearly, none of them have worked. He feels that it's always been related to egg quality, based on the fact that I didn't have any more success 2.5 years ago than I had 3 months ago. He felt that, even if I got pregnant again with my eggs, the chance of miscarriage is so high and, in his words, that's even harder than not getting pregnant in the first place (as many of us know). On the other hand, he puts my chances of conceiving and carrying to term with donor eggs at around 80% (we've now been told anywhere from 65-80%).
So, here's the contradiction in feelings. As you would imagine, I am devastated. When I think about the fact that, unless something very unexpected happens, I will not continue my family's genetic lines, I feel what can only be described as true heart ache. But, on the flip side, I have to admit that, mixed in with that grief is a great deal of relief. I now feel like I can move on with donor eggs knowing that I have done absolutely everything I could do. I actually called already today and reactivated us to the donor egg waitlist at Clinic A and, surprisingly, it feels like a very heavy weight has been lifted - the weight of indecision and unrequited hope.
With every unsuccessful cycle, I have felt, not like the cycle failed, but, like I failed. But, can you really say you've failed if you have done absolutely everything in your power but, due to circumstances beyond your control, you didn't achieve success? No, I don't think so, and, there's something to be said for, after 3.5 years TTC and 7 IVF attempts, finally not feeling like a failure.
And, tonight, this I am celebrating.