Hi, mommy!

The baby waved at me today!

I've been having a bit of a tough week. In the last 5 or so days, I lost every single symptom I had. Seriously, I couldn't feel less pregnant. No nausea. Food aversions - gone. Cramping - gone. Excessive peeing - gone. Excessive tiredness - somewhat gone. Bloating - gone. I'm eating fine, and, I've somehow lost 7 pounds.

Now, before anyone rolls their eyes and guffaws (yes, I said guffaws) because they are suffering through terrible symptoms, imagine how nervous it would make you if they all suddenly went away. There should be some happy middle ground - enough symptoms that we know something good is happening in there, but, not enough to feel really lousy.

Anyway, I was very nervous going into my first OB appointment today. But, they took me right into the ultrasound room, and there was the beautiful heart beating. And then, suddenly, the baby began squirming around and waving! I couldn't stop giggling! Even the doctor was giggling! I know that each appointment will bring something new and wonderful, and today didn't disappoint at all!

The doctor said everything looks wonderful and that I've passed a big milestone as, in his words, most miscarriages occur before 10 weeks. They are , for various reasons, considering me high risk (which is what I wanted!), so, I'll get a higher level of care and more ultrasounds!

So, I see him again in a week and the high risk team in two weeks for my first trimester screening. I think this is all finally starting to feel real!

Graduation Day

I was officially released by my RE yesterday and have my first OB appointment next Tuesday. I cannot believe this day has finally come!

I remember the first time I heard someone say that they had "graduated" from their RE. I thought it was a cute way of phrasing it, but, I never thought much about it. Until yesterday. I posted on a message board that I had graduated and someone joked that she didn't remember that I had been in school, and, it got me thinking.

Our journey to have a baby has been almost 4 years long. Yes, we started with the RE 3 years ago (May 5, 2006, my 37th birthday, to be exact), but, really, we started trying to have a baby as soon as we got married, which will be 4 years next month.

Coincidentally, this is the same amount of time it takes most people to earn a college degree. We go off to college innocent and young and come out more mature and with a few more years on us and a few more battle scars, but ready to face the world. Many of us enter sure of what the outcome will be and find that we change paths while there, sometimes multiple times. What we are doing during those years becomes our whole world, even though we know that it will end at some point. Many of us struggle to pay the bills, but find a way because we know this is something we have to do for our future. We experiment, sometimes pushing the boundaries of what we ever thought we were capable of doing. We meet people along the way who help us learn and grow and listen when we need to cry or vent or share our joy, and these people go on to become lifelong friends. Most importantly, we learn more about ourselves during these years than we have at any time previously in our lives. We never forget those years, but we take what we learn and move into the world, ready to embrace the next steps.

Reread that paragraph and think of it in terms of my (or your) journey through the world of infertility. All of those statements still apply, so, yes, I think graduation perfectly explains where I am right now!

One of my first posts after starting this blog compared cycling to going to school and, you know what, I really do feel like I've gone through an extensive education process about myself and the science that got me to where I am today.

I will proudly and honorably accept this degree, with which I hope to plaster my walls in the form of pictures of our baby!

Helping Make Sense

Everything was great at my ultrasound yesterday! We immediately saw that little heart beating (clocked at 176bpm) and our little baby measured at 8w6d, so, I'm officially 9 weeks today! About my lack of symptoms, the doctor simply said, "Enjoy", which I will start doing. She said that everything is wonderful and, in fact, she could see the baby moving, although, I'll admit, I didn't. I've been taken off the estradiol and the PIO (no more shots - oh, my tush is so grateful!) and begin the prometrium vaginal suppositories 4x a day (on second thought, I'd rather stay on the shots). One more blood level check on Thursday and I'll officially be released!

But, don't worry, I don't have to wait long.......OB appointment is next Tuesday!

So, it's probably about that time to ask the big question - what should become of this blog? In the year and a half or so that I've been reading blogs, I have seen so many infertile women become pregnant and then question what they should do with their blogs? Should they become pregnancy blogs, as that is what is currently going on in their lives? Should they leave their infertility blogs intact, writing when they feel like it, and start a new pregnancy blog?

Here's the thing. I'm not struggling with this question. Yes, I am pregnant, but, I, in no way, feel like I am out of the trenches of infertility. I once watched a program about war refugees and, 40 years after the war ended, they still said that they felt like war refugees. I think that's how I feel. Infertility will always be a part of my life. I think this is even more the case since my child will be the product of donor egg. It isn't as though I went through a standard ART procedure to conceive, but, once conception occurred, the pregnancy was like any other. Donor egg, or more specifically, the child created from that donor egg, will always be a part of my life and often be something I'll have to be aware of. And, I'm absolutely fine with this, but, do recognize that it will always be there.

My point is that I don't really feel like my blog is shifting from one that focused on infertility to one that relishes in the joy of pregnancy. It simply has a new area on which I will likely be writing - a new topic to add to the list of those I expect to continue writing about - infertility included.

I guess I have to go back to why I originally started this blog and why I called it "Helping Make Sense" (and, yes, I have struggled with the grammar of that title...). I wanted someplace to write, someplace to explore what I was going through, in the hopes that through personal expression and insightful and supportive comments (if anyone decided to read and comment - no blogger knows when they first start out if that will happen) I would be able to work through challenges and enjoy successes.

I've gotten that, and so much more, and hope you'll all stick around!!

You gotta believe

For the most part, I've stopped feeling anything tangible. I do still have sore boobs (although I think they are not as sore as they were a week ago), but, I'm not feeling any kind of cramping anymore and I've even stopped feeling exhausted in the afternoon. I really really really do know that it's totally normal not to feel anything, but, little symptoms certainly make it easier to believe that things are continuing as you so very much hope and pray they are.

So, for now, I keep praying and trying to keep the faith that I still have a healthy, growing baby and I'll keep repeating the mantra of my beloved New York Mets:

You gotta believe
You gotta believe
You gotta believe

(but I'm glad I get to go for another ultrasound on Monday!)

40, pregnant, and living in my parents basement

I am pleased to say that this is not the case for me!

As you may remember, we sold our old house, but, had a 6 week lag before closing on our new house, during which we were staying with my parents, living in the basement. And, as you also know, I finally got pregnant during that time period.

Well, I am pleased to report the following:

• We closed on our new house on Friday and moved in yesterday (Monday)!
• I am still pregnant!!
• Today, May 5, Cinco de Mayo, I turned 40.

Let's explore each separately.

As you may remember, it took us 16 months to sell our old house, but, the whole long, crazy, loop has now closed and we are living in our new house! I had Verizon here for 10 hours today, but, they finally got our Fios hooked up and I am now back online (and have a lot of blogs to catch up with!)! So, I missed the 40, pregnant, and living with my parents by just a couple of days, but, I missed it!

I am still beautifully pregnant! Yesterday's ultrasound found a 7w5d old baby with a strong heartbeat of 161bpm. In fact, the doctor in the AM released me. I graduated!! OK, I got a call from my nurse in the afternoon rescinding that (what, was I a few credits short? I've been attending early morning sessions for a long time!), not because there was anything wrong, but, because my doctor wants to be a bit more cautious with me and is bringing me back one more week before releasing me, which I'm more than OK with.

And, yes, today is my 40th birthday. I typically don't have a problem with ages, but, I've been struggling with this one for a while. The thought of turning 40 and still not being pregnant after all we've been through...well....I don't think I have to expand on that. In fact, our first RE appointment was on May 5, 2006, my 37th birthday, so, each birthday since has been a reminder of how long we'd been actively cycling and a fear that it would never end. But, obviously, those fears have been assuaged, at least for the time being, and I was truly able to enjoy entering this next decade in my life.

They say the 40's are the new 30's, right?!