Let me first apologize to anyone coming in here to maybe read something new and interesting. This post won't qualify.
I WANT TO BE PREGNANT!!!
I want to know there's life growing in me and feel every movement. I want the joy of being able to tell everyone. I want to wear maternity clothes. I want to go for ultrasounds and see our baby. I want, I want, I want.....
I know, you're thinking "no kidding, Lisa. We know all of that already...". But, here I am, busy getting ready for Passover - cleaning, getting out all the Passover dishes and pots and stuff, shopping for all that wonderful Passover food, and cooking, cooking, cooking - and I'm overwhelmed by this terribly sad and utterly desolate feeling in the pit of my stomach (or, more likely, my empty uterus). It came on really fast, and, I feel like I want to burst with sadness and anger (PMS isn't helping - in fact, it makes things worse on so many levels).
I wrote a while back about a sisterhood in which all of us dealing with infertility are members. That sisterhood is forever, but, there's this other sorority out there that I long to join - the pregnant sorority (Beta Alpha Beta Iota?), followed by the sorority of mommyhood (Mu Omicron Mu?). I feel like I keep pledging over and over again, and, for whatever reason, I've been blackballed and not allowed to join.
Maybe I'm feeling it because of the holiday. More than any other Jewish holiday, to me, Passover is about celebrating with family and I haven't been able to add to ours. For those who don't know, there's a part of the Passover Seder where the youngest in attendance reads 4 questions that kick off the telling of the story of Passover. The youngest person at our Seder is 29. We need a baby.
Or, maybe it's because that dreaded April 22nd is on the other side of this weekend....