June 19th

June 19, 2005 - As I write this, four years ago, right now, Glenn and I and the people who stood up for us were lining up, waiting to be announced into our wedding reception! It took me until my mid-30's to meet the man that I hoped to spend the rest of my life with and, as we began this wonderful day in our lives, I did so with such hopes and dreams for the future that this would only be the first of so many momentous occasions.

Earlier in the week, as I dropped some things off at the reception hall, I saw that they were setting up for a very large bris the next day. I thought about the bris' or baby namings of our future children and it reaffirmed my feelings that we would conceive a honeymoon baby. I just so naively always thought that would happen.

June 19, 2006 - I took my first birth control pill this day. How counterproductive this seemed to getting pregnant, but, it was the first step in getting ready for our first IVF. The next day was my cousin H's wedding and I remember feeling like, as we celebrated this wonderful new beginning for her and P, that I had this little secret. See, again naively, in my mind, kicking-off IVF equated to being pregnant already. I just "knew" that, by our next anniversary, we'd have a baby.

June 19, 2007 - This one doesn't really stand out for me. The first half of the year had been awful. We lost my uncle and then we lost Glenn's uncle. We had 3 attempted IVF's under our belt and had decided to pursue donor eggs. We had such hopes for the second half of this year, and our 3rd year of marriage, to be wonderful. We had no idea what was in store for us.

June 19, 2008 - I won't rehash all the terrible things that happened in the year leading up to our 3rd anniversary, but, suffice it to say, it was the hardest year of our lives. Five days earlier was our unfulfilled due date from the pregnancy we lost in the fall. Needless to say, this was a tough anniversary.

And, now, here we are, June 19, 2009 - our 4th anniversary. While we have no idea what the future will bring us, for maybe the first time since June 19, 2005, I'm content with and love my present! I wake up every day, in our new home, with new life growing inside of me, next to the man without whom I wouldn't be here...........yes, the present is pretty wonderful!

And, I have such hope, perhaps no longer naively, though, for our 5th year!