Wednesday, February 11, 2009

COCA #1

In response to my Come One, Come All offer, I received the following email. The author asked not to be identified. I hope seeing her note posted will help!

"I found your blog from reading my daughter's blog. Like you, she's struggling with infertility. She's had 6 inseminations and is now trying IVF for the second time. The first time didn't work.

Her struggle breaks my heart. Her two sisters both have children and this has been very hard for her. She feels, in her words "broken" and nothing I say seems to help. I understand from reading different blogs (I really try to understand) that there may be nothing I can say to help, but, I'm a mom and it's hard to watch your child go through such a struggle.

I've tried to tell her that it pains me to see her in such pain, but, she gets defensive and spits back that this is her pain, not mine and that I can't understand because I got pregnant easily. She's right, I don't understand it completely, but I still hurt tremendously for her. My hope is that she reads this through eyes other than a daughter and can understand that her mother isn't trying to take away from her pain, but that I hurt along with her and for her. As long as she feels this pain I will feel it with her."

6 comments:

~Jess said...

I think this is a great idea!


In response to the post: My mom is going through what you are. While she doesn't understand our pain, I know it hurts her that we have to go through this, that there is nothing she can do to take away our pain.

I too get a bit angry with my mom when she says that it hurts her. It's my hurt. While I can understand her hurt, I also know that her hurt is for what I'm going through. It's hard, because I do understand what she's saying, but it doesn't help me feel any better.

It's a whole huge cluster of emotions.

Beautiful Mess said...

Aww I got all teary when I read this. I hope the pain can be lessened with the love her mother has. I know she can't take away her pain, but I hope it can be lessened.

Bluebird said...

Oh wow. First of all, how very cool of you to offer your blog like this. I'm glad people are taking you up on it.

Second, what a great post. It has reminded me to step outside of myself and look at others. I definitely didn't do that while going through infertility. I'm trying to do that now since the loss of our babies - to remind myself that my family misses them too. Thank you so much for sharing.

Rachel said...

I want to respond to the mom who wrote this (btw great idea!)

As someone who went through IF and IVF to conceive, while watching both my sister and SIL continue to be very fertile, I felt like I was dying inside and NO ONE could understand unless they'd been infertile themselves.

My mother and I had VERY similar conversations to this post many many times.

Now that I'm a mother (to a 3 month old beautiful boy!) I understand what my mom was saying. I wish I could have seen it then. I wish I could have believed her that my pain was truly just as painful for her because after all, she is my mother.

I know that now. I just wish I knew then.

I'm sorry. I think one day your daughter will understand.

Bee Cee said...

Response to Mom:

What a lovely post. It warms my heart that you took the time to explain how your daughters situation affects you and your desire to support her.

She is right, it is her pain, becuase your pain would go away if hers did, but you love your daughter and of course you hurt if she hurts.

The only thing I would offer as any advice (and please dismiss if you don't feel it's relevant) is learn learn learn about the problems/procedures/technicalities/terms about IVF. If someone takes the time to learn as much as possible, that's the best support you can give.

Often people clam up with family and friends cause it takes so much emotional energy to keep explaining things and answering what can be seen as dumb questions. I think it's a huge way to show you care.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post. Such a loving, caring, supportive mother. Too bad she's not the norm.