It's been a while since I've written, but, honestly, I don't really have anything substantive to say. I've been feeling very detached this cycle. Numb. I'm really trying not to obsess about every "symptom" or lack thereof, but, seriously, if I squeeze my boobs one more time in public to see if they still hurt (it's the only tangible symptom I have and it's not really much of one), someone is going to arrest me for public indecency.
I have had some cramping, but, honestly, that could mean 10 different things.
I'm simply trying to stay even keel and not think about any of it too much. See, if I start to think about it, my mind eventually goes to the inevitability of failure and, well, trust me, nobody is ready to see the flood of emotions that will follow.
I'm just doing what I can to stay positive, despite the nagging feelings of doubt that keep creeping in. Eh, we'll all know soon enough, right?
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I've come to the realization that having faith means you have to accept that you may never know "why" things happen. Well, it ain't easy! So, my hope is that writing about my feelings will help me make as much sense of life as I can!
About Me
- Lisa
- New Jersey
- Hi, thanks for visiting! I'm very open about my long struggle with infertility. My theory is that, by putting yourself out there, you can help others and learn from anyone willing to open up to you! So, feel free to ask me anything you want and tell me about your experiences!
Hey, I'd like to follow along!
Infertility History
- Here's a high-level account of our cycle history. I can elaborate on any of these steps if anyone has any questions (i.e., over-supressing due to drug mistake, my acupuncture experience, the process of getting on the egg donor list, etc...)
- May '06 - First met with RE
- August '06 - IVF #1, antagon protocol, PREGNANT, ectopic resolved with methotrexate
- October '06 - IVF #2, microflare protocol, medication error, over-supressed, converted to IUI #1, negative, diagnosed with Ovarian Reserve Issues
- January '07 - started acupuncture, body stopped ovulating for 2.5 months
- March '07 - IVF #3, microflare protocol, cancelled due to lack of production, stopped acupuncture
- April '07 - Went for second opinion. Doctor concurred with diagnosis and treatment recommendations of first clinic
- May '07 - Passed donor prep cycle, put our names on the egg donor list (matched twice during IVF #4 but we declined since we got pregnant)
- August '07 - IUI #2 (not enough eggs to do IVF), straight Follistim, negative
- September/October '07 - IVF #4, straight Follistim, PREGNANT, m/c at 7 weeks, D&C
- Feb' 08 - IVF #5, straight Follistim, negative
- May '08 - Met with a new RE and put a gameplan in place to do IVF #6 in August!
- August '08 - IVF #6, Estrogen Priming protocol, only produced 1 follicle, converted to IUI #3, negative
- October '08 - IVF #7, co-flare protocol, negative
- January '09 - phone consultation with THE expert. He validated that we'd done every protocol and technique and should move on to donor egg
- February '09 - matched and accepted egg donor. Preparing for DE IVF...
- March '09 - DE cycle, 23 eggs retrieved, 3 embryos transferred, 1 frozen
- April '09 - pregnant! 2 sacs seen, but, only one developed
- December '09 - our beautiful daughter was born, making us a family of three!
- And, just to complete the picture, some of the other things that happened during our IF struggle
9 comments:
This is EXACTLY how I feel, I have to be careful that my coworkers don't catch me touching my boobs! :P
Bless your heart! If you need to feel your boobs for reassurance, girl go for it. This is a hard time and it's completely normal to feel all of the things you are feeling right now. I am praying for you every day and thinking sticky thoughts.
I know just how you feel - I don't have tingly boobs but my stomach is kind of upset so I'm debating whether that is nausea or if it's all in my head (or if is nausea because of all the drugs in my system!) When is your beta?
Hang in there.
And you are allowed to feel your boobs any time you want. :D
I understand numb. I hope you get good news and don't have to protect yourself anymore.
xoxoxo
I think we've all copped more feels of the boobs during an IVF cycle than a freshman boy during a makeout session.
Thinking of you and thinking only wonderful thoughts!!!!!!
Hang on in there, Lisa!
Thinking of you and sending you many, many positive vibes.
Go ahead and squeeze those boobs Lisa! Hang in there!
Thinking of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so detached. I'm sending you big hugs and thinking good thoughts for you!
Hugs,
-D
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