Friday, August 29, 2008

La la la....I can't hear you....la la la....

That's what I was saying to myself today. Yep, to myself. As I sat in the car driving to the clinic, as I sat in the waiting room while they processed Glenn's sperm, as I signed in for my IUI, as I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor who, maybe, just maybe, after the 20+ other doctors I've encountered through this process, would try to impregnate me, all that went through my head, over and over again, like a mantra, while I struggled (somewhat unsuccessfully) to hold back the tears:

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. "Hi, I'm here to check in for my IVF....oops, I mean my IUI." It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Verify SS# and sign name for the 10th time today. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. "Yes, doctor, I've done this before. My cervix is hard to get to but I could draw you a map if you like. It's best if you use the long, narrow speculum on me." It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Who knows? Maybe a miracle will happen (you can't continue to go through this if you don't believe in miracles, can you?) and I'll be able to say, "hmm, I guess it WAS supposed to happen this way"......

Before leaving, the doctor asked if I had progesterone at home. Of course, I told her, I have the progesterone in oil and all of the syringes - remember, I was prepared for an IVF cycle. But, nooooo, after an IUI, they want you to use the oh-so-disgusting progesterone vaginal suppositories, not the injections (is it strange that I would prefer that big needle in my butt every day over the nasty suppositories twice a day?). So, after we left the clinic, we had to schlep to the fertility pharmacy to fill yet another prescription.

Then we came home, I got into bed and cried, Glenn came in to comfort me, and we ended up napping for almost 4 hours. When I woke up, the funk had lifted a bit. I still hear the mantra, but, it's not as loud now and I can almost overpower it with my "la la la....I can't hear you....la la la".

So, now we wait. Day 1 of the seemingly interminable 2 week wait.....

8 comments:

Christi said...

I'm so sorry you had to convert to IUI. I'm hoping this is your miracle. We definitely wouldn't do all this if we didn't believe in them. HUG HUG

and btw, I totally prefer the big fat needle in my ass for PIO over the supps as well....

get some rest and sleep, you guys are in my thoughts!!

Ariella said...

Lisa I hope your miracle is this conversion. Getting down graded isn't easy and you handle it with grace. I admire you for that.Take it easy. (((((HUGS)))))

Emily said...

Oh honey! I am so, so, so sorry! Yet another "loss" to grieve in this black hole that is infertility.

I could tell you that everything happens for a reason or unexpected miracles happen every day and while that is all true - it all sounds so empty and hollow compared to the pain and unfairness of it all.

So, instead I will just say, you are an amazingly, strong woman who so deserves to have each and every one of her dreams come true.

BIG HUGE HUGS

Kate said...

Oh Lisa - I am so sorry. I hate that feeling that it is never going to work. It is depressing and I wish I had some good advice to pass along, but alas I don't. I function the same was as you. Get through it numbly and cry for hours after.

You are in my thoughts ((HUGS))

Ms Heathen said...

Oh Lisa. I am so very, very sorry. As Emily says, this is yet another loss for you to deal with.

I am hoping that this IUI may be the miracle you have been waiting for. After all you have been through, you deserve a break.

Thinking of you.

Linda said...

I hope you get your miracle Lisa. I'll be praying for you over these next two weeks.

Amy (MyColonyNJ) said...

It totally sucks that this cycle (and many others before this) have not gone as planned.

But, some of the best things in life are the ones that are not scheduled, but the ones that just happen.

You know, like when it is pouring rain and all of a sudden you see a rainbow. You would never plan to see it, but there is it is all it's beauty.

I am thinking positive for you this cycle!!!!

Dagny said...

I hope that you get a nice surprise.

xoxoxo