Friday, July 10, 2009

Forgot the biggest one

Thank you for all the comments on my last post. It is so helpful to know that I'm not the only one who experiences envy on a semi-regular basis.

But, I cannot believe I forgot the biggest one.....the one that causes me to have such pangs of envy that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.

I am so very envious of every mother who has a child from her own egg. And, like others commented on my previous post, I don't think these feelings of envy will ever go away.

It's difficult to talk about this because I never, ever want anyone to think that I consider this pregnancy as anything less than the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life. But, I will admit, it doesn't remove the grief of not continuing my family's genetics. It lessens it, but, doesn't eliminate it. In fact, while most of my heart and mind and soul know that we made the decision to move on to donor eggs at the right time, after 7 IVF attempts, there's a part of me that still wonders and, I suspect, will always wonder if we should have continued trying....if maybe, just maybe, the next cycle would have been the one to produce a healthy pregnancy from my egg.

Now that I'm firmly ensconced in the joy of this pregnancy, I'm finding myself thinking about this more and more. And, again, while I still struggle with it and will, most likely, never know the reason why things happened this way, I try to take comfort in my belief that this is the way it's supposed to be. I have to believe there is a greater reason that G-d wanted a child brought to this world made from DNA supplied by Glenn and our donor, but, raised with the values and traditions that I hold so dear.

For those who don't believe that things happen for a reason, I respect your opinion, but, I don't hold the same. I HAVE to believe that there's a reason for this and that it's not just random. Maybe it helps assuage the guilt I feel at not continuing my family's genetic lines. Maybe it helps make sense of something that seems so senseless. Maybe it's simply what I was brought up to believe and I hold true to it, albeit blindly. I'm not sure, but, regardless, I will hold on to the elusive concept of a "reason", even if I'm never privy to what that reason is.


nishkanu said...

I am so there with you, hon. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed with THIS baby and I would never trade this baby for another one, even though I haven't actually gotten to meet it in person yet. But it is hard not to wonder what it would be like to have had one with my own eggs, or to be more precise, to have one which was the hubby plus me (that for me is the heartbreak, not the not carrying on my own line). I do feel some envy for women who could have a baby without having to go the DE route, although this does not change the fact that I will be very, very happy with my little one.

Many years ago while we were TTC I had a dream that I had a baby, the dream was so ultra real and I was so totally in love with it that when I woke up I was completely heartbroken. The thing is that the baby in my dream looked... just like my donor. Of course this is not total accident, when I saw the picture of my donor I immediately thought to myself "That is how I can get my 'lost' baby!" Even though I knew it was totally irrational. But it would really be cool if the baby comes out looking like the one in that dream... for the reasons you mention. Even if it is irrational.

Michele said...

I guess because I'm adopted, genetics has never played that role in my life. I am the result of the nurturing I received as a child, not of my genetic make up. The only reason we went the RE route to conceive was because our insurance covered it 100% and we dont have the money for adoption (yet). Given, I am passing on our genetics to our baby, but the family they have is completely unrelated to them.

Sending you hugs in this struggle.

Anonymous said...

I'm pregnant through IVF with my own eggs, but I guess I'm different in that I just always wanted to be pregnant and didn't think of passing on my genetics...We actually considered adoption and not doing IVF. I think you have made the best decision for you with 7 IVF attempts, and adoption not being something you wanted to pursue. Having a baby is ultimately about having someone to raise and love, adn you will have that, and believe me, you will not foget, but you will forget in a way that this baby isn't biologically yours as my cousin is adopted from a foreign country and I don't even see that she's not wwhite - I see her as my favorite cousin, and all you are going to see is a baby that is yours and will act just like you - she will not have your blood maybe, but she will have your traits as you are her mom, and you are raising her / or him!

~Jess said...

I agree: The hardest thing, and I don't think it will ever go away in for me, is never having a child that is biologically both my husbands and mine. Like you, I have to believe there is a purpose behind this.

I don't take this child/pregnancy for granted, but that pain is still there. *hugs*

Beautiful Mess said...

Although I've never been in your situation, I do believe there is a reason. That reason may come to you when your hold your baby for the first time or later when you don't except it, per se. I don't blame you at all for feeling some guilt and struggling with it, it's a big "thing". No way does it mean you don't love this baby and aren't happy to be pregnant, it's just the "what ifs". I hope I'm saying this right and I'm not offending you at all. I believe you are a wonderful mother and nothing can take that from you!

stillhopeful said...

Completely un-related to your post... but on my blog you commented about using your doppler. I'm really interested to hear all about that. I was all set to get one, and my DH begged me not to. He is afraid that I will freak every time I can't find the heartbeat (he may have a point there, I have to give him that one!). I talked to my OB about it and she said she gets so many anxiety-ridden women coming in panicked because they couldn't find it. So she also advised against it. But I still want one!!! Have you really loved it, or do you sometimes not find the hb and get nervous?

Bee Cee said...

You summed up my thoughts so well. Your words really struck home to me, and are well timimg considering my last post! Thanks and for what it is worth, I think everything happens for a reason too.

theworms said...

I don't think pain will ever leave, I so want to be able to have a child that is my dh's. The pain doesn't change how much we will love any child that we are blessed to raise.