This has been a very strange cycle for me. When we finally made the decision to move forward with a donor cycle, I felt relieved and excited and so very ready for it. Then, I noticed something different happening. I have experienced things I've never felt in any other cycle. There are many words that come to mind, but, the best way to describe what I've felt is detached.
It started when we got our donor profile. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I had an unusual reaction to it. Detached. That's what I felt. I read the profile, out loud to Glenn, and, after finishing it, put it back in the envelope and said, "yes, she's good to be our donor" and that was it. I didn't obsess over every question and answer. I didn't try to analyze her handwriting for hidden messages. I didn't read it over and over and over until I'd memorized every written word.
I'll pause here while the people who know me in real life scoop their jaws up off the floor at my non-obsessiveness.
I can't explain it. I'd built up the moment I'd first see my donor profile so much in my mind. I thought I would read it and start crying and nodding my head and just "know" that she was the one. In reality, she was fine and I was OK with her. I think, at that moment, it went from the donation of genetic material, which is what I'd struggled with so greatly up to that point, to the donation of biological material, as so many people told me it was, and, for that, I felt so much less obsessed.
Then, the actual cycle began. And, again, I found myself feeling detached. Now, in all fairness, between the move and work and Glenn's little hospital adventure I was so overwhelmingly overwhelmed that perhaps I didn't have time to obsess. In reality, I think it was a combination of that and these pervasive feelings of detachment. Found out the donor was triggering on Monday. OK. That's great. Still not obsessing. Detached. Retrieval was Wednesday. Our clinic allows you to give a gift and note to the donor, if you like. I knew what I would be giving and went out and got it and a card. That night, I worked until 2:00 in the morning, so, I was pretty punch drunk by the time I actually wrote the note. I wrote from the heart, thanking her for this amazing thing she was doing for us, but, still, found myself detached from it.
Thursday. We got the call that we had 9 embryos. Now, in past cycles, I would think about those babies - my babies - continuously. Here, I didn't find that happening. Detached. It may sound cruel or sad when I say this, but, I felt like those babies weren't mine. They were Glenn's, but, they weren't mine. Now, I have to say that I wasn't sad or regretful about this. It was just a fact. I assuaged myself by thinking that, of course, when something was transferred into me, I would feel differently, but, at this point, I'd really had no part in making these babies. Detached. I hoped that, at that time, however, I would reattach and get excited about this cycle.
This is the post I'd planned to write today. Until I got the call this morning that they wanted me in for a day 3 transfer. I was truly disappointed. We had 9 growing embryos two days ago. Almost everyone I know who had done a donor egg cycle was pushed to a day 5 transfer. Hearing they wanted to transfer today was a message to me that things weren't going well. I wanted to withhold my growing doubt until we knew more, but, honestly, I cried most of the way to the clinic.
It seemed like an interminably long time before the doctor came in to tell us our status. All I can say is, boy, was I wrong! Of our 9 embryos, we still have 8 of them!! 4-5 were looking really good and 3, while lagging behind, are still alive. Given my history, they decided to be more aggressive and bring me in for a day 3 and also to transfer 3 into me (which they only do 5% of the time when using donor eggs). He said all 3 look really great, with one, in particular, looking wonderful. All have less than 5% fragmentation (I'd always had 20-25%). He put our odds at 60% (I've never heard them give better odds, so, I think that's their max), 30% for twins, and 5% for trips.
Most importantly, I am so happy to be able to say that I am completely and utterly reattached! The moment, and I mean, the exact moment that I saw the printout with these three magnificent embryos, they were mine. And, so are their sisters and brothers still sitting in the lab!
So, I have 3 babies in me now and they're watching the other 5 for potential freezing!! And, I feel so much better than I felt this morning!!
Attachment is a wonderful thing!!