Monday, July 7, 2008

Why does everything point to the same thing?

I just came from getting my echocardiogram, one of the tests I mentioned last week that the cardiologist has ordered. I have no results yet, or I would share them.

As I got on the table and looked at the ultrasound machine and video display, my first thought was how nice it was to be next to one of those machines and not have my legs spread! But, when she put the wand thingie on my chest and I saw my heart beating, I forgot all about the other kind of machine and was mesmerized. There was my heart, beating, beating, beating. Technology is truly fascinating!

That lasted about 15 seconds. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't really want to be looking at my heart beating (not that I want it to stop!!). I want to be looking at my baby's heart beating, the one that, despite all of my attempts, isn't inside of me, growing like it should be. I should be looking at a tiny little heart beating. Not the big one that, G-d willing, doesn't have any problems.

Tears began to trickle out of my eyes. Little did I know that it could get worse. She turned the volume on. There I was, laying there, transfixed by the heart on the screen, hearing the whoosh/beating sound of that heart, wishing it didn't belong to me, or, more accurately, wishing it belonged to the baby that belonged to me, all the while suffering the silent pain of someone who just didn't want to explain to another person why she was crying at this seemingly innocuous test.

I got through it. I survived. But, I left wondering if there would ever be a time when everything wouldn't be a reminder of my infertility....

OK, onto something good! Emily, at What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting graced me with a nomination for a Pink Rose Award! This was created by the lovely Kymberli as a way to honor those who inspire you or need to be inspired, to those who have encouraged you or those who need encouragement.

I'm honored that Emily takes the time to read my blog and comments so regularly!! I, in turn, would like to nominate katedaphne over at It's Either Sadness or Euphoria. I always find her posts well written, well thought out and, well, just darn interesting. And, how can I not love a girl who posts the entire text of the Declaration of Independence?!

Here are the rules:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.


katedaphne said...

Wow, thanks for the nomination! I'm glad you enjoy my blog and that it helps or entertains or otherwise does something useful! xo

Sasha & Mark said...

congrats on your pink rose! You deserve it! You are such a positive force in the IF blogosphere! :)

Anonymous said...

How profoundly sad...I never thought of a personal ultrasound being traumatic...but I understand how it could be.

Congrats on the pink rose award!

Kymberli said...

Congratulations on your award! Huge hugs to you after such a saddening appointment.

katedaphne said...

This was such an interesting, and sad, post. I have never had a non-IF-related ultrasound, but I felt I could relate to the "everything reminds me of IF" sentiment. There are times when you expect to get crushed -- and there are times when the dart just sneaks up on you unawares.

Enjoy your pink roses, you've earned them! And thx again for sending some my way.

Ms Heathen said...

It is uncanny how even seemingly unrelated things can bring our infertility back to us. I am sorry you found the echocardiogram such a difficult experience, but hope that it brings some answers.

And congratulations on your pink rose - it's very well deserved.

Wishing 4 One said...

You sooo deserve that award. Heres to hoping your "big one" is ok and that you will see a small beating one very soon. xoxoxoxo

Christi said...

I'm glad you were nominated by Emily! You are awesome, so supportive, always one of the firsts to comment each time that I put up a new post! :) Thank you so much !

I'm so sorry that they ultrasound was so traumatic. It sucks how such small things we see so differently and others wouldn't even have a clue what was going on. sending you a HUGE HUGE HUG!