The easy answer? I really don't know. I just haven't been doing it.
The more complicated answer? In a way, I kind of feel like I don't belong anywhere.
Glenn keeps reminding me that it's been a long time since I've written anything, which prompted me to really think about what's going on and why I haven't. And, I realized that I guess I just don't know what to talk about.
Let me explain. While I started this blog to be more than a chronicle of my infertility struggle, that's what it predominately became. And, that's OK. That was, for a long time, the main thing in my life that I found relief in writing about.
Then, after 8 IVF attempts, we finally found ourselves pregnant. And, I made a big deal of saying that, since that was what was going on in my life, I was going to continue writing, and, likely, about my pregnancy, especially my feelings about a donor egg pregnancy.
So, what happened? I guess I feel like I'm stuck between these two worlds - the world of infertility and the world of pregnancy. Infertility is and always will be a part of my life, but, I worry that, writing about my continued struggles with it will appear, I don't know, fake to those still in the trenches.
And, then there's being pregnant. So, here goes. I'll just say it. I LOVE being pregnant - likely because I've been BLESSED with a really easy pregnancy. I mean, really, really easy. No morning sickness. No bleeding. No weight gain. No swelling. No gestational diabetes. No scares. None.
So, I worry that the women still struggling with infertility won't want to hear about my continued struggles while I'm carrying a baby, something they long for. And I worry that the pregnant women, especially those who have struggled through their pregnancies, won't want to hear about my easy pregnancy (I mean, really, can you blame them??).
So, there it is. And, I hope that, by looking inside myself, analyzing my feelings, and putting them out there, I can now get past them and get back to blogging because, really, now that I'm writing this tonight, I realize how much I miss it!!
Now, I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on!
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15 comments:
Lisa, I know exactly what you are talking about! Pretty soon you are going to change the title of your Blog :) but will not forget what you've had to endure to get here. Lots of hugs and good luck to you. I know I've said it a million times, but I can't wait to see you holding your little girl. You are going to be the BEST MOTHER!
Hey, don't forget about the part of your audience who is "people who follow your story with interest, no matter what it is you are doing." Thank for the life signs, glad to hear things are going well for you.
Enjoy your pregnancy and this blessing, write what you want to write and don't worry about other, if they don't want to read about it they won't. All who have followed you want to hear all about this wonderful time in your life! and we expect to see baby pictures :)
As a secondary IFfer (after primary IF), I know exactly what you mean about not fitting in. I struggled to conceive my son, and then found myself - for the years of pregnancy, parenting a newborn, parenting a toddler, and now secondary IF - of not being able to *let go*. I wish I could have but it just wasn't a possibility for me, unfortunately.
I hope you find your voice again, because you're a beautiful writer.
I love hearing about fellow infertiles getting pregnant and enjoying their pregnancy. What an amazing blessing for you. Enjoy the pregnancy, I love following your story, pregnancy and all:)
I understand what you're saying, and i've found myself a few times having to sort of 'reinvent' exactly what i'm writing about... but the bottom line is to just write FOR you. Write what you care about in your life on this day, write for you and write for your daughter, write with honesty (which you always do) and share your feelings, whether joy or sorrow, and don't worry about hurting anyone. Trust me, you won't. :)
Could have written this exact post. I do miss your blogging, but I am not one to talk...
I am thrilled that we have both had an easy pregnancy!
I'm glad to see you blogging again! (I was wondering if all was OK...) I know what you mean about not feeling like you fit in. I have a lot of those same feelings, but decided I just wanted to use the blog to chronicle all the great things I'm feeling at this time in my life, even if it loses me some followers. And as a fellow IFer who's now pg, I love hearing about other's experiences and successes, too!
Thanks for the compliment on my blog. My close friend is also pg and waiting until after the birth to decorate - I give you guys credit for following the tradition, it would make me crazy to wait!
*hugs*
I'm right there with you: While we've overcome infertility and had easy pregnancies, for us infertility will never go away because of our using donor gametes to create our families. I'm struggling with the same thing on my blog.
That definitely makes sense to me. I am so glad that you are having a smooth pregnancy. Enjoy it.
I love reading about your successes. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. no one deserves it like you do.
So yeah, even though I am done with ART, and there will be no babies here, I am so pleased that some of my sisters get the prize in the end.
I shall continue to cheer you on.
xoxox
Oh my. I so hear you on the how-to-blog-pregnant thing. Especially after trying for so long and going through so much (I don't know many of us that are in the 5+ IVF-cycle club).
But I am so NOT loving being pregnant!!! I hate to be a whiner and I try to keep it out of my blog. But god, it's really taking it out of me.
Glad you're healthy, and very glad you're happy. You'll find your voice again soon.
I'm going to second Nishkanu. I read you not because you're infertile or you're pregnant, I read you because you're...you.
First of all - NO weight gain?!
I've done IVF, and know somewhat how you are feeling, saying somewhat since I did not do donor eggs. But all the same, you DESERVE to be happy and blog whatever you want, if people don't like it, they won't read. You are blessed, and that baby will be SO blessed because of your struggles. You wanted this forever and are getting your dream, and appreciate that, and that child will be extra blessed because of that - you will always appreciate your children. So write!! And yes, the baggage of infertilty NEVER goes away, it lessens over time, but still when I'm in Target with my baby, and I see a high school girl prego, I get mad/sad and wonder why God made me go through this emotional rollercoaster (plus shell out 20k, haha)...never goes away, jsut gets easier. ENJOY, your prego days will end soon and you will miss them, I do!!
Infertility isnt a diagnosis we leave behind when we become pregnant. We simply become pregnant infertiles. I know that that has defined my pregnancies and motherhood in a special way. It always will.
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