IVF #7 is over.
My brain hurts. There are so many thoughts swirling around in there but most of them aren't real cogent yet. I'll address them as they present themselves. I wonder if this is my brain's way of protecting me from too much pain at once? I wish there was something similar to protect my heart and my soul.....
I have failed. I don't know why, but, people really get upset with me when I say that. But, it's true. I have failed. The objective is/was to have a baby. I don't have a baby. I have failed. If I haven't failed, who has?
Has science failed me?
Have the doctors failed me?
Has G-d failed me?
I guess it doesn't matter. I can't change science. I can't change G-d. I can change doctors again and that's one of those spinning thoughts that will fly out of my head at some point.
I do know that I have done everything in my power to try to make this work, but, that doesn't change anything. I am dying inside.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I've come to the realization that having faith means you have to accept that you may never know "why" things happen. Well, it ain't easy! So, my hope is that writing about my feelings will help me make as much sense of life as I can!
About Me
- Lisa
- New Jersey
- Hi, thanks for visiting! I'm very open about my long struggle with infertility. My theory is that, by putting yourself out there, you can help others and learn from anyone willing to open up to you! So, feel free to ask me anything you want and tell me about your experiences!
Hey, I'd like to follow along!
Infertility History
- Here's a high-level account of our cycle history. I can elaborate on any of these steps if anyone has any questions (i.e., over-supressing due to drug mistake, my acupuncture experience, the process of getting on the egg donor list, etc...)
- May '06 - First met with RE
- August '06 - IVF #1, antagon protocol, PREGNANT, ectopic resolved with methotrexate
- October '06 - IVF #2, microflare protocol, medication error, over-supressed, converted to IUI #1, negative, diagnosed with Ovarian Reserve Issues
- January '07 - started acupuncture, body stopped ovulating for 2.5 months
- March '07 - IVF #3, microflare protocol, cancelled due to lack of production, stopped acupuncture
- April '07 - Went for second opinion. Doctor concurred with diagnosis and treatment recommendations of first clinic
- May '07 - Passed donor prep cycle, put our names on the egg donor list (matched twice during IVF #4 but we declined since we got pregnant)
- August '07 - IUI #2 (not enough eggs to do IVF), straight Follistim, negative
- September/October '07 - IVF #4, straight Follistim, PREGNANT, m/c at 7 weeks, D&C
- Feb' 08 - IVF #5, straight Follistim, negative
- May '08 - Met with a new RE and put a gameplan in place to do IVF #6 in August!
- August '08 - IVF #6, Estrogen Priming protocol, only produced 1 follicle, converted to IUI #3, negative
- October '08 - IVF #7, co-flare protocol, negative
- January '09 - phone consultation with THE expert. He validated that we'd done every protocol and technique and should move on to donor egg
- February '09 - matched and accepted egg donor. Preparing for DE IVF...
- March '09 - DE cycle, 23 eggs retrieved, 3 embryos transferred, 1 frozen
- April '09 - pregnant! 2 sacs seen, but, only one developed
- December '09 - our beautiful daughter was born, making us a family of three!
- And, just to complete the picture, some of the other things that happened during our IF struggle
23 comments:
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Let me know if you want to vent - I'm here to listen.
Cathy
I'm so sorry. ``
((((hugs)))) simply because no words can help.
(((((HUGS))))))) no words will help right now, but please know I am thinking of you and praying for you. May God be with you in this dark hour.
I'm so sorry. I hope that when the pain lessens you can find a path to children - however the path may be. In the meantime, we are mourning with you. God bless you.
I know what you mean. My body failed me, too. I am so sorry you are in pain. I don't even know you in real life and I am in pain for you. If you want a child and want to carry that child, it may be that your only viable option is donor eggs. At least there is hope in that. Please don't die inside. You do not have to be childless - there is hope. There are 2 other options here: adoption and donor eggs. I know that both are a compromise, some would even say a sacrifice but in the end you would have a child.
Praying for your peace of mind.
I'm so sorry.
((HUGS))
I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard not to feel as if you have failed. People have disagreed with me too when I said that I had failed.
But, I do not think that you are a failure. None of us are.
You have the strength to get through this, even if you don't feel that you do right now. And, we will be there to hold your hand every step of the way. You will be in my thoughts.
Sweetheart--I think the brain does that--hold information at bay and allow us to feel numb because feeling it all at once would be too much. I am so sorry.
My heart hurts for you! I am so sorry for this "loss" and that is exactly what it is - a loss of so many hopes, dreams and expectations. BUT, it is not the end of your journey, this I know...
I pray for you and Glen daily and I wish you time to grieve and heal. Please take care of yourselves.
Hugs and more hugs!
Oh Lisa, I am so so sorry.
Take care of yourself.
Thinking of you, know that things will look better soon. Sorry you have this sorrow in your life.
I am so so sorry. Take your time and grieve this loss. I hope to see you blogging again soon. Hugs.
Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry. We definitely can't control anything in regards to baby making can we?
I'm so sorry you feel like a failure. I know that you are not, but I know how it feels and it's lousy ... so I'm sorry that you're in the depths ... it's so painful.
(((HUGS)))
Lisa, my heart is broken for you.
i have no words. I just don't understand this road we are on.
Much love to you both.
xoxo
You will get through this. But it just sucks for a while. I'm very sorry for your loss(es).
I'm profoundly sorry. :(
i'm just so sorry.
I am so sorry. You and Glenn deserve so much better than this. You guys continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
My dearest Lisa. I am so very sorry.
I think that many of us can relate to your feeling of failure: it is so very hard not to feel let down and betrayed - by our doctors, but more especially by our own bodies.
You and Glen are both in my thoughts - you have already been through more than I can possibly imagine, and I wish you the strength to survive this latest loss.
I am so sorry. I know it hurts and aches really bad. And the truth is we may never find out who failed whom. Take a teeny-weeny break. Go away to some place. Just chill out a while. I know that it will not alleviate the pain, but there may be some way by which you can focus on something else.
Our mind is sometimes our worst enemy. You know why? Coz it remembers and reminds.
Get away for a while....Prayers!
Damn, I'm sorry.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. Your words really resonated with me--people won't let me call it a "failure" either. It's like they worry that I'm apportioning blame, when really I'm just seeing a blank, empty future.
You've pulled out of this before, and you will again. But it always hurts. I'm a couple of cycles behind you, but I know what it's like to be the last man standing--the only one where IVF just won't work.
Hang in there, and treat yourself with care and love. You deserve it, even if your body failed you.
Post a Comment