First of all, I know I've been absent for a bit, but, I've been working through my frustrations and anger and today I think I'm finally feeling a little better. Of course, it's not a coincidence that I was in Clinic C today and saw Dr. Expert for bloodwork and ultrasound in preparation for starting IVF #7, which, if my bloodwork is OK, will begin tonight.
But, before talking about that, I have to thank everyone for the amazingly insightful comments on my last couple of posts. I really wanted to respond personally to each of them, but, between the holiday, work, and what I was feeling, I just couldn't put into words what I was feeling. But, I am so very grateful for all of them and have gone back and re-read them several times over the last week. It is incredibly helpful to know that others have dealt with the same anger and had the same reactions I had with regards to their ability to worship. As pointed out by one wonderful commenter, perhaps it was a bit harsh for me to be angry with myself over my reactions. Maybe I really was being too hard on myself. But, at the same time, I have to say, I was actually proud of myself (how's that for mixed emotions?!) for taking care of me and my needs, something people tell me I don't do enough.
It's been a tough time. As late as 11:00 last night I was emailing with a friend about how I wasn't even excited and hopeful about this cycle starting. Mostly, I was/am terrified at the prospect of this one not making it to retrieval either.
But, somehow, I feel better today. I guess it's like the old adage about "getting back on the horse". Going back to the doctor this morning I got back on the horse and I do feel hopeful and even excited again.
This will be my 7th IVF. 7 is supposed to be a lucky number, right? I was curious why, so, I went to my old friend Google this morning and found a ton of information that I won't bore anyone with. But, I will share this little fact (I love little facts!) that I found on Wikipedia.
"Seven is the number of holes in the heads of most mammals."
I'll wait - I know you're counting.........
Two ears - which I will use this IVF cycle to hear the wonderful encouragement I'm blessed to get from so many people and to listen to my IVF meditation tracks to keep me calm and relaxed
Two eyes - which I will use this IVF cycle to see the good things I have in my life and to read the emails and blogs from which I draw so much of my strength
Two nostrils - which I will use this IVF cycle to enjoy the beautiful scents this time of year - the crisp autumn air, leaves burning, wood burning fireplaces
One mouth - which I will use this IVF cycle to partake of some yummy treats (hey, a girl needs some reward for doing all those shots and early mornings!) and to offer encouragement, congratulations, condolences, and advice and just be as supportive as I can of everyone's joys and difficulties.
Oh, and to smile. Glenn loves my smile and it's been missing for a while.
That little rhyme just made me smile - I must be feeling better!