Monday, July 6, 2009

I still have green eyes

Wow, I haven't written in a long time. I'm sorry!! Work was insane last week (in the office until 2:30 in the morning one night) and I've been feeling really tired.

Anyway....I seemed to have this misconception about pregnancy. I really thought that my eye color would change. I was hoping that my eyes would go back to the brownish-greenish-hazel color they used to be, but, to my surprise, they have remained a singular, bright shade of green - the green of envy.

Before going any further, let me throw out a couple of definitions. These may not be technically correct, but, they are my definitions. In my mind:

Envy = You have something that I'm glad you have, but, I wish I could have it also
Jealousy = You have something, but, I wish I had it INSTEAD of you

So, when I talk about envy, it's not in a mean light. It just means that I wish that I could join you.

OK, that said, I really thought that being pregnant would make me feel less envious, but, sadly, I think the feeling has actually increased. I don't know why, but, I suspect it's because what I've so longed to have for so long is now within my grasp, so, it's more real, if that makes any sense. So, two years ago, when people around me were having babies, I really wanted the same thing, but, failed cycle after failed cycle made it seem so far away.

Now, I find myself having these feelings even more than I did then. And, the scope of my desire has broadened. I find myself envious of:

Women further along in pregnancy than I am
Women who will have their big ultrasound at 17, 18, or 19 weeks, when I have to wait until 21 weeks
Moms with babies
Moms with toddlers
Moms getting their kids ready for camp
Moms planning birthday parties
Moms with twins (that's a post for another day)
Moms trying for their second

The one that continually surprises me is my reaction to seeing other pregnant women. I see their beautiful bellies or hear them talking about delivering this summer and it almost hurts inside. I think that what's happening is that it is sparking fears I have that, although I'm pregnant now, that I may not make it to where they are, and I think that makes me wish more that I was at that stage already.

Remember, if you are one of these people, please don't take this the wrong way because I am so happy for you!!! I just wish that I was where you are and hope that my eye color will fade as I get further along in this pregnancy.....


IVF 40+ said...

It seems an odd thing to say but I feel the same. Maybe its a natural state. I mean, we try for so long and go through so much, once we are pregnant we move on to the next set of fears and comparisons.
Sounds like you are working really hard - hope things ease up a bit.
Great to read your blog again, really enjoy it.

Michele said...

i know many of those feelings. i, too, hope they fade. i really do. sending hugs and hoping you become a woman (and maybe already are) that people are envious of because everything goes so well!

stillhopeful said...

I know exactly what you mean. I am so terrified of not ending up with a healthy baby, that I just think how great it would be to be at the next "stage", and another set of milestones behind me. I'm trying hard to enjoy each step of my own journey, but I can't help envying others that are further along. I'm even a little envious of you!!! :)

~Jess said...

I have the same envy-issues: One of my friends from high school called me the other night and told me she's 13 weeks pregnant. That they figured it would take a couple of months, but it happened the first month...she was actually kind of complaining about it.

I envy people who get pregnant easily, I envy people who get to have a biological child with their spouse, I envy people who have never experienced the pain that any of us going through IF have.


Beautiful Mess said...

I know exactly what you mean! One of my friends was pregnant and I was so envious of her the whole time! I was so jealous that she got pregnant so easily, had an uneventful pregnancy and never once thought about not setting up the crib before the stick dried. It made me so jealous that she had that and I didn't have it. If it makes you feel better, the feeling did subside for me. Maybe it'll subside for you too.

mrsgingergrl said...

Lisa, I understand this so well. I don't know if people who just get PG and have healthy babies ever feel this way but mine hasn't stopped. I'm not even sure it's envy for me, it's just this longing, so strong sometimes it literally hurts. Longing to be pregnant again, for more babies, for another chance, for my own pregnancy back again, for my chance to be a triplet mom and of course for my Jack. I hate to say I'm not sure it ever goes away.

Bee Cee said...

I am sure the anxiety doesn't actually disappear until the baby arrives. Just try to enjoy the moments you have now, I bet easier said than done.