Sunday, November 23, 2008

Jabberjaw vs Count Chocula

How can there be such conflict in my brain?? I don't know where to go from here. I am pretty sure I want/need to try one more time with my eggs. However, there is a part of me, a small, nagging voice in the back of my head that might be whispering, albeit quietly, "Lisa, it's time, call Clinic A and reinstate yourself to the top of the donor egg list". But, at the same time, and quite a bit louder I might add, I can't help but think "Don't give up on your eggs. We all know it's a huge long shot, but, the next cycle might just be the one that works".

Everyone's heard of the Yin and the Yang, right? The theory behind Yin and Yang is opposition that complements one another, creating a harmonious environment. But, my oppositions don't complement, they contradict. So, I have decided to dub them Fin and Fang.

My Fin, or, as I think of him, Jabberjaw, is a typical shark. He goes on complete instinct. He smells his prey and is compelled to keep going until he locates it and devours it. He will do whatever he needs to do to accomplish his goal and get what he wants/needs. The need in me to pass on my genetic code, and the code of my family, is so very great. This is why there is the part of me that feels like I cannot stop trying. I have been chasing the goal for a long time, and feel like I need to keep chasing and chasing it until I have successfully captured it or the option ceases to exist.

On the flip side, and clearly not complementing my Fin, is my Fang, my little "I vant to suck your blood, mwahhhhhh" vampire. But, since the phlebotomists have taken so much blood out of me throughout all of my cycles, I don't think I have enough left for a real vampire. So, let me introduce you to my Fang, Count Chocula.

Despite what more current popular culture may say, vampires do not have children (so says I). They do not pass their genetic code to the next generation. When a vampire wants to expand her vampire family, she seeks out someone she believes would be a good fit.. She doesn't care whether the new addition has green eyes like her mother, a full head of hair like her father, or a great sense of direction like her grandfather. Her goal is simply to add to her family and that's what she does.

I want to add to my family. Donor eggs would, likely, allow me to do that with a much higher rate of success than with my eggs. We would be able to select a donor who we believe would be a good fit. All the things vampires do.

My Fin and my Fang have the same end goal in mind. Both want me to be Mommy. Both want Glenn to be Daddy. Both want my parents and Glenn's mother to be grandparents (she already is, my parents are not). Where they diverge is the path by which we should get there. Every time they battle in my head, Jabberjaw wins and I feel strongly that we need to keep trying with my eggs.

But, I'll admit, Count Chocula is starting to gain some ground.....

24 comments:

Dagny said...

Funny post, hard decision.

xoxo

shiner said...

You are very talented, you know that? It is such a hard decision to give up on your own eggs. It's not a rosey, perfect, bowl-of-cherries outcome either, if I am honest. I am so grateful to be pregnant and so happy to finally be able to say that we are going to be a family. However, deciding to use doner eggs, in my humble opinion, is a compromise. Some would even say a sacrifice (God please don't think I am ungrateful and strike me down). To me it's been like somewhere in between regular IVF and adoption. A few of the good things are that I can move on, I am going to be mommy and the baby's daddy is my husband. The down side is that I will never see my own traits or my family's traits in her. She may end up with my personality because I raise her and I know I will love her with all of my heart but she will not have my genes. Everyone in my family says they don't care. They probably don't considering they've seen all my misery, desperation and depression. But the truth is that I still struggle with what will come of this issue. Will I feel like a liar and a fake if someone says she looks like me and I accept the compliment? I already know that I will have to prepare her by reading her children's books about children conceived through doner eggs. Why? So she doesn't find out some other way when she's 16 and have an identity crisis. There are so many issues around donor eggs that no one likes to talk about. It is a wonderful option to have, not all women can carry, but there is so much to consider. You've probably already thought about these things but I just wanted to share where my mind has been going since we did IVF w/donor eggs and are finally pregnant 6 years later. It took me a long time to come around to the idea - 2 years at least. Good luck with your decision - I hope you find peace whatever you decide.

theworms said...

Big decisions to make. I'm praying you make the best decisions for you and DH and you're holding your baby in your arms very soon.

Emily said...

Fantastic analogy.

I am sorry you are having such a battle going on in your heart and mind. It must consume your thoughts some days. I wish you peace and wisdom in making your decision.
I am here if you need me...
Thank you for the amazing comment on my last post.

Elana Kahn said...

Making the decision to use donor anything (eggs or sperm) is monumental. But, I know someone who a grown up product of donor sperm and she is mighty happy to have been born. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. G-d will never steer you wrong. :-) Here from ICLW.

Andrea said...

We just recently moved onto DE as well, so I understand the magnitude of your decision. The chances of me responding to stims were super duper low, but we tried anyway just so I could know we tried. After that failed, I felt ready to move onto DE. If you feel like you need to try one more time with your own eggs, go for it. Trust your gut. Either way, there's no wrong decision. DE will always be there. If you need more time, take it. Good luck!

Amy said...

That's a really hard decision you are having to make. I don't envy you at all. I believe I would probably be having the same thoughts if I was in that situation. Just know whatever you do decide that child will be yours 100%.

ICLW

Kristin said...

I love that you are comparing the warring voices to Count Chocula and Jabberjaw...too funny.

Either way you go, I wish you the very best luck and a baby in the future.

Celia said...

Count Chocula is cracking me up. Also making me want cereal. Chocolaty cereal.

celia

Kami said...

Oh, my. I just completely understand where you are at. Although our reasons for wanting that genetic child might not be the same, I think our internal struggles have been very similar.

I was thinking the other day . . . have you verified that your insurance will pay for a DE cycle? I had one blog-buddy who had insurance for IVF, but it wouldn't cover a dime if it was a DE cycle.

I hope that isn't the case for you - except that if it was, it would be a great excuse to try one more time with your own eggs.

cindyhoo2 said...

I have lurked for a time and now am de-lurking for a comment. :)

I love the analogy... so funny and yet so true!!

I am in a somewhat related situation. I have been doing IVF for a while and have not had great results. So now my (hopefully) more fertile partner is TTC for us. I want a child more than anything so I will be happy if/when she gets pregnant.

BUT- every month while I am hoping and praying for her BFP... I am also silently grieving that I may not have a child with my genetics. In the end, I think I have decided that I will keep trying IVFs until 1 works but I want to evoke the "bird in the hand" insurance plan as well.

I wish you the best with your own decision-making process.

IdleMindOfBeth said...

ICLW

Wishing you peace as you work your way thru this difficult decision.

And I LOVE the Fin & Fang analogy! too funny!

Seriously? - Erin said...

I am sorry that you have to make such a tough choice. I don't have a clue what I would do in a similar situation.

Best of luck! ICLW

alicia said...

wow super hard descion, but I realy like your comparrisons here, good post! good luck with making this choice, I can't imagine how hard it is.

here from iCLW

familyoftwo98 said...

What ever your decision I know it will be the right one! Good luck!

Michelle said...

I like your analogy. It is good one. It sucks that you ahve to make this decision but I hope whatever you decide that it works out well for you.

Stacie said...

Hard decision. I do wish you the best in which ever path you choose.

Count Chocula cracks me up. The analogy you used was spot on...

Here from ICLW

Ms Heathen said...

It is so very hard to know when or even if it is time to move on to DE. Ultimately only you can know whether it is the right decision.

I am thinking of you as you continue to struggle with these very complicated choices.

Sam said...

a difficult decision, but what a great post!!!

Polly Gamwich said...

Such a dilemna! It's like THE question and hard one to come up wtih an answer for. I know for me I can only handle so much more of this, so I'll be moving on after a closure cycle with CCRM (but that won't happen until Mar of next year, here's hoping it doesn't even have to occur and the transfer will work!)

Back and forth, back and forth ... I hope you find peace soon :-)

Happy Thanksgiving.

sara said...

You made me giggle with your post - but wow, what a tough decision that would be. I hope that your find one that works out well for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed!
ICLW

the Babychaser: said...

Oh my god, it's awful isn't it? We're in the same boat, though I think our decision is pretty much made. One more cycle with J's sperm, not because we think it will work, but because we figured we should KNOW when the last cycle with his sperm is going to happen. Then we're probably going to move on.

I was really interested in what Shiner had to say, because I also think it will be a bit of a sacrifice and a struggle. I worry about people being so happy for me if I end up pregnant, and me feeling like a fraud because they think I got everything I wanted, and I only got half of what I wanted. It's brutal, and it's not natural, and yet it's so amazing that something like this is even possible. As a half-adoption, it's a pretty cool option.

No one can make that choice for you, but I'll tell you what my #1 consideration was for me: not to run out of money before I can give DS a real shot.

Good luck, hon.

Ariella said...

What ever path your chose I know you are going to be a wonderful loving mother, Lisa. It is a hard dicission and which ever path you chose I hope and pray it leads you to motherhood.

Rebecca said...

Tonight I was watching my 18 month old daughter (conceived after multiple IVFs) and was thinking that no matter how someone gets there, through IVF, donor egg, donor sperm or adoption, everyone who wants children should be allowed to experience what I've been honored to experience. I wish you the best no matter what your decision. I know it's hard to give up the thought of using your own egg but no matter what, I have no doubt you will love the child you that eventually graces your life.

ICLW