Wow, I haven't written in a long time. I'm sorry!! Work was insane last week (in the office until 2:30 in the morning one night) and I've been feeling really tired.
Anyway....I seemed to have this misconception about pregnancy. I really thought that my eye color would change. I was hoping that my eyes would go back to the brownish-greenish-hazel color they used to be, but, to my surprise, they have remained a singular, bright shade of green - the green of envy.
Before going any further, let me throw out a couple of definitions. These may not be technically correct, but, they are my definitions. In my mind:
Envy = You have something that I'm glad you have, but, I wish I could have it also
Jealousy = You have something, but, I wish I had it INSTEAD of you
So, when I talk about envy, it's not in a mean light. It just means that I wish that I could join you.
OK, that said, I really thought that being pregnant would make me feel less envious, but, sadly, I think the feeling has actually increased. I don't know why, but, I suspect it's because what I've so longed to have for so long is now within my grasp, so, it's more real, if that makes any sense. So, two years ago, when people around me were having babies, I really wanted the same thing, but, failed cycle after failed cycle made it seem so far away.
Now, I find myself having these feelings even more than I did then. And, the scope of my desire has broadened. I find myself envious of:
Women further along in pregnancy than I am
Women who will have their big ultrasound at 17, 18, or 19 weeks, when I have to wait until 21 weeks
Moms with babies
Moms with toddlers
Moms getting their kids ready for camp
Moms planning birthday parties
Moms with twins (that's a post for another day)
Moms trying for their second
The one that continually surprises me is my reaction to seeing other pregnant women. I see their beautiful bellies or hear them talking about delivering this summer and it almost hurts inside. I think that what's happening is that it is sparking fears I have that, although I'm pregnant now, that I may not make it to where they are, and I think that makes me wish more that I was at that stage already.
Remember, if you are one of these people, please don't take this the wrong way because I am so happy for you!!! I just wish that I was where you are and hope that my eye color will fade as I get further along in this pregnancy.....