Friday, October 3, 2008

First, what happened

I blogged last week about how Rosh Hashanah and how this was a difficult time of the year for me. Little did I know how difficult it actually was. Rosh Hashanah began Monday night, as all Jewish observances begin at sundown. As we moved through the day Monday and I thought about the holiday starting, I began to not feel well. The thought of going to temple and praying to G-d to forgive me of my sins from the past year and ask to be blessed with a good year coming up actually made me feel physically ill. But, I decided to deal with it and planned to go (doing the right thing and my relationship with G-d - both things to be explored in my subsequent mindmapping posts).

Come Tuesday morning, we didn't rush to services. As it turned out, we got there just in time for the sermon. I swear, the Rabbi wasn't 10 words in when the tears started to roll down my face. Uncontrollable tears.

The sermon opened with the Rabbi talking about figuring out what your purpose on this earth is and evolved into a discussion about ways that you can be an angel on earth (G-d's To Do List: 103 Ways to Be an Angel and do G-d's Work on Earth) and how doing those things will fulfill you and bring you closer to understanding your purpose. I tried to blank out the Rabbi's voice, but, I couldn't. I kept hearing his words ringing through my head and the tears just wouldn't stop.

I left right after the sermon. I couldn't stay for the rest of services. I couldn't stay there and pretend like I was OK. I couldn't pretend like I'm not angry at G-d.

OK, so now that you know the scenario, in the next few posts I will delve into the different things I was feeling. I'm not sure where to even start, hence, the virtual mindmapping experiment!


Amy (MyColonyNJ) said...

It sucks when the holidays are not a joyous time. Sending you lots of {{Hugs}}

PS - even though I am not jewish, and don't really know that much about the religion, I decided to celebrate the "new year" because my the last one has sucked.

So - here is to the new year!

Anonymous said...

Do you ever read double portions on my blog? There is a good one on there now that may "help" or it may not.

Wishing you peace in the new year!

Dagny said...

(((((((((GIANT HUGS)))))))))))

Modern Orthodox IF said...

I totally understand! Holidays are really hard for me too. Last year, I found out I failed IVF #1 (which was an 8 month process for me due to hyperstimulating) right before yom kipper and I didn't go to shul or even leave my bed all yom kipper.
Good luck!