Saturday, March 28, 2009

Reattaching

This has been a very strange cycle for me. When we finally made the decision to move forward with a donor cycle, I felt relieved and excited and so very ready for it. Then, I noticed something different happening. I have experienced things I've never felt in any other cycle. There are many words that come to mind, but, the best way to describe what I've felt is detached.

It started when we got our donor profile. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I had an unusual reaction to it. Detached. That's what I felt. I read the profile, out loud to Glenn, and, after finishing it, put it back in the envelope and said, "yes, she's good to be our donor" and that was it. I didn't obsess over every question and answer. I didn't try to analyze her handwriting for hidden messages. I didn't read it over and over and over until I'd memorized every written word.

I'll pause here while the people who know me in real life scoop their jaws up off the floor at my non-obsessiveness.

I can't explain it. I'd built up the moment I'd first see my donor profile so much in my mind. I thought I would read it and start crying and nodding my head and just "know" that she was the one. In reality, she was fine and I was OK with her. I think, at that moment, it went from the donation of genetic material, which is what I'd struggled with so greatly up to that point, to the donation of biological material, as so many people told me it was, and, for that, I felt so much less obsessed.

Then, the actual cycle began. And, again, I found myself feeling detached. Now, in all fairness, between the move and work and Glenn's little hospital adventure I was so overwhelmingly overwhelmed that perhaps I didn't have time to obsess. In reality, I think it was a combination of that and these pervasive feelings of detachment. Found out the donor was triggering on Monday. OK. That's great. Still not obsessing. Detached. Retrieval was Wednesday. Our clinic allows you to give a gift and note to the donor, if you like. I knew what I would be giving and went out and got it and a card. That night, I worked until 2:00 in the morning, so, I was pretty punch drunk by the time I actually wrote the note. I wrote from the heart, thanking her for this amazing thing she was doing for us, but, still, found myself detached from it.

Thursday. We got the call that we had 9 embryos. Now, in past cycles, I would think about those babies - my babies - continuously. Here, I didn't find that happening. Detached. It may sound cruel or sad when I say this, but, I felt like those babies weren't mine. They were Glenn's, but, they weren't mine. Now, I have to say that I wasn't sad or regretful about this. It was just a fact. I assuaged myself by thinking that, of course, when something was transferred into me, I would feel differently, but, at this point, I'd really had no part in making these babies. Detached. I hoped that, at that time, however, I would reattach and get excited about this cycle.
----------------------------------------
This is the post I'd planned to write today. Until I got the call this morning that they wanted me in for a day 3 transfer. I was truly disappointed. We had 9 growing embryos two days ago. Almost everyone I know who had done a donor egg cycle was pushed to a day 5 transfer. Hearing they wanted to transfer today was a message to me that things weren't going well. I wanted to withhold my growing doubt until we knew more, but, honestly, I cried most of the way to the clinic.

It seemed like an interminably long time before the doctor came in to tell us our status. All I can say is, boy, was I wrong! Of our 9 embryos, we still have 8 of them!! 4-5 were looking really good and 3, while lagging behind, are still alive. Given my history, they decided to be more aggressive and bring me in for a day 3 and also to transfer 3 into me (which they only do 5% of the time when using donor eggs). He said all 3 look really great, with one, in particular, looking wonderful. All have less than 5% fragmentation (I'd always had 20-25%). He put our odds at 60% (I've never heard them give better odds, so, I think that's their max), 30% for twins, and 5% for trips.

Most importantly, I am so happy to be able to say that I am completely and utterly reattached! The moment, and I mean, the exact moment that I saw the printout with these three magnificent embryos, they were mine. And, so are their sisters and brothers still sitting in the lab!

So, I have 3 babies in me now and they're watching the other 5 for potential freezing!! And, I feel so much better than I felt this morning!!

Attachment is a wonderful thing!!

24 comments:

Emily said...

First of all, congratulations!!! Sounds like a beautiful transfer and I just know the little peanuts are snuggling in right now!

Secondly, thank you so much for your honesty in this post. This is real, soul bearing, heart wrenching stuff and you articulate it all so well. This post completely captures the extreme highs and lows of this journey!

Wishing, hoping and praying for you!

When is beta day? We are only about a week apart - my tx should be next weekend!

Beautiful Mess said...

Congratulations on 3 embies on board!!! Your post is so beautiful and from the heart. I hope it wasn't hard for you to write, I hope you didn't struggle with guilt. I would think it be understanding to be detached. I am so glad you are feeling all of it now and I'm sending you so many hugs and prayers.

Soapchick said...

I'm so happy that it turned out great! I'm so glad the doctors put back 3 and I pray one or more attaches and grows for nine months. Those are your babies.

Dagny said...

Whoohoo!!!!!!!

Time to snuggle in little ones. :)

xoxo

squarepeg said...

I know just how you feel :) While I wish I could be more *involved* somehow in the process - it's not because I want more information or need to feel more like part of the process. I just want to know how it all turns out, and watching from the sidelines seems to slow time down.

I hope to feel the same way you do when we have transfer. Because right now, not in a woe-is-me kind of way, right now I feel like a surrogate.

Great news on the magnificent embies and I can't wait to read your BFP!!!!

Erica said...

oh i am sooooooo happy for you right now. i have tears in my eyes. i'm praying for you. snuggle in for the long hall little babies!!!

Cassandra said...

Glad the transfer went well. Hope those embryos attach right back to you!

Good luck!

stacey said...

I think you have a wonderful chance of this working!! GL!!!

twondra said...

Yay! Congrats!! Glad things are going so well! ((HUGS))

Molly said...

How exciting. Sounds like you are in a very good place both emotionally and physically. Looking forward to the next positive step in your journey.

Ms Heathen said...

I'm so glad that you were able to work through some of the complicated emotions generated by this cycle, and to connect with those little embryos.

Thinking of you, and hoping that the next two weeks passes quickly and uneventfully.

Anonymous said...

This IS great news! I am SO happy for you!! TONS of Prayers!

Jessica
Dibsgirl

natalie042205 said...

Lisa I am so incredibly excited and hopeful for you!!!!I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending lots of good thoughts your way!

Natalie

Linda said...

Hugs, vibes, baby dust, GO EMBIES GO!!!!!

Barefoot said...

Congratulations on your transfer today! Sending sticky, sticky vibes your way.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I remember when I had my retrieval, it was a strange feeling to have 2 embroyos in me that they said were "Great" quality. One of mine made it and one did not and I'm now 20 weeks, and my clinic always does a day 2 transfer. They strongly belive the they belong in their natural place - the momma's uterus! So have FAITH that this is going to work. You may soon have a huge family lol. Wow - I'm glad they did 3 based on your previous cycles. Take care and stay on bed rest, I really believe it helps for you to do nothing and relax, no stress :-)

nishkanu said...

I popped over from the LFCA.

I think it is pretty normal if you have been through a lot on your infertility journey to develop a survival instinct of not attaching in order to protect your feelings. DE may make it easier mentally to not attach but I don't think it is the cause of it. From everything I have heard no matter how you feel while awaiting your little one, attachment issues are resolved when you have your baby in your arms. I am certain that I will love my DE baby if/when it comes even though right now I feel it is more of a space alien. I know this comes just from protecting my own feelings because of previous experiences with miscarriage.

Congrats on a great transfer and I hope it works for you!

Sian said...

Glad to have found your blog. Good luck for the TWW.

Anonymous said...

I read your blog--although I have never commented. Your honestly in this post was moving. Thank you. Good luck this cyle!!! I am really hoping it work out.

nishkanu said...

Thanks for your comment, I hope you are right behind me too!! Good luck!

musicmakermomma said...

You have described my feelings exactly from this last cycle - my first DE cycle I was obsessive; I read and re-read the profile, I imagined what the child might look like, I thought about the embies, and I went way overboard with the gift/card. This time I was just...detached. I was of course, SO grateful that the donor would go through this for someone, but I really felt like it was biological material like you said. I wrote a heartfelt note but it was not days of sweating out just the right thing to say.

And like you, when I finally got to transfer I felt like this was all about me and DH, and the donor was just another one of the cast of assistants - like the RE and all the staff.

Hoping for great numbers at your beta!

Modern Orthodox IF said...

glad you're feeling better about it! good luck!!!

Kami said...

I completely understand that feeling of detachment and not feeling like they are your embryos.

They are yours now, though! GOOD LUCK!

Gillian said...

So I'm coming in SOO late here, but I'm SO THRILLED for you! I've been thinking about you so much and know that you're not posting this journey's every move.. so I came in to check it out! I'm smiling from ear to ear!