Thank you for all the comments on my last post. It is so helpful to know that I'm not the only one who experiences envy on a semi-regular basis.
But, I cannot believe I forgot the biggest one.....the one that causes me to have such pangs of envy that it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.
I am so very envious of every mother who has a child from her own egg. And, like others commented on my previous post, I don't think these feelings of envy will ever go away.
It's difficult to talk about this because I never, ever want anyone to think that I consider this pregnancy as anything less than the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life. But, I will admit, it doesn't remove the grief of not continuing my family's genetics. It lessens it, but, doesn't eliminate it. In fact, while most of my heart and mind and soul know that we made the decision to move on to donor eggs at the right time, after 7 IVF attempts, there's a part of me that still wonders and, I suspect, will always wonder if we should have continued trying....if maybe, just maybe, the next cycle would have been the one to produce a healthy pregnancy from my egg.
Now that I'm firmly ensconced in the joy of this pregnancy, I'm finding myself thinking about this more and more. And, again, while I still struggle with it and will, most likely, never know the reason why things happened this way, I try to take comfort in my belief that this is the way it's supposed to be. I have to believe there is a greater reason that G-d wanted a child brought to this world made from DNA supplied by Glenn and our donor, but, raised with the values and traditions that I hold so dear.
For those who don't believe that things happen for a reason, I respect your opinion, but, I don't hold the same. I HAVE to believe that there's a reason for this and that it's not just random. Maybe it helps assuage the guilt I feel at not continuing my family's genetic lines. Maybe it helps make sense of something that seems so senseless. Maybe it's simply what I was brought up to believe and I hold true to it, albeit blindly. I'm not sure, but, regardless, I will hold on to the elusive concept of a "reason", even if I'm never privy to what that reason is.